


so that he may sleep without his fists clenched

by irridesca



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Ben does not die, Child Abandonment, Childhood Sweethearts, Childhood Trauma, Deployment, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Growing Up Together, HEA, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Loss of Virginity, Married Couple, Military Ben, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Kink, Protective Ben Solo, Reylo babies, Teen Drinking Is Very Bad, Underage Drinking, Wedding Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 63,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23258542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irridesca/pseuds/irridesca
Summary: “Please don’t cry, Rey,” he pleads, voice laced with sorrow. “I won’t be able to walk away from you right now if you keep this up, and you know Dameron will kill me if I miss that plane.”She lets out a watery chuckle against his collarbone, squeezing him even tighter as she glances up at him.“He’d have to go through me first. And he would lose. Miserably.”Ben and Rey have been married for just over two years when Ben gets deployed overseas.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 525
Kudos: 1391





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **PLEASE READ** :
> 
> When I posted this story last week, I was so excited about the idea that I kind of jumped the gun and didn't fully flesh out where I wanted this to go. After re-reading it a few times, I decided that I could do better and be more thoughtful with my approach, so I rewrote it.
> 
> If you are here for the first time, great! Read on as planned, but if you are here for the second time and previously read this chapter, I would love if you read this version before moving on to Chapter 2. The story's bones are the same, but everything will flow much better that way.
> 
> \---
> 
> As for the actual story note:
> 
> The military organization and the entire universe presented in this story are a mix of life in the U.S. and the world of Star Wars. The cities are named after planets, etc. I didn't want to get too into the war in the middle east while writing this, so I made up my own war. Please forgive me for the liberties I'll take there, but I think it works well for this story! 
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com)!

I am not asking for him to be spotless.  
I am not asking for him to be free,  
I know that his hands are tied to his weapons now.  
  
I know that his feet will always drag  
Under the weight of a world he only thought to save.  
I am not asking for a miracle.  
I am not asking for the sun and stars to move for him.   
  
I am not even asking for happiness  
(even though he damn well deserves it).   
  
All I am asking for is a little peace,  
 _so that he may sleep without his fists clenched._ ****

— prayer from a soldier’s lover, j.p.

**06/12/2018**

**06:13:52**

Ben’s flight to Jakku is in three hours. He’s set to land at Niima Outpost the next day around 4 p.m. Chandrila time and his large, military-issued duffel bag is packed and ready by the front door. They set an early alarm the night before because Ben is adamant about doing last-minute “checks” around the house before he goes, as if Rey isn’t objectively the handier of the two of them.

She wakes up seventeen minutes before the alarm. The sun has yet to rise, so she stares into the dark void of the bedroom and goes to reach for Ben, but finds that he’s already basically on top of her. His head is on her chest and the rest of his enormous body is curled around her in a vice-like grip. It’s not necessarily the most comfortable position and Rey kind of needs to pee, but she won’t move him. Not for the world. 

Instead, she cards her fingers through his hair slowly, unknotting the tangles that formed as he slept. Ben sighs as her nails gently scrape his scalp and he squeezes her even tighter, somehow. 

Rey knows he’s awake when he presses a barely-there kiss to her neck.

“Good morning,” she mumbles, voice wrecked from sleep. 

Her eyes have adjusted enough that she can see when he picks his head up and blinks at her blearily. He rests his chin on her chest, the hand that’s slung over her waist starting to trace absent patterns onto her bare skin. 

They’re both naked. It isn’t Rey’s preferred sleeping attire, but they exhausted themselves so thoroughly the night before that neither of them managed to put on sleep clothes. 

“Hi,” he says, eyes struggling to stay open as Rey continues to brush her fingers through his hair. 

They stare at each other for a few long moments, studying each other. They’ve been doing it a lot, especially as they’ve gotten closer to his ship-out date, but this time feels more charged. More finite and raw.

She’s been doing a bang-up job of saving face (for the most part) leading up to this dreaded Tuesday. There was that one time that Ben walked in on her sobbing into a sink full of dirty dishes, a plate shattered on the floor beside her and a rubber glove over her mouth to muffle the cries. He pulled her to his chest immediately, wrapping himself so tightly around her that she could barely breathe, let alone cry. She could only gasp, breathing him in and letting the smell of his aftershave flood through her entire body until she calmed down. 

After that, she did her best to keep a lid on it. There were six months ahead without him that she could spend crying, loudly, whenever and wherever she wanted. While he was still home, she was going to be strong and brave and make sure his last days weren’t filled with broken glass and tears. 

But now, as they look at each other with their entire lives up to this very moment hanging between them, Rey can feel a treacherous wetness glazing over her eyes and a lump settling heavily in her throat. It’s all too much; there’s too much reverence in his eyes, too much love and adoration. 

But Ben doesn’t let her dwell on it for long. Before she can let even one tear fall, he’s surging up to kiss her, her bare breasts rubbing against his chest and causing them both to moan. The electric buzz of the morning hums between them as their bodies touch after eight hours of restful sleep. Ben licks the seam of Rey’s lips, sighing when she grants him access and her tongue collides with his. 

They’re panting when they break apart and Ben’s forehead is resting on Rey’s. The sky outside their window is slowly turning from blue-black to a muted grey as the sun nears the horizon. She can see him even better now.

Ben is beautiful. He’s beautiful even when he’s not supposed to be, like when he’s ripe as hell after a long day spent under the hood of his truck, or when he’s angry enough to slam his fist into a wall and make his knuckles bleed. He’s beautiful even on the rare occasion that they fight and he snaps at her or takes off for a drive to cool off, leaving her simmering in anger and despair. Even in those moments, he is, because he’s never anything but truly himself. It’s a quality Rey has always admired in him, one she’s tried to adopt herself with much less success. 

Because Rey’s just Rey, from a nowhere town in Chandrila and no family to boot. 

  
But Ben makes her feel like she’s somebody. Ben makes her feel like she’s _everything_.

Rey pushes back the hair that’s fallen into his face, not wanting anything to obscure it as he stares at her. He kisses her again, but slower this time, moving his hands to either side of her face as he settles himself between her legs. When her hips buck reflexively into his, Ben loses her lips and lets out a broken gasp. 

He’s already hard, growing harder by the second, and Rey’s practically sopping. When he rubs the tip of his cock against her folds, her eyes roll back. Her heart is thumping in anticipation, and she tries desperately to push the words that are blaring like a foghorn out of her mind. 

_This is the last time_. 

The words grow louder still, hammering home the fact that they won’t get to be this close again for a long, long time, and Ben must see the panic starting to settle on her face.

“Look at me.” 

His voice is low and rough. Rey’s eyes immediately find his. 

The soft, muted morning light is streaking their bedroom as he slides in easily, all the way to the hilt. Rey sucks in a harsh gasp, immediately overwhelmed at the fullness. They’ve made love more times than she can count, but the feeling of him inside her is never commonplace. It always stokes a bright, raging flame within her, and she falls more in love with him each time.

This time is different in the most heartbreaking of ways. As much as she wants to deny what’s happening, to pretend that this is just another morning where he’ll fuck her and they’ll shower and he’ll drive to work after he kisses her goodbye in the kitchen, it’s not. 

Ben moves slowly. He pushes in and out of her gently, pressing his hips up against hers each time he’s all the way in, hitting that spot inside of her that only he knows how to reach. 

Her mind goes blank for a fleeting, blissful moment. When she closes her eyes at the sensation, she hears Ben’s voice again. 

“Look at me, Rey.” 

She opens her eyes and the look on his face nearly breaks her. His eyebrows are knit together and his lip is trembling slightly, and when she clenches around him as tight as she can, he lets out a wrecked, gasping sob. 

“Come with me, baby,” he breathes, and he’s crying now, tears falling from his eyes onto her cheeks. “I want—I _need_ to feel you. Please.” 

Rey nods, and Ben keeps them flush against each other but moves his hand down to massage her clit with his thumb. He moves the digit in slow, easy circles and she’s _right_ there, right at the edge, and then he’s wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her as tight into his chest as she’ll go. 

And then they’re both falling. There are tears and Rey’s nearly screaming as she explodes, Ben’s broken sounds of ecstasy echoing in her ear. For a moment, as they crest the wave together and find in each other a pleasure so raw and beautiful and terrifying, it feels like they’re not Ben and Rey, but two halves of something bigger, something more permanent and timeless. 

Ben picks up his head from where it was buried in her neck. One of his big hands moves to push a few sweaty locks of hair from Rey’s forehead. His cheeks are red and splotchy.

“I love you so much.” His voice is soft. Strained. 

Rey feels like she’s being swallowed whole in a sea of sheer panic. She grabs his face, cradling it in her palms.

“Don’t die, Ben. Please, don’t die.” 

His hand stays where it is and he caresses her skin with his thumb. The look on his face speaks more than words ever could, and she’s mastered the art of reading his expressions. _I’m scared_ , this one says, _I’m scared but I’m going to do everything I can to make it back to you._

But he doesn’t say that. 

He says, “I’ll try my best,” and gives her half of a crooked smile that is so devastatingly _Ben._

Rey wants to scream. 

  
  


**09:29:01**

It’s a thick, unforgiving summer in Chandrila. The temperatures reach new record highs every day and even though it's only half-past nine and they've got all the windows down in Ben’s ‘84 Chevy pickup, Rey’s still sweating through her tank-top.

They’d rebuilt the engine together a few years back with Han and Chewie and she runs like a dream—practically purring down the interstate—but the air conditioning has always been fickle. No matter how stubbornly Rey tried to fix it, it was as temperamental as it was old and crapped out on them just a couple of days before Ben’s scheduled to ship out. 

When they park at the airport, he takes a moment to duck under the hood to give it a once-over, as if by some miracle he’ll stumble upon the exact problem and save her the trouble of dealing with it on her own. 

“Don’t worry about it,” she yells from the bed of the truck, yanking out his duffel and slinging it over her shoulder. She hops down and walks over to him, setting the bag at his feet as she watches his brows knit in concentration. 

“Ben,” she says, voice full of mirth.

He looks up at her then and concedes silently, unclasping the stand to shut the hood. He bends down to pick up his bag, slinging it over his own shoulder before turning to stare back at the truck. 

“I don’t want you to sweat through your clothes on the way to work every morning,” he mutters, eyes still surveying the vehicle.

Rey huffs. “You do realize that _I_ am the car whisperer in this marriage, right?” 

At that, he turns to face her, a smile spreading slowly on his lips. 

“Right.” 

  
  


**09:34:17**

The airport isn’t overly crowded; the lines for security are moving quickly and Rey knows that men in uniform usually get through even quicker. Ben’s boarding information is all on his phone and he isn’t checking any bags, so they don’t have any reason to stop on their way to the terminal. And yet, Rey finds herself looking around, searching fruitlessly for any reason to delay the inevitable. She wants to veer violently off of this path they walk together which ends with her back home, alone, and him an entire world away. 

Ben’s staring at her curiously, but she manages to avoid eye contact with him for a moment, pleading desperately with any god listening to give her strength. 

She can do this. She _has_ to do this. 

For nearly her entire life, Ben has always been there to catch her when she falls. To pull her up when she feels like the ground is sinking and swallowing her whole. To bring her back to life when she was as good as dead. 

She can do this. For him. 

With a deep breath in through her nostrils, Rey finally turns to face him. Though every emotion she’s kept a lid on for weeks is now bellowing hurriedly to the surface, she maintains her cool, her shaky hands the only indication that she’s rattled beyond all comprehension. 

But Ben knows, because he always knows.

“Come here, baby,” he says, and his voice is soft, thick, and absolutely devastating. 

It only takes a couple of seconds for her to practically fall into his arms. He bends down, burying his face in her neck as his arms grip her middle tight enough to hurt, but she doesn’t give a damn. He could break her clean in half at that moment and she would thank him, kiss him, and beg him to stay all the same.

They stay like that for a long time, desperately breathing each other in. Ben smells like sweat and aftershave and their house. He smells like the sandalwood candle that sits on the side table by the couch and like the engine grease that stains nearly all of their clothing. He smells like their life together.

The tears take on a mind of their own then. She can’t hold them back even if she tries, especially when Ben picks up his face from her neck and she can feel the moisture he leaves behind. His lips land at her temple and his face feel hot against hers. 

“I don’t know when I’ll be able to call,” he whispers, moving his hands to cradle either side of her face. Once he secures them, his fingers threaded into her hair and thumbs grazing her cheekbones, he presses their foreheads together. Rey can see the rosy splotches that cover his cheeks. “But I will as soon as I can. I promise.” 

She nods emphatically. “I know. I know you will.” 

Rey’s face scrunches up and a sob cracks in her throat. Ben pulls her to his chest again, taking deep, heavy breaths as he smooths his palm over her hair. 

“Please don’t cry, Rey,” he pleads, voice laced with sorrow. “I won’t be able to walk away from you right now if you keep this up, and you know Dameron will kill me if I miss that plane.” 

She lets out a watery chuckle against his collarbone, squeezing him even tighter as she glances up at him.

“He’d have to go through me first. And he would lose. Miserably.” Rey jokes, somehow managing a smile even as a tight, clenching ache radiates under her skin. 

When Ben smiles back, he looks proud, and his eyes are shining with unshed tears. 

“It’s just a few months. We’ve been through worse.” 

Rey knows that much is true, but it isn’t the time apart that’s splitting her soul to the bone. They’d spent weeks, even months apart before when Ben was at the Academy and flight school, but it’s nothing like _this_.

Where he’s going, people don’t always come back. Jakku is a desolate, violent place that’s as unpredictable as it is barren, and their squadron was only placed there after a sortie to assist a ground unit went catastrophically wrong. Half of the Red Squadron never came home.

On top of that, he’s Flight Lead now; it’s up to him to make sure that the other pilots get home safe, including Poe, Paige, Hux, and Snap. They’re his family— _her_ family, too—and Rey knows as well as she knows the inside of an engine that, if it comes down to it, Ben will lay down his life for any one of them without hesitation. 

Her heart begins to hammer painfully against her chest, and she suddenly feels like she’s going to be sick. 

But because he’s Ben and she’s Rey, and they’ve been married for two years, dated for eight and have been best friends for over a decade, he knows immediately that she’s thinking in worst-case-scenario mode. 

“Hey. Hey, look at me.” 

She complies, though every inch of her wants to look away from him for fear of puking all over the airport floor. 

But when she finds his eyes, they’re soft. The green in his uniform is echoed in flecks that surround his irises, leaving his usual burnt-honey brown barely visible.

“I’m coming back, Rey,” he whispers. “I’m coming home to you.”

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **PLEASE READ - (03/27/20)** :
> 
> Hi! If you're tuning back into this story and have previously read Chapter 1, please do me a solid and re-read it if you have time. While the foundation of the story is the same, I did some major rewrites that will make this next chapter flow better than the original. Thank you in advance, and I'll try to not let that happen again.
> 
> \------
> 
> Actual story notes:
> 
> *We're just going to assume that in this fictional town in Chandrila, people are much more uncaring than they normally (hopefully?) would be when they see children starving on the street. 
> 
> *There was an homage to SOTJ in Chapter 1 - did you catch it? 
> 
> *Ben's sleeping position was inspired by [this](https://jjsnrk.tumblr.com/post/174334296849/goodnight) beautiful artwork. 
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com)!

**04/27/2002**

**14:02:21**

They find her huddled under a heavy plastic tarp during one of the most vicious thunderstorms Sah’ot has ever seen. She’s wearing little to protect her from the elements; a t-shirt that may have at one point been white is covered in mud and grime and holes, and she’s got a shoestring tied around her waist to keep her torn-up silver gym shorts from falling to her ankles.

“Honey, come on out of there. We’re here to help.” 

The voice comes from an older woman with fancy braids wrapped around her head. She pokes her head further into Rey’s makeshift shelter and looks around, though there is hardly anything to see. 

At twelve, she’s amassed a somewhat impressive collection of bottle caps and license plates, which she guards protectively when the woman does not leave. She stays quiet, huddled in the corner. She’s never really had to talk much, finding that it’s easy enough to get by with nods and shakes of her head, or puppy dog eyes when she sits outside the Starbucks on 48th, begging. 

_NO FOOD, HELP PLESE_ her sign says, and on some days, she’s rather successful. A couple of weeks back, she even collected enough to buy a double cheeseburger from the McDonald’s across the street, which nearly came right back up after she inhaled it, barely taking the time to remove the paper wrapper. 

So naturally, she doesn’t say anything when the woman asks for her name. It’s not any of this woman’s business what her name is, but she figures with clean hair like that and nails that aren’t covered in dirt, she must have money. Rey gestures toward the cardboard sign with her chin. 

The woman looks at it, and then back to Rey. 

“We’ll get you some food. I promise,” she says gently. “My name is Leia. My brother Luke and I run a group home in Hanna City where we help kids just like you.” 

Rey remains silent. Her wheels are turning quickly, panic starting to rise in her chest. She realizes too late that she’s left her baseball bat outside of the tent and she has no way to defend herself if this woman, Leia, starts to attack her. In her experience, you can’t take anyone saying they want to help at their word. It’ll get you robbed or hurt. Or worse. 

Leia must sense the worry. “We won’t hurt you, honey. We want to help. Aren’t you cold out here?” 

Her voice is so soft. It’s not like the others on this block who smoke and drink too much and shout until they’re horse. It’s soothing in a way that’s unfamiliar. It urges Rey to trust.

Instead of speaking, she just nods, because she _is_ cold. She’s been cold for weeks with only a ratty windbreaker to sleep under. Leia nods, too.

“Why don’t you come with us and we’ll stop and get you some hot cocoa on the way to Hanna City. Would you like that?” 

So far, Leia hasn’t done anything that the usual visitors do. Rey can’t even count how many times she’s had to defend her spot and her stash from the creatures that run the streets at night. Their voices are never gentle, and they don’t _ask_ when they want to take something. They just do, but Rey isn’t one to go down without a fight. She’s had enough split lips and black eyes to prove that to even the slimiest of passerbys. 

Rey’s cold enough that her teeth are chattering and the hunger in her belly has spread into a dull ache that she can feel in her head and under her skin. It’s been days since she’s eaten anything. So when Leia says, “We can get you a muffin or something, too. I can’t imagine how hungry you must be,” Rey agrees silently to go with her. 

  
  
  


**16:22:03**

The backseat of Leia’s car is warm and soft. Rey’s belly is full from the two muffins she inhaled and the hot chocolate that burnt her tongue. Her bottlecaps and license plates sit in a shoebox next to her, rattling around as the car speeds down the highway, the windshield getting pelted with heavy rain. 

Leia’s in the passenger seat, sitting next to a man named Chewie, who is extremely hairy and large and just kind of grunts instead of really speaking. Rey can relate. 

Leia picks up on it quickly and takes it upon herself to do most of the talking during the two-hour drive to Hanna City. She tells Rey about the group home, Skywalker House, which was founded by her mother, Padme, when Leia and Luke were small. They grew up in the house alongside many children that came to stay. Some stayed for the entirety of their childhoods, leaving only to go to college. Some stayed only a night. She referred to it as a safe haven, one of the only places in the state for kids just like Rey who needed a place to go. 

But if she’s being honest with herself, Rey didn’t think there _were_ any kids like her. She certainly doesn’t see them on the streets in Sah’ot, and it’s never been kids that mess with her or try to steal her things. It’s grown-ups; scary, violent grown-ups that don’t look at her as a child, but as an untapped resource or an easy target. 

When they pull into a driveway that seems to go on forever, Rey can’t keep her jaw from going slack.

Skywalker House is not a house. It’s a mansion. Its dark red brick complements the olive green roof that is pointy like a castle over certain parts of the house, and there are large, beautiful green trees that stand proudly around its perimeter. Rey can see a group of kids playing hopscotch on the massive balcony that hangs over the front door and looks out onto the driveway. It’s a magical looking place, something straight out of a storybook.

“We’re home,” Leia says as she turns to peek at Rey, who is still staring in awe. 

Rey holds her shoebox tight to her chest as she follows Leia inside. It’s somehow even bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, and she can hear the sound of laughter. Delight. No screaming or crying or bad words. 

They walk into a large room that’s littered with small beds, each one with its own unique, colorful headboard. There are pink and purple shades all over the place, and Rey’s eyes immediately go to a large, fuzzy pink chair that sits on the other side of the room, surrounded by blankets, pillows, and bookshelves. 

“This is the girl’s room,” Leia tells her, and then points to an unoccupied bed. “Once we get you settled, you can decorate it however you like. You’ll have to tell us your name eventually, though, so we can get you one of those.”

Leia tilts her chin in the direction of the bed next to Rey’s where a bright orange sign that says _KAYDEL_ is hanging proudly over the headboard. 

“We tried to ask some of the people at your camp, but they all said they didn’t know you.”

_Good_. She prefers being no one in the eyes of those monsters. 

But Leia wasn’t a monster. Or if she was, she was extremely good at hiding it, and this was a very thorough and elaborate attempt to swindle Rey out a few rusty license plates. 

For the second time that day, and the second time in her entire life, Rey decides to trust.

“I’m Rey.” 

  
  
  
  


**18:02:43**

Rey gets cleaned up; her hair is thoroughly scrubbed, so much so that her scalp is tingling, and the dried blood that was caked on her knee from where she fell a few days before now circles the drain. Leia helps her through the disorienting experience, keeping her distracted by humming softly or telling her stories. 

She’s given a clean, bright purple t-shirt and a pair of black leggings to change into. The clothes are new, soft. Rey’s skin feels itchy underneath them, but her nails are too dull to really scratch. 

By the time she’s washed up, dressed and settled in her new room, it’s nearly time for supper.

The house is buzzing. One by one, young girls mostly around Rey’s age start filtering into the room, smelling of outside. They’re all sweaty and out of breath but they look happy, exhausted from playing. 

She meets Kaydel, Rose, and Paige first. They’re all very nice, but Rey struggles with responding when they start to ask her questions. Eventually, Rose chimes in and offers her mercy. 

“It’s her first night, you guys. I’m sure it’s already overwhelming. She doesn’t need us asking her a million questions.” 

Rey offers a shy, grateful smile in Rose’s direction, which she returns. 

When they make it down to the kitchen, everything is ten times louder.  
  


It’s...a _lot_. 

The boys are not shy, nor do they even seem to notice that she’s there, which is nice. The last thing she wants is all the attention directed at her. As they fight in their grass-stained shirts over who gets to sit where at the large dining room table, the girls filter into the room in fits of giggles and whispers. Rey follows silently, hanging in the back with her arms folded over her chest. 

It’s odd to be surrounded by so many people her own age. Rey can’t remember the time in her life before she lived at the corner of 46th and Jackson. She can see flashes. Bits and pieces of a mother and father who didn’t hug her or play with her or take her to school in the morning. She knows that at some point, they shared the tent with her, the three of them crammed uncomfortably into the tiny space. It’s fuzzy, but she remembers. 

But mostly, it’s been just Rey. The people that she does see are not by choice, and they are hardly ever other children. Her life is littered with old, wrinkled faces caked in dirt and stale sweat. They hold out their hands when people walk down the street, begging or screaming or crying, or all three at once. 

So when she tunes into the dining room and hears laughter and joy instead of fear and agony, it’s enough to make her stomach turn. This place is so far— _too_ far—from home. She doesn’t understand it in the slightest. 

A hand finds her back as she stands idly near the table, and she turns to find Leia. 

“Rey, I wanted to introduce you to my son, Ben,” she says and gestures to her right at a boy that is at least a foot taller than both of them. He’s got long, black hair that nearly touches his shoulders and pale skin that’s dotted with freckles and moles. 

“Ben helps me out quite a bit around here. You’ll see a lot of him, especially once summer starts.” 

Ben seems to bristle at that but it’s slight, almost imperceptible. 

“Hi,” he says in a low, scratchy voice. 

Rey nods but stays quiet. 

Leia just smiles and turns back to Ben. “We’ve spent the whole day together and all I’ve gotten is her name. Don’t take it personally.” 

The words are amiable, but they still make Rey’s stomach sink. She wants to talk, she really does, but talking does nothing but get her in trouble. And if she gets in trouble, she’ll be back in the tent before the sun sets, and the smells coming from the kitchen are way too good to risk that. 

Ben sits next to her at the oversized table. Instead of chairs, they sit on a long bench, and no one touches the steaming spread of food that sits before them. Rey recognizes mashed potatoes and rolls, but everything else looks strange. Foreign. 

Once all the kids have taken a seat, a sandy-haired man carrying a gigantic platter of fried chicken bursts through the kitchen door. His grin is splitting his face as he places the plate in the center of the table. 

“I’ve truly outdone myself this time, team. This chicken...” he says, picking up a drumstick and taking a large bite, the crunch sounding loudly as giggles start to erupt from the table. “...is absolutely _perfect_.” 

“Luke.” 

Everyone’s heads turn to Leia, who sits at the head of the table, looking annoyed and only slightly amused. 

“You’re a bad influence, you know that right?” she chides, but her voice is full of mirth.

The man—Luke—just smiles. “No, dear sister, _you_ are just no fun.” 

Full-on laughter happens at that point. Beside her, she hears Ben’s soft chuckle. Leia smiles and rolls her eyes.

“Alright everyone, dig in.” 

Chaos breaks out then, but there seems to be a method to it. Everyone excitedly reaches for a platter, slaps piles of food on to their plate and then passes the dish dutifully to their right. 

Ben hands her the bowl of mashed potatoes. She stares at it for a minute, overwhelmed with all of the food that’s suddenly within her reach. 

“It’s okay. These have garlic in them, do you like garlic?” he asks when he sees her hesitate. 

Rey doesn’t know what garlic is, but she just nods because she doesn’t want to tell him that, and she can see Leia patiently holding a plate of green vegetables, waiting to pass them to Ben. 

Rey takes the potatoes and spoons a small pile onto her plate, and then passes them to Kaydel. 

She does the same with the vegetables, though they smell a bit rank. Then something reaches her that she’s sure she’s never seen before: a plate of long, thick, yellow stick-looking things that are steaming and don’t really smell like anything. Ben sees her staring at the plate like it’s sprouted a head and smiles. 

“It’s corn.” 

Is that supposed to mean something? 

Either way, she takes one using the metal tool that Ben had used to grab his and sets it on her plate, far away from her potatoes and chicken. 

When she takes her first bite of mashed potatoes, her senses feel overloaded. Tears are welling in her eyes as the heat of it nearly burns her entire mouth, but it tastes so heavenly that she immediately shovels in another spoonful. 

Everyone is chattering as they eat, talking about everything and nothing. Rey cleans her plate easily, save for the corn, and reaches for it, staring quizzically. Unsure of exactly how to go about eating it, she puts one end in her mouth and bites down, finding that there is very little give, and it also doesn’t taste very good. 

Ben knocks his knee against hers. She looks over to him and watches as he grabs two plastic objects that look like mini versions of the corn, but with sharp metal sticking out of one side. Ben jams the metal point into one side and repeats the process with the other. Then, he lifts it to his mouth, holding it by the plastic and bites into it. He looks over at her as he chews, lifting his eyebrows. 

“Try it this way.” 

So she does, and she finds that it actually _does_ taste good. It’s salty and buttery and juicy when she bites into it. She sees when Ben sets down his own after he’s bitten all the tiny bulbs off, so she does the same. 

His smile is soft and kind when he watches her deposit what’s left onto her plate. 

All in all, her belly is full and her plate is clean and she’s glad she hasn’t been kicked out of this place yet. The food is good. Leia pays attention to her, and Luke is funny. Ben is nice, too. 

  
  


**JUNE 2018**

**10:04:12**

The drive from the airport to their three-bedroom bungalow in the sticks is beautiful, with perfect views of the expansive city skyline and shimmering lakes. With the windows down to combat the heat, the smell of mesquite burning and wildflowers fills the truck’s cabin. The sun is bright and high in the sky, beating onto the road as Ben’s cornflower blue truck speeds down the highway. 

Rey doesn’t smell the mesquite or the flowers, and she can barely hear the hum of the engine as she sobs incoherently, red-faced and her shirt stained with tears.  
  


She just can’t stop picturing it; Ben on the other side of the security gate, turning back to look at her one last time. She waves, smiling at him with everything she’s got left and the corners of his lips lift slightly. He winks at her. 

And then he’s gone. 

Losing Ben isn’t something she lets herself think about. It’s not a road in her head that she can afford to take, because if she dwells on it too much, she knows the next six months, the next six _seconds_ , will be unbearable. 

But right now, she’s in his truck and she’s surrounded by so many pieces of him, like Han’s dice hanging from the rearview, and the wrinkled polaroid of the two of them on the 4th of July last summer that’s poking out from the driver’s side visor, and the toolbox rattling in the backseat. He’s everywhere, surrounding her, and she feels like she can’t breathe. She can’t truly fathom that she may have just looked at him for the last time. Her vision goes blurry and she pulls off to the side of the road, cutting the engine and tossing the keys haphazardly onto the seat. 

Rey folds her arms over the steering wheel and rests her forehead against them, doing her damnedest to take heavy, slow, soothing breaths. 

Flying is what Ben knows, what he loves. He’s worked so goddamn hard to get to where he is in the Corps and Rey knows that he’s the best at what he does. There is literally no one better, and she’ll tell Dameron that to his face the next time she sees him. The thought forces a raspy chuckle from her throat. She sniffles, wiping the blend of tears and snot off her face with her shirt, which is already wrecked to hell from sweat, anyway. 

Her phone buzzes from the glove compartment. It’s a text from Finn.

**_You ok, peanut?_ **

Rey blinks out a couple more tears as she responds. 

**_Not really_ **

A beat, and then: 

**_Rose and I were thinking of ordering a boatload of pizza and getting shitfaced on margaritas. Come over?_ **

She can’t help the tiny smile that forms. 

**_Ok, but I might cry. A lot. So don’t judge_ **

The little grey dots appear quickly. She's so lucky that Finn and Rose are not only around, but can understand what she's going through. They've known Ben even longer than she has. Not only that, but they've got people in the Blue Squadron, too. Poe and Finn have been married longer than she and Ben, and Rose is Paige's kid sister. They've been attached at the hip their entire lives.

Rey suddenly feels a little selfish, ashamed at herself for forgetting she's not the only one in pain on this terrible day. 

**_We're gonna cry with you, Rey. We'll get through this together._ **

When she finally looks up from her phone, her tears are drying, and the ache seems to dull slightly. She doesn't have to carry all of this alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone that has commented, left kudos, liked and reblogged the tumblr post, or messaged me. It means the world to me that you like this story and how I'm writing it. It was _so_ motivating that I pumped out this 3.5k chapter and outlined the rest of the story! 
> 
> Because of that, I've upped the chapter count to 9. I also added quite a few tags, so please check those out when you have a moment!
> 
> Lastly, this chapter does contain a non-con moment. It ends very quickly, but it occurs in the flashback portion. I'll leave the exact start/finish points in the end notes so you can skip over it if you want to. 
> 
> I'd love to know what you think! Please let me know in the comments or come find me on [tumblr!](http://solosheart.tumblr.com)

**07/07/18**

**21:39:22**

“Yo thief, where’s that coral lipstick I let you borrow two weeks ago?” 

Rey’s finishing a near-flawless cat-eye when she hears Rose holler from the bathroom. Rose is standing with her back toward Rey, but with the bathroom door open, she can see the petite brunette as she stands in front of the sink applying a coat of mascara. 

Rey dips her hand into her makeup bag and finds the lipstick. She throws it and it hits Rose in the butt, bouncing off her sequined skirt and landing on the tile. 

Rose turns around and glares at her. Rey lifts her eyebrows, challenging. 

“It was _one_ week ago, and if I recall correctly, _you_ asked _me_ to hold it for you because you didn’t want to bring a purse.” 

“Stop bickering, Jesus fuck. I’m ready to be drunk,” Finn groans. He’s laying on Rey’s bed with his ankles crossed, scrolling aimlessly through Instagram as Rose and Rey finish getting ready. 

It’s been almost a month without Ben and the two of them have rarely left her side. It’s a blessing and a curse; they’ve known each other for so long that none of them have any filter with each other anymore, and when they spend excessive amounts of time together, they start to poke and press each other’s buttons. 

She wouldn’t have it any other way, though. Not when she’s been plagued with sleepless nights and has been bursting into tears over things like the waiter forgetting her extra side of ranch dressing at the movie theater, or when the local Jack in the Box broke the news via the drive-through speaker that they no longer sell Mini Churros. She sobbed hard enough to make herself nearly vomit over those damn cinnamon donuts. 

The world has always tipped on its axis slightly when Ben and Rey are apart but this time it feels like it’s fallen off completely. Everything feels incomplete, like her life has been riddled with holes that Ben used to fill. She drives herself to work every morning (Ben used to drive them both to work because her office was only a few miles from the base), she makes herself dinner (Ben used to cook dinner most nights, she’s complete shit at literally anything that isn’t toast), she tucks herself into bed (Ben never let go of her during the night, never let her drift too far out of reach). She wakes up alone, exhausted from tossing and turning all night, and does it all over again. 

Rose and Finn make things more complete, more normal. They dull the throbbing pain that lives under the surface of Rey’s skin every waking second and even the sleeping ones, too, because even when she can sleep, she dreams of Ben, and she wakes up sick to her stomach, racing to the toilet so she doesn’t coat the hardwood floor in vomit. 

It’s been rough, to say the least, and her friends can tell. They somehow have convinced her to go out drinking with them— _again—_ even though she feels absolutely wrecked from not sleeping. 

“Alright, I’m good,” Rose says as she emerges from the bathroom. 

Rey stands, smoothing out her black jeans. “Me, too.” 

“Fucking finally,” Finn sighs as he orders them an Uber. 

  
  


**22:58:06**

The bar is crowded and it smells like stale beer. It’s loud as hell thanks to the DJ that’s on stage clicking around furiously on his laptop and the dozens upon dozens of people that have stuffed themselves inside the tiny space. 

Monroe’s is the only bar that’s open past 10 p.m. in Hanna City, so it’s naturally where all the undergrads and young professionals go to congregate on a Friday night. 

Rey’s nursing the same beer she’s had since they got there. She doesn’t want to tell Finn and Rose that it tastes more rank each time she takes a sip of it, because she doesn’t really know why that is. She’s never been one to turn away a Miller or Budweiser or any of the other cheap beer varieties, but tonight, for whatever reason, she can barely keep the Miller Lite down as she tries to stomach another pull. 

“You okay over there?” Finn asks, yelling slightly over the crowd. 

They’re standing around a high round table, which they’d scouted strategically as soon as they walked in and noticed the previous patrons were nearly done with their drinks. 

Rey just nods and tries to right her face, which is twisted up in a grimace as she gulps the lukewarm beer down. 

“You sure? You don’t look so good, Rey-Rey.” 

She’s about to open her mouth to say that she’s all good, that maybe it’s time she switches to whiskey when she feels her stomach turn, and then she’s running to the restroom as fast as she can, praying she doesn’t projectile vomit on a bunch of frat dudes. 

Thankfully, Rey makes it to an empty stall before she upends all the contents of her stomach. It’s mostly foam from the beer because she hasn’t had much of an appetite lately. She clutches her abdomen when she’s done, which still radiates with heavy, unsettling pain and decides that it’s probably best to stay in the bathroom for a few more minutes. 

When it has mostly subsided and she’s gone five straight minutes without gagging, she ventures back out to her friends. 

“Dude, are you okay?” Rose asks. 

Rey shrugs. “Something isn’t sitting right. I think I’m gonna head home, get my hands on some Pepto.” 

Both of her friends nod and hug her and tell her to let them know in the group text when she gets home safe. 

Rey walks outside and relishes in the fresh air. It’s blissful and crisp and there’s not a cloud in the sky when she looks up, thanking the stars for a moment of respite. 

  
  


**12/18/04**

**23:30:19**

Rey’s a freshman at Hanna City High School and it’s the first Friday of Christmas break. 

She’s been at Skywalker House for over two years and it’s her favorite place in the world, even on nights like tonight when it’s the last place she wants to be.

Tonight, she’s at a party with seniors. She was invited to the party by a senior named Justin who’s a first-string receiver on the football team and has the bluest eyes Rey’s ever _seen_. Rey’s gone for him, so every time he replaces her empty, red plastic cup with another full one, she takes it happily and without question. An hour into her first teenage drinking experience, she’s drunk. 

It feels funny, like the world has gone a bit topsy-turvy as her vision slowly starts getting fuzzy around the edges. She feels lighter and freer than she ever has before and decides that outside sounds really nice, even though it’s cold enough to see her breath. 

The cold doesn’t feel bad, though. It’s a nice balm to her heated cheeks and neck. Rey sighs contentedly as she leans against the front of the house.   
  


The longer she stands outside, the further away the party feels. She can hear the faint bumping of the large boom box in the center of the living room and loud laughing and cheering, but it seems like it’s all worlds away. Her head is still spinning, but it’s starting to not feel as euphoric as it had moments ago.

She thinks about Rose and Finn sitting at home playing video games and suddenly feels a pang of guilt. They hadn’t been invited to the party and she’d kept it from them that she was going with a couple of other girls in their grade. 

She thinks about Leia washing the dishes while Maz or Amilyn dries, and about Luke reading a story to the younger kids before lights out. 

It’s her first real night away from them all and she can feel her gut start to twist into uneasy knots when she thinks about how far away they are. How out of her reach. It makes her feel suddenly and overwhelmingly unsafe.

Her eyes begin welling up with tears when she thinks about Ben. 

Sweet, gentle Ben, who is definitely sitting at his desk with the model X-Wing he got for his birthday, painting each piece with painfully slow precision. If it were any other night, Rey would be at home, maybe whooping Finn’s ass in Mario Kart or helping with the dishes, but more than likely she’d be with Ben. They’d be sitting together outside on the balcony listening to music with one set of headphones while they read or sketched. Rey would fall asleep with her head on Ben’s shoulder and he’d wake her when it was time for lights out with a squeeze to her knee. 

“Night, Rey,” he’d whisper when they separated.   
  


Ben, who would understand that maybe she didn’t like being drunk after all, that maybe she _wants_ to spend Friday nights during Christmas break on the couch playing Nintendo or making chocolate chip cookies in her pajamas.

Before she can stop herself, she’s pulling her Emergencies Only cell phone out of her pocket and pressing 3, which dials Ben’s number. 

He’s got one of his own; all the older kids do. He picks up immediately. “Rey?”

She cries harder when she hears his voice and the words tumble out of her mouth before she can stop them. " _BenI’matapartyandmyheadfeelsfunnyandIwanttogohome._ ”

“Woah, woah. Slow down. I didn’t get any of that except _Ben_.” 

Rey takes a deep breath.

“I’m at Shawn’s party and my head feels funny and I want to go home. Can you come get me?” 

Ben’s quiet for a moment and Rey starts to worry that she’s asking too much. He doesn’t owe her this or anything, really. He’s leaving for the Academy in a few months and will probably forget all about her. 

“Why the fuck are you at Shawn’s party?” his voice is bristling with anger and it makes Rey’s stomach drop. 

“J-Justin invited me.”

Ben inhales sharply. “That motherfucker.” 

“No, no, he’s been really nice all night but I just--I miss you and Leia and Finn and Rose.”

“I don’t care if he’s been nice all night, Rey. That dude is a tool. Get as far away from him as you can. I’m on my way.”

Rey nods, but realizes quickly that he can’t see her, and says: “Okay,” and then, “Ben?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Are you mad at me?” 

Rey hears him let out a heavy sigh. “No, Rey, of course not. Just stay where you are. I’ll see you in ten minutes.” 

She stuffs the phone back into her pocket after he hangs up and folds her arms over her chest to protect herself from the cold. It took a while, but it’s starting to sink into her skin now and she clamps down her teeth to keep them from chattering. 

The face of her pink digital watch faces her and she checks it every couple of seconds, counting down the minutes until she’ll hear Ben’s car rumbling down the street. 

Suddenly, a large letterman jacket is being set atop her shoulders. It’s warm and heavy and wonderful for a moment until she turns around and sees its owner smiling wolfishly at her. 

“I was wondering where you ran off to,” Justin says, his mouth strangely close to her ear as he stands behind her. 

“Just needed some air,” Rey bites out as she steps to the side, moving out from under his grasp. She takes the jacket and removes it from her shoulders, turning to hand it back to him. “I’m good, thanks. Ben’s coming to get me.” 

He huffs in disbelief. “Solo? You actually _hang out_ with that loser?” 

Rey’s blood goes hot. “Fuck off, Justin. He’s not a loser.” 

“Woah. Quite a mouth you’ve got, huh Johnson?” He starts to move in on her, walking forward until her back hits brick. The hand that’s not holding his letterman moves to her face, grabbing tight enough to sting. “I bet it can do a lot more than talk _shit_.”

“Why don’t you back the fuck up?” a deep, angry voice sounds then, and Rey’s shoulders almost sag in relief. Ben’s in the yard; he’s left the driver’s side door of his ‘99 Saturn ajar and the engine still running. 

Justin lets out a dark, humorless laugh. “And what’re you gonna do if I don’t, Benny boy?” 

It all happens very quickly after that. Ben’s got quite a few inches on Justin and he lifts weights and runs five miles every morning, sometimes more. He’s lean but he’s also fucking ripped and much stronger than he looks. Justin doesn’t know any of that; all he sees is a tired-looking Ben in a white sleepshirt and sweatpants. 

He definitely doesn’t expect the fist that slams into his nose hard enough that there’s an audible crunch. Justin falls to the ground, clutching his nose and groaning. Ben stalks toward Rey.

“Let’s go.” 

She just nods and takes his hand when he extends it, pulling her so quickly toward his car that she’s nearly running. 

“Fuck you, Solo, and your prude little bitch! You broke my fucking nose!” 

Ben says nothing as he walks her over to the passenger’s seat and closes the door behind her. He gets in and puts the car in drive, still silent. Neither of them look back he speeds out of the neighborhood. 

They’re in the driveway at Skywalker House and Ben cuts the engine before putting his hands back on the steering wheel. Even in the dark, Rey can tell that his knuckles are bruised. 

“Thank you,” she says quietly. 

Ben looks at her, his expression giving away nothing as he breathes, his grip tightening around the wheel. 

“Don’t thank me, Rey. Just promise me you won’t hang out with guys like that,” he pleads quietly, purposefully. “I’m not always gonna be around, and I need you to be safe.” 

The words hang heavy between them. It’s not something they talk about often; the fact that Ben will be gone in a few months, thousands of miles away at Starfighter Academy. They’re strict there, too, and only let the cadets call home once a week or correspond via mail. 

In just two years, he’s become a permanent fixture in her life. He proofreads her essays for school. He saves the last chocolate chip muffin for her at breakfast when she oversleeps or takes too long in the shower. He gives her the books he reads when he finishes them and leaves notes in the margins for her. He even got a handful of iTunes gift cards for his birthday and used them all to download songs that she wanted so they could listen to them with his iPod. 

Ben was Rey’s best friend. She couldn’t imagine not being able to see him or talk to him every day. 

“I wish I could go with you,” she whispers sadly. 

Ben lets out a soft laugh. “Nah, you’d hate it. They only give you three minutes to shower in the morning.” 

Rey thinks about it for a second, and then, “I could make that work.” When Ben looks at her incredulously, she says, “For you.” 

His smile fades into something more thoughtful, more serious. “Promise me, Rey,” he commands, looking her square in the eye. “Promise me you’ll be safe and stay away from guys and parties like that when I’m gone.” 

She can see in his face how important this is to him. It hurts every bone in her body to think about, but she nods anyway. 

“Say it. Please.” 

“I promise, Ben." And then, for good measure, "I promise.” 

Ben nods.

He sneaks her back inside through a side door. It’s too late to go back to the girl’s room, so Ben lets her sleep in his bed and builds himself a pallet on the floor. She isn’t sure if he’s still awake by the time she’s settled comfortably under his covers. His bed smells so much like him; like his soap and clean laundry and just a hint of _boy._ It makes her want to wrap herself up tightly and never leave.

And then, because the night has been so overwhelming and maybe she’s still a little tipsy, Rey does something a bit rash. 

“I love you, Ben.” The words fall out of her mouth. She claps a hand over her lips immediately. 

She waits a few agonizing seconds, her heart hammering in her chest as the silence stretches between them. It feels like it’s been ages since she blurted it out and she’s certain now that he must be asleep. Or maybe, she shudders to think, he's ignoring her.

But then, she hears him sigh. 

“I love you too, Rey. Go to sleep.” 

**07/10/18**

**22:57:18**

The power cable is plugged into the laptop, the Wi-Fi is smooth sailing, and Rey’s cup of chamomile tea is steaming between her palms as she awaits Ben’s call. 

Skype is already up on the laptop and the speaker and microphone have both been checked. She leaves nothing to chance during these rare, precious moments. In the month that he’s been gone, she’s talked to him twice; once when he first arrived, letting her know that he’d made it to the base and would be out of pocket for the next couple of weeks, and then again when he woke her up at 2 a.m. a couple of Wednesdays ago because he’d figured out how to sneak a few minutes alone with the SatPhone and just needed to hear her voice. This was the first time they were going to see each other face-to-face. 

The whimsical ring starts blaring through the speakers at exactly midnight.

  
  
 **_Hubs_ ** **calling…**

There’s a picture of him under the text from one of their date nights. She’d snapped a selfie but hated the face she was making so she cut herself out and kept the photo of him. He was so goddamn beautiful in it. But even his best photo pales in comparison to how beautiful he is when she hits the little green phone icon and answers the call. 

He’s tanner, for starters, and his hair is a little longer. His lips split into a wide grin and his nose scrunches up like it always does when he smiles with his whole face. Her heart feels like it could _burst_.

“There’s my girl.” 

Rey huffs out a laugh and realizes there are tears streaming down her cheeks. “Hey, baby.” 

He’s a little blurry and the audio is slightly delayed, but she doesn’t care. Nothing matters now that she can finally see him.

“How are you? How is everything?” he asks. 

Rey fills him in on how she’s been parading around with Finn and Rose to keep her mind occupied and also helping out Leia on the weekends now that Luke doesn’t move around as easily. The kids she’s been most recently assigned keep her mind off of things, too, and she tells him about how she’s vying for one (or all) of them to get a spot at Skywalker house when one opens up. She tells him that the truck is running fine and she _did_ manage to fix the AC, though that should come as no surprise. 

He just laughs and nods as she goes and goes, relishing in how good it feels to tell him everything.

Well… not _everything._

“What about you, Lieutenant? Saving the world one ex-fill at a time?” 

“You know it, sweetheart.” 

She laughs and then they sit for a second in silence, just looking at each other. After a few moments, he sighs.

“I’m not gonna lie to you. It’s rough over here. We’re lucky to have each other to stay entertained, but god, it’s dull. Until it isn’t, and then it’s like we remember what we’re actually here for.” 

  
Ben’s voice is soft and a little sad. It’s only been a month and she can tell it’s wearing on him; being so far away from her and his family and also having to carry the weight of an entire Squadron on his shoulders. He’s strong, always has been, but war doesn’t care about strength. It wants to steal away all the light from your soul and remake you into something hard. Hard and so, so tired. 

Rey’s heart aches for him. 

He tells her as much as he can about the assignment, which isn’t a lot. He complains about Colonel Snoke, the Squad Commander after looking over his shoulder to make sure he’s alone, telling her that he’s selfish and doesn’t ever seem to have the Squad’s best interest at heart. Rey just listens as he unloads everything he’s able to.

“The way he talks about Red--it’s like he’s ashamed of them. That they failed. Even though so many of them didn’t make it.” His voice trails off at the end and he looks away from her. 

“Well, lucky for Blue, they have the best person in the universe as their Flight Lead,” Rey replies with a cheeky smile on her face, hoping to lift his spirits as much as she can over a webcam. 

When she spares a glance at the microwave she sees that their hour is nearly up and her stomach begins to knot. Ben’s back to looking at her when her eyes return to the laptop.

“I miss you so much. I never stop thinking about you, Rey.” 

“Me either. It’s becoming a problem.” 

He laughs softly, nodding in agreement.

“Tell mom that I’ll call her in a few days, okay? I don’t want her to worry.” 

Rey nods. “I will.” 

“Thanks,” he says, and then she can see him look over the camera and nod at someone. 

“I gotta go, baby. I’ll call again in two weeks, same time and day. We should be back by then, but if we aren’t, I’ll call you on the SatPhone.” 

She nods again. It’s all happening so fast. “Okay.” 

He uses his left hand, the one that dons his gold wedding band, to press a kiss into his fingers and then press them into the camera. 

“I love you, my wife.” 

Rey smiles but feels herself shattering as they get closer and closer to disconnecting. 

“I love you, my husband.” 

He smiles back at her and then winks. The screen goes black.

Rey shuts the laptop and sinks back into the dining room chair. She lets out a heavy breath as thick tears start to fall down her cheeks. She reaches for the little white plastic stick that sits next to her now-cold tea and holds it in her palm. 

The little pink plus sign just makes her cry harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *NON-CON MOMENT: Rey is drunk at a party and a guy grabs her face roughly. Ben interrupts before he can do anything else.
> 
> This moment starts with: 
> 
> _“Woah. Quite a mouth you’ve got, huh Johnson?”_
> 
> and ends right before:
> 
> _“Why don’t you back the fuck up?”_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter clocks in at around 6k, so naturally I had to update the chapter count. 
> 
> We'll spend time with young Ben and Rey in this one and catch up with them present day in the next!
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting, leaving kudos and reaching out to me. I love that you guys love this story and it's such great motivation to keep writing it!
> 
>  ***NOTE*** : I'm in search of a beta for this fic. If you're interested and have experience with betaing, please hit me up on Tumblr! I'd love to have someone look over for spelling/grammatical errors as well as judge pacing and flow of dialogue, etc. Thank you in advance <3
> 
> Here is my [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) :)

****

**SUMMER 2005**

Rey’s on her third helping of cheesy potato skins when Luke finds her at the party. 

“Is it ready?” is all he says as he approaches with his paper plate and starts to pile on what’s left of the buffalo wings. A nervous smile spreads on Rey’s lips as she turns to look at him. She nods. 

“I wrapped the poster tube and everything.” 

Luke wiggles his eyebrows in excitement before biting into a drumstick. 

“Thank you again for all your help,” she continues. “I couldn’t have done it without you.” 

With his mouth half-full, he says, “Sure you coulda. You’ve got serious talent, kid. He’s gonna love it—and if he doesn’t, I’ll smack him _with_ the poster tube.” 

She laughs and nods in agreement, and then Luke’s suddenly getting cornered by a woman that Rey doesn’t recognize, asking him something about the backyard’s ‘ _exquisite landscaping_ ’. He gives her an apologetic look but she waves him off, proceeding to further stuff herself with party food as she takes in the backyard and all its glory. 

Leia and Han have gone all out for Ben’s graduation party. Rey’s never seen such an elaborate occasion; there are streamers and balloons and even a DJ. The extended family of the Skywalkers, the Organas and the Solos are all in attendance, along with all of the Skywalker House kids and all of Ben’s friends and their parents.

She spots Ben in the center of it all looking slightly overwhelmed. He’s surrounded by a group of adults, Leia and Han included, and by how red the tips of his ears are, she assumes they must be doting on him. They haven’t talked much since the party started because every few seconds someone is stealing him away to congratulate him on graduating and attending the Academy. 

It’s all well and good and he deserves every bit of praise he’s getting, but none of this does much to dissolve the rock that sits in the bottom of Rey’s gut when she thinks about how soon he’ll be leaving. 

School let out only a few days ago but they’ve been attached at the hip ever since. Rey has no intention of letting that change for the duration of the summer.

Ben’s eyes suddenly land on hers from across the yard and he gives her a look that begs for a rescue mission. Rey smiles at him and nods, starting toward him immediately.

Before she can reach him, she’s bombarded by Finn and Rose. 

Rose’s fingertips are orange from Cheeto dust and Finn is probably on his fourth cupcake by now. They’re staring at her like two cats that ate a canary. 

“Can I help you?” Rey asks impatiently. 

“We saw your present over there in the pile. I can’t believe you finally stopped messing with it long enough to actually _wrap_ the damn thing,” Finn says lowly and glances around to make sure no one’s listening. “I mean how many times can you re-draw someone’s _ears_?” 

Rey rolls her eyes. 

“I just,” she starts, looking away from them as her cheeks start to pink. “I wanted it to be perfect.” 

Rose lets out a sigh, shaking her head at Rey with that smug look still plastered on her face. 

“Girl, you are so gone. You’re not even trying to hide it anymore!” 

Finn nods in agreement. 

Rey looks between the both of them, indignant. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Oh, don’t _even_ , Rey-Rey. You know _exactly_ what we’re talking about,” Finn chimes in. 

She’s getting more annoyed by the second. She wants to leave this conversation and continue her mission to rescue Ben, but they’ve surrounded her like a barricade and look ready to pounce should she try to escape. 

When Rey doesn’t respond, Rose lets out an exasperated sigh. 

“Oh, my god. _Ben_ , Rey,” Rose whispers, leaning in. “You’re so obviously in love with him.” 

Finn is still nodding alongside her, lips pursed. Rey’s jaw goes slack as she stares at them. 

It’s a ridiculous thing to say. _Of course_ Rey loves Ben. There’s no contest when it comes to who the most important person in Rey’s life is. Rose and Finn come in at a close second with Leia, Luke, and Han rounding out third, but Ben — he’s her best friend. She loves him more than anything in the world, but she’s not _in love_ with him. 

She knows this to be true because to fall in love with someone, there has to be at least a slim possibility that they could also fall in love with you, and Ben doesn’t see her that way. To him, she’s just the hardheaded tomboy that always smells like outside and has clung to him like a damn life raft since she got to the Skywalker House. 

Plus, he’s eighteen now and about to go college and be around a lot of girls his own age—girls that probably wear makeup and have hips and can actually fill out a bra. At fifteen, Rey is all lanky limbs and acne prone, which could be manageable, but she’s also flat as a board in the front _and_ the back.

She huffs at them in disbelief. “That’s insane—shut up. No one is in love with anyone, you idiots.” 

They don’t budge. Finn raises an eyebrow at her and starts to slowly shake his head. 

“Deny all you want, but remember you’re the one that spent a _month_ working on his graduation present.” 

Rey decides that pushing through the two of them is worth the fight they might put up. _Anything_ is worth getting out of this conversation. 

“Step off, both of you. And go wash your hands,” Rey says, nodding toward Rose’s Cheeto fingers before shoving past them. 

Finally, _finally,_ she makes it to Ben and puts on her brightest, whitest smile for the group before asking them to excuse him, claiming she’s got to show him something inside. Ben’s entire body seems to sag with relief as they walk away from the crowd. 

“Thanks for that. I don’t know how many more times I can tell the story of how I got appointed to the Academy. I should just have little brochures that explain the process so I don’t have to,” he says tiredly once they’ve reached the patio. 

He _looks_ tired, too, but he also looks nice in a way he doesn’t normally look. She’s used to him in t-shirts and jeans or basketball shorts when he’s at home, but tonight he’s got on tan dress pants and a lightweight baby blue button-down shirt that’s layered over a nice, well-fitting white tee. The material clings to his pronounced arms and chest that have grown exponentially since he started prepping for the Academy. His hair is brushed and definitely has some sort of product in it because it’s sitting perfectly atop his head despite the humid summer air. 

He looks... _incredible._ Rey is definitely staring. 

“You okay?” he asks, snapping her out of her reverie. 

She stumbles over what to say in her head for a few seconds before nodding like an idiot. 

_Shit. Motherfucking shit on a stick._ Those fucking bastards got in her head. 

It takes a moment, but she eventually talks herself down. She knows it’s almost time for Ben to open all his gifts and wants to give him hers while it’s just the two of them.

Rey sucks in a deep, nervous breath before turning to him. “I have something for you.” 

Ben’s eyebrows lift in surprise. “Yeah?” 

She nods and she’s smiling excitedly as she walks over to the gift table to grab hers, which is tucked away strategically behind all of the much larger ones. The poster tube is wrapped in a shiny, royal blue paper and topped with a large silver bow. The tiny card that she scribbled a message on this morning is taped to the top.

When she hands it to Ben, his eyes are wide. He takes the note off first and she watches him read it, his face and eyes softening instantly. 

_Ben,_

_Thank you for being the best person in the universe._

_Always remember that you can do_ _anything._

_\- Rey_

He’s smiling as he refolds the note and gently stuffs it into his pocket. He doesn’t look at her as he rips off the wrapping paper slowly, but she can see his nostrils flaring and his cheeks starting to pink. 

Rey’s heart is racing by the time he tears it all away and pops out the plastic lid. She watches with sweaty palms as he slides the canvas out of the tube and starts to unroll it. 

When it’s fully spread in front of him, Rey can finally see enough of his eyes to see the tears shining there as he scans over the drawing. 

She’d worked tirelessly on it for weeks during any moment she wasn’t with him. Her sketching abilities had improved tremendously over the last school year thanks to an art elective, but the quality of this particular piece was mostly due to Luke stepping in to tutor her. He was an extraordinary artist that frequently led classes for the kids at the house and when she’d asked him for help specifically with Ben’s graduation present, he agreed happily.

It’s black and white because she has yet to learn enough patience for color. It’s also large and painfully detailed, each medal and aircraft part drawn with exact accuracy.

It’s Ben in a decorated Starfighter uniform, smiling proudly in front of his own X-Wing.

“Rey, this is…” he trails off, voice slightly wrecked. She watches his lip start to tremble and then he takes a deep, steadying breath. When he finally looks at her, his eyes are burning into hers. 

Rey’s knees almost give out. That look—it’s _alarming_.

Suddenly, she feels an overwhelming need to fill the space between them with something other than the way he’s staring at her. “I know it’d be better in color and I gave up on getting your hair right after a few days. Long hair is so hard. And your _ears_ —” 

He cuts her off, but his voice is so fucking soft that she swears it’s almost _reverent_. 

“I love it, Rey. It’s wonderful. You—I had no idea you’d gotten so _good_.”

Her face goes completely red then, all the way to the tips of her ears. She doesn’t have a chance to respond because he’s already got the drawing rolled back up and is pulling her into his arms and pressing her against his chest. One arm is wrapped tightly around her shoulder, the other cradling her head and his lips are soft at her temple. “Thank you. For doing that for me.” 

Rey’s eyes slide closed at the feeling of his lips on her skin and she suddenly knows without a doubt that she’s in _trouble_. She wants to murder Finn and Rose for infecting her with these...thoughts. 

When he kisses her softly in that same spot, Rey’s breath hitches loudly in her throat. If he notices, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he whispers something and it’s so quiet and gentle that Rey almost misses it. Thankfully, she doesn’t.

“I’m gonna miss you so much.” 

  
  


\-----------------------------

It’s a perfect summer.

They go on hikes in the forest that surrounds the house, swim in the lake that’s a few miles down the road, and watch movies while sharing popcorn and M&Ms. Ben doesn’t like to mix the two, but Rey loves it so he does it anyway. They watch hours of Real World reruns in anticipation of the new season and laze around in the yard on blankets listening to music until the sun goes down. 

Ben does PT in the mornings after breakfast. He’s supposed to do at least five miles every day and spend another hour with weights. Sometimes, Rey joins him, though she has yet to find the elusive “runner’s high” people talk about and often feels like she’s about to vomit by the end of it. She spots him with weights though it’s honestly useless; she can’t bench near as much as he can and would fail miserably to stop one of his barbells if it fell on him. Mostly, she just cheers him on. 

As they near mid-summer and it’s blindingly hot even in the mornings, she starts being able to convince him to occasionally skip PT and swim with her in the lake instead. Sometimes the crew tags along with goggles and pool noodles and floaty chairs, but more often than not, it’s just her and Ben. 

She’s been able to persuade him four times by mid-July and they’re as far out as they’ve ever been in the lake one morning when clouds start to roll in. They’d decided to walk the five miles to the lake that day and were both starting to regret it as they rushed back to the shore to gather their belongings. Before they can even get out to the main road, it’s pouring. 

They’ve got their large beach towels hung over their heads as they run in the direction of Skywalker House, their shoes already completely soaked through. The sky’s getting darker by the second and angry, bellowing thunder is echoing all around them when Ben tugs on Rey’s elbow. 

“We need to wait this out. It’s too far from here,” he yells over the rain that’s beating down on the blacktop road. He gestures toward the woods with his thumb and pulls her along with him when he turns on his heel to run. 

All of the kids at Skywalker House know these woods like the back of their hands. It’s where they’ve run and played all their lives and Rey knows exactly where Ben’s leading her. 

There’s a small fort-like structure in the middle of the woods that some kids built a few years before Rey’s time that still stands and has a surprisingly functional roof. As they approach it, Ben kicks some of the leaves out from the makeshift floor and sweeps his hand over the cedar bench to clear off any dust or dirt. For good measure, he lays his towel down and then sits before patting the spot beside him. She follows, wrapping her towel around her shoulders tightly. 

After a beat, he says: “My mom is going to fucking kill me.” 

Rey’s wringing the water out of her ponytail when she looks over to him, confused. “What?”

He’s chewing lightly on his bottom lip, looking slightly anxious. “She got after me the other day about skipping PT and I told her it wouldn’t happen again.” 

A knot full of guilt twists in Rey’s stomach and she’s suddenly angry at herself for making him prioritize spending time with her over his responsibilities, especially if it leads to him getting in trouble. 

“Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t even know she was paying attention.”  
  


He laughs humorlessly.

“That’s because she only does when I’m doing something wrong.” 

Rey doesn’t know what to say to that. Things between Ben and Leia have always been a little strained; she picked up on it even before he told her at length about the constant pressure she put on him to be perfect. Do well in school, participate in extracurriculars, get into the Academy via a Colonel’s appointment, but also be a good influence to the kids and help them with their homework or step up when things need fixing, or building, or cleaning around the house.

“It’s not your fault,” he says softly when she doesn’t respond. “I’d rather be here with you, anyway.” 

Rey’s heart feels fit to burst, but that knot in her stomach feels tighter still, more present. 

The rain smacks against the fallen leaves on the forest floor as they sit, staring out into the trees. The temperature has dropped considerably since the storm rolled in and Rey’s teeth are chattering, her clothes and shoes completely soaked through. Ben notices. 

“That towel isn't gonna help. It’s soaking wet.” 

Before she can protest, he’s taking it off her shoulders and wrapping an arm around her tightly. He’s a furnace, that much has not changed even with the cold front and the instant relief causes her to melt into him. Her head falls gently on his shoulder as her entire body angles toward him, chasing more of his warmth. 

They sit like that for a while and watch the rain. Ben’s breathing heavy and she can feel his cheek hot against her forehead. When he reaches out a hand and places it on her bare knee, she nearly jumps. It’s such a soothing, steady weight against her and Rey’s brain feels like it’s been set aflame when his thumb starts to draw little circles into her skin. 

\-----------------------------

By some stroke of luck, Rey convinces Han and Leia to let Ben teach her how to drive. 

He’s usually the one carting them around when the adults in the house are too busy, so she uses that as a bargaining chip, promising that if they let her do this, she’ll take on the mantle of Skywalker House chauffeur once she has her license.

Leia is neither thrilled about the situation nor will she let Rey use her car, and since Ben’s Saturn is a stick shift, they’re stuck with Han’s rusty old van, which he lovingly calls The Falcon. She’s a 1985 silver-grey Ford Econoline E150 and has too many miles for the odometer to even read. He takes extremely good care of her, though, and Rey and Ben help him in the garage in the evenings sometimes, tinkering around under the hood and learning the ins and outs of what makes her tick. 

Driving her is another story entirely. Rey’s high up off the ground and terrified most of the time, but it’s thrilling nonetheless when they cruise down back roads that seem to wind endlessly toward nothing but horizon. 

Ben is patient with her the whole time. He doesn’t get frustrated when she slams on the brakes or jerks into another lane without using her turn signal. He guides her to an abandoned grocery store parking lot to teach her how to park normally, but also how to back in and parallel. He whoops loudly when she successfully parallel parks in between two orange traffic cones. He soothes her by reaching out to rub her knee when a truck cuts her off on the highway. 

It takes about a month before she’s confident enough to let Han sit in the passenger seat to assess her skills. Ben sits in the back and he’s on the edge of his seat the whole time, and Rey can see in the rearview mirror that he’s looking between her and the road and mouthing silent little cheers whenever she executes something perfectly, just like he taught her. After an hour or so of testing her, Han approves and promises to take her to get her learner’s permit when school starts. 

They celebrate by sitting in the Falcon at Sonic and eating chocolate dip cones. Ben tells her that he’s proud of her, not just for learning how to drive but for everything. For how far she’s come in three years, for everything she has yet to be. 

Rey’s trying not to cry as he smiles a toothy grin at her. She reaches out to wipe a speck of ice cream from his top lip and finds herself cradling his cheek, her hand moving as if disconnected from her brain. It takes every ounce of willpower she’s got to not crawl into his lap when she feels him lean into her touch as his eyes slide closed.

\-----------------------------

It’s nearly August and the days Rey has left with Ben are starting to dwindle. The hours seem to go by faster the closer they get to the end. She doesn’t know how she’ll be able to walk away from this summer and its perfect, blisteringly hot days and cool, humid nights.

They’re parked at one of the canyons that overlooks the lake one night watching lightning bugs, laying side-by-side on the hood of the Saturn. Ben brought a blanket for them to lay on and glass bottles of Coke for them to drink as they watch the sunset streak the sky with pink and orange. 

It's a sticky night and Rey’s getting eaten alive by the mosquitos that hover by the water, but she doesn’t care. Not when her legs are tangled with Ben’s and she’s using his strong, muscular bicep as a pillow. He smells like his shampoo and some new cologne she doesn’t recognize, but he also smells like _Ben_ —like black pepper and laundry and the Skywalker House and the interior of his car. She can’t help but close her eyes as she breathes him in. 

Whatever this thing is that’s growing between the two of them, neither have acknowledged. The way he touches her, how comfortable he is being intimate is something that has been brewing all summer, evolving rapidly into something they don’t have a name for. 

Except Rey knows what it is, at least her part in it.

She’s desperately, unequivocally in love with him. 

But the reality of the situation is not lost on her. She’s fifteen and he’s eighteen and he’s leaving for college in three weeks. He isn’t planning on coming home for the holidays or the summers and is only allowed one phone call a week, which she knows will go to his parents if Leia has anything to say about it. 

Whatever this is has an expiration date that’s flashing like a dying neon sign in Rey’s brain, reminding her that even with his sweet, gentle touches to her skin, he’s preparing to leave her behind. None of this actually matters; she’s a kid to him, someone to goof around with and make the long summer days go by quicker. 

But even with the warning signs and red tape and alarm bells all simultaneously colliding in her head, she’s a selfish, impulsive person that can’t help but relish in every moment that she spends in his arms, even knowing that it means so much to her than it does to him. 

It’s late by the time they leave the canyon—well past lights out. Ben has to sneak her in through the side of the house again, but this time when he offers her his bed, she’s bolder than she was before and asks him to join her.

He hesitates for a moment, looking around the dark room as if assessing the situation and then lifts the comforter to slide in beside her. Ben’s queen mattress is big enough that they don’t have to touch as they lay there in silence, their collective breaths the only sound in the room. 

She’s overwhelmed with him so close in his bed, a familiar and yet completely foreign feeling that’s making her nerves billow quickly up to the surface. The last time she was here, she’d drunkenly blurted out that she loved him and even though he’d said it back, the embarrassment was so potent the next day that she’d wanted to crawl into a hole and live there forever. 

When she says it now, she’s stone-cold sober and has more conviction than she’s ever had in her entire life. There won’t be any regrets this time around. 

“I love you,” she whispers into the dark. 

Ben stops breathing for a second. 

Suddenly, his arms are reaching for her and he’s pulling her tight against him, his lips at her forehead. She hears and feels the strong intake of breath that he sucks in through his nostrils. When he exhales, it’s shaky. 

“I love you too, Rey. So fucking much.” 

They fall asleep like that, completely entwined, and neither of them thinks to set an alarm for the next morning so Rey can run back to the girl’s room before the adults wake up. 

It’s an incredibly unfortunate lack of foresight on their part because Leia finds them in Ben’s bed wrapped up in each other with the blanket almost completely discarded the next morning. 

“Rey.” 

Leia’s voice is colder than a bucket of ice water and has a similar effect in terms of immediately and harshly waking her up. Rey’s eyes shoot open and panic starts to rise in her gut when she realizes where she is. Leia’s in the doorway with her arms folded over her chest and she looks so disappointed that Rey’s entire body seizes in regret. Ben is still fast asleep. 

“I think it’s time for you to go back to your own room, don’t you?” 

She can only nod before she gently peels Ben’s long, heavy limbs off her body and leaves him on the bed, rushing out of the room and past Leia without a second glance. 

When she gets to her bed, she shoves her face into her pillow and cries. 

\-----------------------------

Two weeks have gone by since Leia caught Rey in Ben’s bed and things between them are...strained. It’s little stuff at first; Ben not sitting next to Rey at meals and giving her his chocolate chip muffin, or Ben becoming suspiciously busy in the evenings helping Leia with clerical work in her office instead of in the garage with Rey and Han, or the two of them never going to the lake alone again, always accompanied other kids and more often than not an adult, too. 

Rey doesn’t know how to navigate this. It seems ludicrous to think that Leia’s distrust in her goes so deep that she has to keep Ben away from her almost entirely, but it happens right under Rey’s nose before she even realizes it. She attempts feebly to talk to her and apologize for breaking the rules, but Leia brushes her off, claiming that Ben needs to be focused when he leaves for the Academy. There is no longer any leeway on distractions, and it seems that Rey is his biggest one. 

By the end, when there’s less than a week left before he’s scheduled to be picked up, they haven’t spoken to each other in days. She tries to make eye contact with him across the table but he avoids her, sitting at Leia’s side and eating each meal with his eyes trained on his plate. 

It feels like she’s walking around with a weighted vest on her shoulders. She’s heavy in more ways than one and her friends notice immediately, prodding her for answers and exchanging concerned glances, but she doesn’t tell them what happened. At this point, it hurts too much to think about what they were before all of this. What they were becoming, before everything went wrong.

It’s his last night in Hanna City when Rey sees him in the large hallway that intersects the house looking like he’s about to walk right past her. She glances around to make sure they’re alone before she stops him, hands landing roughly on his chest.

Ben immediately goes tense. 

“Ben, please talk to me. I don’t—I don’t understand what’s going on,” she pleads, her voice already breaking. 

His jaw is tight and she can see him clenching and unclenching his teeth, but he still won’t look at her. 

“ _Ben.”_ It’s like talking to a brick wall, like touching one too, and Rey starts to cry quietly, unable to grasp what’s happening, why he won’t look at her or talk to her even when no one else is around. 

Her hands leave his chest and she covers her face, sobbing into her palms to muffle the noise. Her heartbeat is pounding in her ears but she doesn’t miss when a tight, raspy whisper comes out of him. 

“Meet me at the fort tomorrow before dawn.” 

And then he’s gone, leaving her a blubbering mess and alone in the empty hallway. 

\-----------------------------

She goes. It’s chilly out and she has to take a flashlight with her, though she knows the route to the fort well enough that she could’ve probably done it in the dark. Ben’s sitting on the bench with his head in his hands when she approaches. When he finally notices her, he springs up. 

Rey thinks he’s about to take her in his arms, tell her that he’s sorry for everything that’s happened and that it will all be okay now. 

He doesn’t. 

Instead, he stands there, stiff and far away from her, his fists clenching at his sides. 

“Rey.” His voice almost makes her jump. It’s rumbling and laced with sleep and it feels like it’s reverberating through her entire body. It’s been so long since she’s heard him say her name. 

Before she can say anything, he’s speaking again.

“I asked you out here because we need to talk. You deserve to know what’s going on...why I’ve been so distant.” 

He looks wrecked. He’s in dark blue jeans and a grey hoodie and the circles under his eyes are darker than she’s ever seen them. It’s alarming and heartbreaking all at once and she wants to reach out for him, comfort him, do anything but stand here five feet and a whole world away from him. 

  
She just nods, but her heart is hammering in her chest and her throat hard enough to hurt.

“Our friendship—how _close_ we’ve been this summer, it’s detrimental to my future.” 

The words sound rehearsed like he’s practiced them in the mirror, but they hit Rey’s ears like a hammer to the head. It feels like the world is toppling over and spinning all at once and she’s stuck in the middle, standing stock still and unable to move. 

“When I’m around you, I shirk my responsibilities without a second thought. I don’t think about the long term effects because all I can think about or see is you. It’s not good for me.” 

It hurts and the worst part is it doesn’t surprise her. Rey saw this coming from a hundred miles out because people always leave. Specifically, they always leave _her_ , and she’s known for a long time that she’s not good for him. Of course she isn’t. She wasn’t good for her parents, or any of those fairweather volunteers that brought clothes and canned goods to her tent and promised they’d come back but never did, or Leia, who clearly thinks she’s the worst thing that ever happened to Skywalker House and her son and maybe her life. 

Rey looks down at her shoes and wills herself not to cry.

Ben’s voice breaks as the next words fall out of his mouth, and she can feel the moment her heart shatters in her chest. 

“I don’t think we should talk anymore. When I go to school, I mean. I think you should use this time to be with your friends and—and meet guys your own age.” 

The thought is so alarming, so repulsive to her that she finally breaks her silence. 

“Ben, this is insane. This is your mother talking, not you.” When she manages a glance at him, even in pre-dawn’s low light, she can tell he’s on the verge of tears. 

He shakes his head a little too forcefully, like he’s trying to convince himself, too.

“You’re wrong. If I want to be a Starfighter Flight Lead one day, I need to go into this school year with no distractions. And you—” 

Rey cuts him off by stalking toward him, the anger rising in her chest temporarily drowning out the despair. “No. You don’t get to do this.” 

She’s right in front of him now and jabbing her index finger into his hard, heaving chest. 

“You don’t get to spend the summer treating me like I’m the most important person in the world and then do this. You don’t get to tell me you love me and call me your best friend for _months_ and then stand here and say I’m nothing but a _distraction_.” 

He’s quiet and she’s fuming and she’s still touching his chest. “I’m worth more than that, Ben. Don’t turn me— _this_ , into nothing. Please.” 

Ben looks absolutely wrecked. She can see the fight that’s raging inside of him as his eyes burn into hers, desperate and sad and angry. 

“I love you. More than anything in the entire world. And I know you love me, too.” 

Her fingers are grabbing the material of his shirt now and she can feel the rise and fall of his chest against her knuckles. His face softens almost imperceptibly and she watches his eyes fall to her mouth. Before she can talk herself out of it, she surges up to kiss him. 

It’s tense at first and her lips land hard enough against his that she almost knocks them both over. But then she softens her mouth and cups her hands around his face, silently begging him to kiss her back as he stands there with his mouth in a tight line. Tears start to streak her cheeks and she’s about to pull away from him and run in the other direction when his arms snake around her waist tight enough to bruise. 

Ben’s backing her against the wall of the fort then, hands landing on either side of her shoulders as he kisses her with an intensity she’s trying her hardest to keep up with. It’s her first kiss—she doesn’t know what the hell to do with her teeth or her tongue but he doesn’t seem to care, especially when his mouth opens and she slips her tongue out to lick the length of his bottom lip and he _groans_. 

She can feel Ben’s hips pressing against hers and there’s a hardness growing against her belly that she understands but is unfamiliar with. Her arms intertwine around his neck and the sound she lets out when his lips leave hers and fall to her neck is nearly inhuman. 

“ _Ben,”_ she moans, her fingers finding their way into his hair and tugging. 

The sensation of it or maybe her breathy moaning of his name must be what brings him back to himself because he’s pulling off of her so forcefully that her knees nearly give out. She’s breathless as she stands before him, the expression on her face twisted with confusion and hurt. 

“I can’t—we can’t do this.” 

Somehow, it’s suddenly possible to have your heart broken twice over in the span of fifteen minutes and Rey feels like she’s being split clean in half. 

She’s not good for him. He doesn’t _want_ her. But why then, why did he kiss her? Why was he hardening in his pants as they pressed together and breathed desperately into each other’s mouths? 

“You don’t want me?” she asks, suddenly feeling extremely small. 

It’s quiet for a long time. Too long. When Ben finally speaks, Rey sinks to the floor, defeated. 

“I’m sorry, Rey,” his voice seems to betray all the things he’s trying to hide, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that he might have loved her at one point and kissed her; it was all fleeting, temporary, a passing shadow of everything they could have been. What he says next feels cold. Final. 

“I don’t.” 

He walks away then, leaving Rey crying and alone for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. 

By the time she makes it back to Skywalker House a couple of hours later, hair and face completely wrecked, he’s already gone.  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the feedback on last chapter! I know it was a rough one. It was honestly so hard to write. I *hate* when the babies fight, I really do. We've reached peak angst for young Ben and Rey though, so don't fret—only way to go is up. 
> 
> Small note: This chapter is almost completely Ben-less. I know that sucks and I miss him too, but trust in me and (hopefully) the payoff will be super worth it!
> 
> Also, I've already written Chapter 6! I plan to spend today editing it and creating its moodboard so I can get it posted tomorrow around the same time. :)
> 
> As always, come find me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com)! 
> 
> p.s. I am still looking for betas for this fic. I have had a couple sweet folks reach out and one lovely friend has started looking over things but it is always nice to have more than one. My only stipulation is that you must be at least 18 (preferably 21) years old. I don't feel super comfortable asking someone under 18 to proofread my Reylo porn. Read it once it's posted if you want to, but just no betaing for me yet. Come find me when you turn 18, lol. Hope you understand!

**07/13/18**

Rey sits in the truck at the doctor’s office as long as she possibly can before forcing herself to go inside. She’s given herself as many pep talks as she can spare; there’s nothing left to do now except find out the truth. It’s raining hard enough that she’s dripping by the time she makes it to the front desk. 

“Name?” asks the receptionist without looking up. 

“Solo. Rey Solo. I have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Moretti at eleven.” 

She gets checked in and asked to sit in the waiting room which smells like lavender and lemon Pine-Sol. The couches are comfortable but Rey can’t sit still; biting her nails is a habit she kicked years ago but has somehow reclaimed in the past two days and she’s gnawing on what’s left of her pinky nail when the medical assistant calls her back. Her vitals and temperature get taken and then she waits, sitting on the crinkly paper and wondering if her life is about to be completely turned upside down. 

A baby. A tiny human that she and Ben made that’s made of them in equal parts.

A rush of affection runs through her and she resists the urge to run a hand over her belly. It might be a false-positive, anyway. That happens sometimes. There’s no use in getting her hopes up or freaking out when this could very well be just indigestion or cramps. Or maybe an adult-onset gluten allergy. She has been eating more toast than normal as of late.

But Dr. Moretti’s been her gynecologist for over ten years, so when she enters the room with a huge, face-splitting grin, Rey knows the positive was not false in the slightest. 

“The test results are in,” she says it as though the outcome isn’t painfully obvious. “You’re definitely pregnant.” 

Knowing it's coming doesn’t make it any less of a shock to hear out loud. Rey stares at Dr. Moretti and tries to digest the words, her legs swinging idly back and forth under the exam table. 

“Pregnant,” she repeats, testing out the word in her mouth. 

Moretti nods. “Pregnant. With child.” 

“Okay.” 

The doctor’s rust-colored curls bounce as she moves to sit on the rolling stool and wheels herself over to the table, staying quiet as Rey processes.

Rey thinks she might be a little bit in shock or something. The words sound in her ears but she can’t fully grasp them; it’s so strange— _too_ strange—to try to fathom the idea that she’s going to be a mother. That Ben’s going to be a father. That they’re going to be _parents_.

She’s terrified and excited and nauseated all at once. She wishes, more than anything, that Ben was with her right now. He’d grab her hand and squeeze it and tell her that everything was going to be okay—that they'll do this the way they do everything else. Together. He’d be crying and hugging her and kissing all over her face and neck. He’d be ecstatic and probably not even half as scared as she is. 

Dr. Moretti's voice snaps her back to reality. “You’re about two months along right now. How are you feeling?”

She takes a deep breath. “I’m okay, I guess. Definitely nauseated. I throw up most mornings, but other than that...fine," she shrugs and Dr. Moretti just nods, so she continues. "Ben’s gone—he got deployed to Jakku for six months. I, um. I haven’t told him anything yet.” 

“Well, it’s very early. I can understand that. Have you thought about your options?”

And despite all of the unease and anxiety that have taken deep root in her gut, she realizes in a moment of beautiful clarity that there were never _options_ , plural, in any scenario that has run through her head. 

She may be scared shitless and alone (for now), but she’s having this baby.

_Their_ baby. 

\-------------------------

It’s like her car drives itself to Skywalker House. 

Rey’s there before she even realizes she’s gone the forty-minutes out of her way to get to the sticks of Hanna City. It looks exactly the same as it always has: dark brick wrapped in bright green vines and chalk-art lining the walls and pavement. 

The kids are at school which leaves the home oddly quiet and still. When she steps into the oversized entryway, she’s hit with a wave of familiarity and warmth that wraps around her like a bear hug. It smells like chicken pot pie and Clorox wipes and a hint of dirty gym clothes. It smells like _home_ , and the storm of fear that's been rumbling inside of her finally starts to settle. 

She finds Leia in her office staring at something on her computer with her face too close to the screen. She’s got her reading glasses on and her hair is done up in beautiful, ornate braids—as it always is—and when she sees Rey standing in the doorway, her entire face lights up. 

“Oh my god!” 

She’s up, her tiny body rushing over to Rey and pulling her cheeks down to kiss before squeezing her shoulders.

“My beautiful daughter-in-law. Where have you been?” 

“I’m sorry I haven’t called. Things have been a little crazy.” 

Rey sets her purse down on Leia’s desk and the two of them sit down in the comfy leather chairs that sit in the middle of the room. Leia crosses her ankle over her knee and pulls her glasses down to the bridge of her nose. She stares at Rey expectantly.

“Tell me everything," she says, and Rey _really_ wants to.

She wants to because although Leia is Ben’s biological mother, she’s also been a mother to Rey for almost her entire life. Through arguments and groundings and that dreadful summer when Rey hated every bone in her body and every hair on her head, Leia still made sure that Rey never, _ever_ wanted for anything. She never went hungry, never had to go to school with ratty clothes or smelly hair. 

Even when they were at the lowest point in their relationship, Leia made sure that Rey always enough help with her homework and got the yogurt she liked in her lunchbox and had movie and candy money on Friday nights.

Even when Rey hated Leia, she loved her. They loved each other. It had made hating her that much more painful. 

Especially because Leia demands the truth—always has—even if she doesn’t ask for it outright. You can never be anything but honest and fully yourself around her or she’ll see right through you.

Rey _has_ to tell her.

“I’m pregnant.” 

Leia's quiet for a moment. Stunned. Then, she immediately starts crying. She also laughs. Then she cries some more and then Rey’s crying and they’re hugging and it’s a huge, wonderful, emotional mess. They eventually move into the living room and sit close to each other on the couch with mugs of chamomile tea, both with tear-stained cheeks and faint, deliriously happy smiles.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna be a grandma,” she says the last word like it's heavy in her mouth, annunciating each syllable. Her lips twist with sudden distaste. “I think I like G-Ma better. Or maybe GiGi. Something cuter than stuffy old _grandma_.” 

Rey laughs. “You are much too refined to be reduced to such a basic title.” 

Leia bows her head in agreement. “Thank you, daughter,” she says dramatically. 

The giggles between the two of them die down eventually and turn into happy sighs as they sink further into the couch. 

“When are you gonna tell him?” 

“I don’t know. Soon, I just,” she stops and looks down at her thumbs as they rub the rim of the mug absently. “I hate that I have to tell him over Skype. I want to see him. See his face. I want him to hold me.” 

Leia’s nods and then is quiet for a moment. Rey knows that Ben hasn’t had a chance to call her yet and remembers suddenly the message she promised to relay. 

“He told me to tell you that he’s going to call soon, by the way. And _not to worry_ ," she quotes him in the best Ben voice she can muster, all deep and gravely and dramatic. "Like either of us could possibly do that.” 

She chuckles and then turns to face Rey. “I wish he could be here, too. If I know my son, he’ll probably cry harder than both of us combined.” 

\-------------------------

It's late evening by the time the kids start rolling in from their after school activities. They're drenched in mud and rain and Luke is hauling them all into the mudroom, waving Leia off when she tries to assist.

They've been in the den for hours talking about the baby and what it'll be like, but they mostly talk about Ben. Rey has found in their time apart that she loves to talk about him with the people that know him best. She likes to hear stories about him, even the ones she already knows, like the one where he tried to tape a lizard to his ankle under his jeans at recess so he could sneak it home and keep it as a pet.

“He was such a curious, intelligent boy,” Leia tells her for probably the hundredth time, but it doesn’t ever get old. 

She spends the night and sleeps in Ben’s old room. It’s unchanged, from the X-Wing models and superhero posters on the wall to the denim-blue comforter on his bed. It looks like something out of time; a relic of a version of them that they haven’t been in many years.

Even though his scent as a man is different from his scent as the teenage boy that lived in this room, it’s still all _Ben_. Different roads that wind toward the same destination, and Rey is comforted by it all the same. She wraps herself in his comforter and she suddenly feels fifteen again, the world alight with possibilities and burning so painfully bright. The very beginning of their love story. 

She sleeps soundly through the night.

When she wakes, the air smells like pancakes and bacon. Rey _knows_ Luke is responsible. They’ve always had a kitchen crew on staff at Skywalker House, but Luke likes to cook on the weekends or when he gets a wild hair up his ass and wants to try some new, elaborate recipe he found in _Food and Wine_. 

She shuffles into the kitchen wearing a pair of Ben’s old flannel pajama pants and a holy tank top. Her hair is in a dreadfully messy bun atop her head and she’s groggy from the eight hours she just clocked for the first time in forever. Luke doesn’t care about any of that, though, and he hugs her so tight that he almost picks her up off the ground and ruffles the bun back and forth once he releases her.

“It’s good to see you, _mama_ ,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Rey coughs, so surprised that her breath hitches in her throat. She stumbles over her next words, stunned and flummoxed at the idea of Leia _already_ spilling the beans to Luke. 

“Wha—did she?! You talked—Leia _told_ y—”

He cuts her off. “She didn’t say anything. I heard you doing some weird… cry-laughing thing from the office yesterday and heard her say something that sounded very much like _grandma_. Neither of you are very subtle.” 

Rey’s still staring in disbelief. Luke wraps his arm around her shoulder. “Cat’s out of the bag, Rey-Rey. I’m thinking I want to be _Unc_ , by the way. Instead of just like, _Uncle Luke_. So formal and boring.” 

At that, she rolls her eyes. Of course he’s already thought of his own nickname.

She hasn’t even told the _father_ of her child that she's pregnant yet and Luke’s coming up with nicknames. 

**OCTOBER 2005**

There are only twenty seconds left in the fourth quarter of the Homecoming football game and the entire stadium is on its toes, collective breath held in anticipation of the next play. The teams are tied and the Hanna City Raiders can’t _possibly_ lose to Nayli Prep at Homecoming when they’ve won this game every year for the past fifty. The shame would be _unbearable_. 

Thankfully, their QB is solid this year and when he snaps a Hail Mary to the receiver it lands perfectly in his awaiting hands just as the clock ticks down to zero. The home-side of the stadium completely erupts in cheers and screams and they’re all on their feet, jumping up and down and hugging each other. Even Paige, who groaned the entire way to the game about how _boring_ football was, is standing with her fists held high over her head, screaming in victory as loud as her lungs will allow. 

They go through the typical closing ceremonies and practically scream the school song. Rey’s surrounded on both sides by friends and the rush is vibrant and flowing through all of them as they start to gather their belongings and concession trash. She’s got her back to the field and a stupidly huge smile on her face when she sees Rose’s eyes grow about twice their normal size.

“Oh, _shit_ ,” Rose exclaims. 

Then there’s a slew of whistling and whooping coming from the stands and Rey’s even more confused, so she turns around to see what they’re all freaking out about and her face shifts immediately into something akin to terror. Her heart is pounding in her ears and her cheeks are hot and red and she can barely breathe let alone speak. 

It’s Davis Seaholm—the sweet, unassuming tailback that’s new to Hanna City this year and has a massive crush on Rey. He’s standing on the field, flagged by his buddies in their sweaty varsity uniforms and they’re all holding signs with big boxy letters that all add up to say:

**_REY, HOMECOMING?_ **

And _Jesus H. Christ,_ is she embarrassed. It’s not that she doesn’t like Davis, but she’s never really had an actual conversation with him, either. He’s attractive in a typical way: blonde hair, tan, muscular. He dresses well and never wears flip flops with his jeans (an absolute dealbreaker) and he holds the door open for people and pays attention in class. 

Rey could probably do well to date someone like Davis.

Davis, who is standing in the middle of the football field, grinning up at her and holding his arms out to shrug in an endearingly sheepish way. 

And maybe it’s the collective _awww_ s that happen within the crowd or the way Rose is staring up at her like she just won the goddamn lottery.

Maybe it’s the overwhelming urge to no longer be the center of attention in the thousand-seater stadium. 

Maybe it’s the fact that Ben hasn’t said a word to her, on paper or otherwise since he left for the Academy. 

Whatever the reason may be, Rey nods her head _yes_. 

\-------------------------

Being at home isn’t easy anymore.

It’s definitely not the safe haven it used to be, nor is it something Rey looks forward to at the end of every school day like she once did. In fact, she dreads the end of 8th period, wishing every afternoon that the bus will just take her along on the rest of its route and then deposit her at the nearest train station. There are benches near the tracks that have shiny wooden planks and are wide enough to sprawl out on. She’s definitely slept on worse. 

But as much as she _wants_ to take off and never look back, the notion is always plagued with an overwhelming sense of guilt. She can’t do that to Rose and Finn, and she knows that Luke wouldn’t sleep, nor would he let the rest of the _city_ sleep until he found her. It isn’t worth all the trouble when she’s too young to buy a train ticket anyway and too slow to get far enough away on foot. 

So, every day, she gets home and walks in with her friends and says hello to Maz, Amilyn, Luke, and Han, and then turns and walks in the other direction without a second thought. 

She’s gotten remarkably good at pretending Leia Organa-Solo does not exist. 

It’s easier this way—pretending they never had a relationship in the first place. Pretending that Leia is not the person that saved her from the raggedy plastic tarp she called home for most of her childhood. Pretending that Leia hadn’t broken her heart into a million pieces when she decided that Rey wasn’t good enough for her son. 

Leia, on the other hand, is _not_ very good at pretending. 

The attempts that she’s made to try to reconcile with Rey have been frequent and they’ve evolved from a quiet apology in the rare moments they’re unintentionally left alone, to Han doing Leia’s bidding for her, claiming that it’s 'time they aired all this shit out like families are supposed to', which was rich coming from the most stoic man she’s ever met (besides Ben). 

Rey squanders any and all of the attempts and everyone around them is starting to worry if things will _ever_ recover. If they’ll ever be able to have a meal without the huge, gaping rift that separates the dining room with Leia on one side, guilty and full of regret, and Rey on the other, festering in a pool of bitterness and rage. 

She tells Luke and _only_ Luke about what happened at the game. Retelling the event makes her feel more excited about the prospect of getting dolled up and going to the dance with a cute boy, but her face immediately falls when she realizes that there’s nothing even _close_ to a homecoming dress in the girl’s shared closet. The only remotely “formal” thing in there is the yellow-orange ball gown that Paige wore when she dressed up as Belle from Beauty and the Beast a few years ago for Halloween. That’s definitely not going to work. 

"I _might_ have an idea," Luke says, and Rey eyes him suspiciously. Luke? An idea? For a _Homecoming dress_? This cannot end well.

\-------------------------

It’s a rainy Tuesday afternoon, so they’re home from school earlier than usual because their hangout spots are all uncovered and soaked from the storm. Rey and Rose are sitting at the smaller table in the kitchen doing their homework when the phone rings. Picking up the phone in the kitchen, which is the main line for Skywalker House, is not something that the kids do, so neither of them moves to get it or even looks up. 

Suddenly, Han’s rushing into the kitchen, wiping the engine grease off his hands with a dirty red rag before grabbing the phone and answering it _just_ in time.  
  


“Hello?” he’s out of breath, but he sounds...excited, which _is_ enough to make the two girls look up. Han doesn’t really do excited. Or ecstatic. Or gleeful, or really _anything_ overwhelmingly _happy_. 

A beat, a half-smile, and then: “Heya, son.” 

Rey nearly drops the pencil in her hand. She can see Rose staring at her in her peripheral vision, but Rey can’t really move. She’s hit with a wave of desperate, angry pain that floods into her stomach and makes her squeeze the plastic shell of the pencil hard enough that her knuckles go pale.

It's just that she's been doing so _well_. There are only a couple of days until the dance and Luke’s promised her that he’s got “something” up his sleeve in terms of what she’ll wear, and Davis is just, _so_ excited to go with her. He’s sweet and sits with her at lunch and walks her to her classes every day and it’s all _nice_. It’s been so _goddamn_ _nice_ to not feel like the world around her is blazing with bright, brutal fire. 

“Uh, yeah, you know. Things are uh, good. Same ole, same ole.”

Pause. 

“Me? Oh, I was just uh, outside workin’ on the Falcon.” 

Pause.

“There’s always _somethin’_ that can be improved upon, Ben.” 

Rey’s about to vomit all over her homework. She feels stuck to her seat like she’s been taped down and as much as she wants to leave, she also wants to hear Han say his name again. She hates herself for wanting him to say it over, and over, and over again. 

Then Leia bursts into the room looking pleased and brimming with excitement, ready to take the receiver from Han. When her eyes land on Rey, she inhales sharply. 

That does it.

Whatever mental duct tape that had kept Rey rooted in her seat rips away and she pushes her chair out violently, slamming it into the wall behind her before sprinting out of the kitchen. Han talking to Ben felt enough like a rusty butter knife getting shoved into Rey’s gut; she can’t even fathom how listening to any exchange between him and Leia. Even the thought of it makes her run to the toilet, sure she’ll puke out her lunch at any second. 

Whatever, _however_ Ben’s doing right now _should_ be of absolutely no consequence to Rey. Not anymore. Not after he told her he didn’t want to talk to her, didn’t _want_ her at all, and left her crying in the fort. Alone. He hasn’t written her any letters and he hasn’t asked for her over the phone (Han would tell her if he did, right?) so she can only assume that he’s doing exactly what he set out to do.

He’s living his life free of distractions—free of _her_ —and probably excelling. Thriving, even. Rey’s stomach lurches and she leans over the toilet, ready, but nothing comes up. Nothing but a flood of memories that she’s worked so hard to repress for the past two months: 

The sunset at the canyon on the hood of Ben’s car.

The blood on his knuckles after he punched Justin and made her promise him that she'd be safe.

His eyes in the dark when he told her how much he loved her.

The way he kissed her like he had nothing left to give, but still wanted to give her _everything_. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH I MISS HIM TOO REY


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Sam and Felicia for looking over this! I'm so happy to have you guys <3

**OCTOBER 2005**

The dance is two days out when Luke corners her at breakfast as she pours herself a cup of coffee. He stands in front of her with that classic, all-knowing Skywalker quirk in his lip, looking like he’s about to tell her the most delicious secret. 

“It’ll be ready when you get home from school today.”

Rey knows what he’s insinuating, but wants to hear him say it. “ _It_?” 

Luke, who is undeniably the cheekiest person she knows, just nods. “It. Look, I want you to trust me on this...and just, promise me you’ll keep an open mind, okay?” 

Great. She’s going to look like freakin’ Debbie Harry at her Sophomore homecoming, isn’t she? 

She takes a sip of her coffee and rolls her eyes. “If it doesn’t fit, or if it has sequins, I’m going to murder you.”

\----------------------

As worried as she is that she’s about to walk in on Luke holding some tin-foil looking thing straight out of 1987, she’s also itching with anticipation by the time the bus gets to their stop. Rose and Finn run alongside her on the dirt road that takes them to Skywalker House and then they race down the winding driveway until the three of them slam roughly into the front door. 

They’re all out of breath and laughing as they stumble inside, hanging their backpacks on the designated hooks near the door. Rey takes the stairs two-at-a-time then, a thousand different dress options running through her mind, all with varying levels of acceptability. 

What is absolutely not acceptable, however, is Leia standing in front of Rey’s bed, looking down at a black garment bag that has been laid neatly atop her comforter. 

She’s going to fucking _murder_ Luke. Murder him _dead_. Finn and Rose will help her bury the body. They have a pact.

“No fucking way,” Rey huffs when she sees the garment bag and turns quickly on her heel to walk out of the room. 

“Rey, please—please just hear me out. _Please._ ” 

The desperation in her voice and the fact that it’s nearly broken as she pleads makes Rey stop before she’s got both feet out the door. She doesn’t turn back to look at her, though.

“This dress belonged to my mom. I thought—well, I don’t know what I thought. Maybe I thought you’d want to wear something original.”

Rey huffs out a dark, humorless laugh. “Since when do you give a shit about what I want?” She spins on her heel, turning around in time to see Leia grimace.

“Rey—” 

“No, Leia. This,” Rey points to the dress and then gestures between the two of them. “Doesn’t mean anything. Doesn’t change _anything_.” 

“I know that. But listen, just for a moment. Please. I promise after that I’ll take the dress and leave you alone. Luke’s waiting in the wings to take you to the boutiques on main if you don’t want to wear it.” 

Fucking _Luke_ —dead man walking is what _he_ is. 

She swallows tightly and gives Leia a curt nod, counting down the seconds in her head until she can leave and finally, _finally_ make good on her escape plan. Finn and Rose will understand one day and she can probably convince someone at the station to buy her a ticket if she slips them an extra ten or something.

“The past few weeks have been very um, eye-opening. For me.” 

Rey scoffs. Leia ignores it and presses on. 

“I realized—obviously much too late—that the way I was treating my son, and by association _you_ , was wrong. It was wrong and had _been_ wrong for...for a long time.”

Leia looks down at her shoes. Rey’s eyes follow until she sees the short heels that she always wears with tiny black bows on the tops. 

“He’s having a tough time,” she utters, voice low and thick. Rey finds her eyes then. A knot suddenly begins to form quickly and tightly in her stomach. 

“Ben,” she continues. “He’s not doing so well. At the Academy.” 

The thing is, Rey knows that she shouldn’t care. She shouldn’t give in here and let Leia convince her that she’s _changed_ and that she actually does love Ben for him and not just what she _wants_ him to be, or that she actually loves _Rey_ and not just the hungry, homeless twelve-year-old she picked up off the street that made for a good tax write-off.

But... _Ben_. What’s wrong with him? Is he okay? Is he hurt? Did something happen? 

Leia must be able to see the panic written all over her face. She’s never been much good at poker faces, especially when it comes to matters related to Ben Solo. 

“Nothing’s happened. He’s fine, physically speaking. But we talk every week and he’s just, well. He’s lonely. Sad, I think. Sadder than any eighteen-year-old out on his own for the first time has any right to be, and I—I know that’s because of what I _did_. To the two of you.”

She’s stuck again, her feet taped this time and she just blinks at Leia, unsure of what to make of the statement. _He’s lonely and sad and it’s obvious when she talks to him._

Rey’s heart starts to ache. 

“So, I asked Luke if I could, you know, _intervene_ , with the dress because I wanted to talk to you about this face-to-face,” Leia’s fidgeting with her wedding band like she always does when she’s nervous, spinning the diamond around and around on her finger. “I wanted to tell you that I know I deserve every bit of your anger, and your hatred. I’ll deserve it every day for the rest of my life for how much I’ve made you doubt yourself and doubt how much I love you.” 

It’s like being punched in the stomach and Rey’s eyes suddenly fill with tears that she refuses to cry. 

“Because I do, love you, very much. But that isn’t what matters, not right now. What matters is that Ben—” she sighs, “Just, please don’t blame Ben for my mistakes, Rey. I didn’t give him much of a choice this summer. I’ve never given him much of a choice.” 

Suddenly, a thread gets pulled in Rey's memory and she feels a wave of bravery on his behalf. “He killed himself all summer to please you, you know that, right?” 

Leia looks at her and nods. “I know.” 

“He didn’t deserve you getting in his head. Neither of us did.” 

“I know.” 

“So, what now? You just had some epiphany that you’ve been a shitty mother and I’m supposed to act like nothing happened?” 

Leia winces at the dig but Rey doesn’t care. She doesn’t get to do what she did and get off scot-free because she finally realized how royally she screwed everything up. 

“I’m not asking you to do that, no.” 

“Then what _are_ you asking?” 

“I’m asking you to talk to him. Write to him. You don’t have to forgive him, or me, but, I think he just wants to hear from you. To know that you’re okay.” 

Rey shakes her head in disbelief, hoping the action will suppress the screams that threaten to burst from her lungs at any second.

“He should’ve thought about that before he told me he didn’t want to be in my life anymore! I don’t care if you planted the words in his head—he still _said_ them. He still left me out there crying, alone.” 

“Rey, I—” 

“No. This is over. I’ve given you more time than you deserve and I don’t—I _can’t_ listen to this anymore. I need to go find a stupid goddamn homecoming dress two days before the dance and then subsequently axe murder your brother for arranging this entire thing.” 

Before Leia can spit out anything else, Rey’s gone from the room, slamming the door as hard as she can behind her. 

\----------------------

The days following Rey’s confrontation with Leia and leading up to the dance are a whirlwind full of french manicures and accessory shopping and choosing the perfect boutonniere for Davis. 

Somehow, Luke manages to survive her wrath long enough to take her to six different boutiques around town until she finds a simple, dark purple dress with spaghetti straps that turn into an open, criss-cross pattern down her back. It goes just past her knee and fits Rey like a glove and she’s instantly in love. When she sees the price tag, it should make her nervous, but she just pokes her head out of the dressing room to find Luke sitting in the waiting area.

“You’re buying me this dress, and you will not complain about how expensive it is, and after that maybe— _maybe_ I will consider not strapping bricks to your ankles and throwing you in the lake.” 

Luke sighs. “You know, the ways you are deciding to murder me seem to be getting more and more gruesome,” he says dejectedly. 

“I am aware.” 

He does buy the dress, though, and the shoes and her purse and even a little silver headband for her updo.

“Have I graduated to a merciful arsenic poisoning yet?” he asks as they walk through the mall. 

She peeks at him out of the corner of her eye. “Maybe.” 

\----------------------

The dance itself is...fun. It’s quite a spectacle. Davis picks up Rey, Finn, and Rose in his white Suburban, which is so nice that Rey thinks she could happily live inside of it. 

They’ve decorated the gymnasium from floor to ceiling with streamers and pom poms in the school’s colors of navy, baby blue, and white. There’s a DJ and a ton of food and sodas and a photo booth in the corner where people are laughing as they pose with wigs and stupid hats. 

Davis takes her hand when they walk out onto the dance floor and they stay out there for most of the night. The DJ mercifully does not play any slow songs early on, so a mix of Davis and Rey’s friends all surround them as they do the Bunny Hop and Cha Cha Slide and dance (extremely poorly) to Nelly and Usher and the rest of Top 40. 

It’s fun. It really is. Rey feels light and free as she bounces around with her friends and holds the hand of a nice boy that goes and gets her water when she asks him to and saves her from being trampled on when a dance move nearby them goes terribly wrong. She’s enjoying herself. She really is. 

But Rey can enjoy herself and have a great time and still think about the fact that Ben is not okay. _Right?_

He’s not okay. He’s lonely and sad and he wants to talk to her. 

He broke her heart, shattered it so roughly and carelessly that she spent _days_ having to remind herself to breathe. He split her in half and let her insides spill out onto the forest floor when he told her he didn’t want her. 

And yet, here she is, doing some poorly executed rendition of the Polaroid picture dance move from _Hey Ya!_ , and she still can’t stop thinking about him. It’s infuriating. 

They’re all sweaty and breathing hard toward the end when the first slow song comes on. It’s _All My Life_ by K-Ci and Jo-Jo and Rey’s starting to sway to it on her own when Davis reaches out a hand. She takes it and then wraps her arms around his shoulders while he secures his at her waist. They move slowly together and he’s staring at her and it should be romantic and perfect but she can’t stop thinking about Ben. All she can see is Ben, upset and alone and struggling. 

The song’s nearly finished when Davis pulls her closer and, without preamble, bends down to slot his lips over hers. Before she even has time to tell him no, he’s trying to stick his tongue between her lips and grasping her head in his hands. 

Finally, she’s able to break from his grasp, wiping her mouth off roughly with the back of her hand. She starts to storm off the dance floor and he follows. She whirls around to see him right behind her and suppresses the urge to punch him square in the jaw. 

“What are you _doing_?” she fumes.

He looks stunned. Incredulous. 

“What do you mean what am I doing? I—I thought you were into me?”

“That doesn’t give you the right to just shove your tongue down my throat without asking!” 

Davis scoffs, looking around the room indignantly. “Are you serious right now, Rey?” 

Rey squares her jaw. “Yes, Davis. I wasn’t ready to kiss you yet. And you took that choice away from me. If you can’t see how fucked up that is, then you’re not as nice as I thought you were.” 

He laughs at that. Literally laughs. Rey’s cheeks go hot and she feels a sinking in her stomach, a terrible revelation unfolding as she suddenly sees Davis for who he really is. 

“Well, you were a _colossal_ waste of time. And money,” he says menacingly as he stares at her, shaking his head. “I’m out of here. Tell foster mommy to come pick up you and the other rugrats.”

Davis leaves without looking back then, and if Rey were any less bewildered she’d probably be sobbing right now, humiliated and disappointed. She’d been so utterly bamboozled by this dude that she’s not sure what’s real and what’s not anymore. He’d seemed nicer than the average high school jock and yet had proven so quickly to be right in line with the worst of them. 

She finds Finn and Rose shortly after he leaves and tells them what happened. 

“Wow. What a fucking dick,” Finn seethes. “I can’t believe he called you a waste of time. Bastard fucking dumpster fire human.” 

Rey feels a surge of affection for him as the expletives continue to leave his lips. Rose is equally as pissed but is also pulling out her cell phone to call Luke and ask him to come get them. 

“Let me do it,” Rey says, holding her hand out to Rose. “He owes me.” 

\----------------------

It’s been a week since Homecoming and, much to Rey’s comfort, everyone’s already tired of talking about it. Davis pretends that she doesn’t exist and frankly, that’s completely fine with her. She’d brushed her teeth ten times the night of the dance, just trying to get his sour, fruit punch breath out of her mouth. She’ll be fine if they never have to speak to each other again. 

Rey’s laying face down on her bed with her legs swinging in the air as she scribbles down vocab notes for her World History class. They’re covering the Cold War and she’s somewhere between Marshall Plan and McCarthyism when Luke knocks on the open door frame. 

“If I might interrupt.” 

Rey looks up at him, tapping her pencil on her chin. “It looks like you’re going to no matter what I say.” 

He nods and then walks into the room, sitting down at the edge of Rose’s bed, which is right next to Rey’s. There’s something in his hands that she can’t quite make out because he seems to be cradling it, holding it close to his chest. 

“What is that?” 

“I’m gonna tell you, but first you have to promise me something.” 

Rey can’t help but roll her eyes. “The last time you said something like that, you were orchestrating an intervention between me and your sister. I’m not making you any promises for a while.” 

Luke lets that sit for a second before nodding. “Fair enough, but look. You’re mad. I get it, trust me. I was mad a lot growing up, too. And my sister, she, _well_ ,” he shrugs, “she fucked up. We all know that. She knows that. But Ben…” 

And then he’s holding out his palm and she sees what’s in it. It’s an envelope, slightly wrinkled and not very big, but it’s got her name on it and the address to Skywalker House. In the top left corner, it says Ben’s name and the address to the Academy. Rey’s heart is suddenly in her throat. 

“Ben is a victim here, too, even if it may not seem like it. She wrecked _both_ of you because she’s deathly afraid of losing _either_ of you. I know it doesn’t make sense now, but it will, someday.” 

He takes the hand of hers that’s not holding the pencil and opens her palm. On it, he sets the envelope. He stands, preparing to leave, before turning back to her again. 

“I think you’re old enough now to see that there are two types of guys in the world. Guys like Davis who don’t _ask_ and just, you know. _Take_. Even if you don’t want them to. And guys like Ben, who gets you home safe when you call them in the middle of the night because you’re drunk and scared.” He stands there idly for a second, and then: “Which one do you think deserves your forgiveness?”

Rey’s quiet as he turns back to the door. Before he’s out of sight, she throws the pencil at him to get his attention. It bounces off his shoulder and does the trick; he’s looking at her expectantly from the top of the stairwell. 

“Which one are you?” she asks cheekily. 

Luke just smirks. “Jury’s still out.” 

\----------------------

Rey’s face is washed, hair and teeth are brushed and she’s got on her comfiest, warmest set of pajamas. She’s sitting cross-legged on her bed, staring at the unopened letter. It sits about a foot away from her, staring back. Waiting. 

The dim lights from the ceiling fans that line the room are still on as lights out isn’t for another hour or so. She’s mostly alone in the room; Paige, Rose, Kaydel and most of the other girls are in the living room watching TV and the boys are probably out or doing God knows what in the garage with Han. 

She thinks about Luke and his stupidly accurate wisdom and how Davis and Ben _are_ so glaringly different now that she knows who Davis actually is. He seemed nice enough, polite and considerate and never outright rude to anyone, but she understands now that it was all a facade. Even if he was nice from the outside looking in, what’s festering inside of him is anything but. 

He’s mean. Cruel. 

And Ben is...well, it had been so obviously exhausting for Ben to be cruel to her in the woods the day he left. It seemed to pain him physically to force out the words he was still trying to convince himself to believe. She thinks about his face right after that, right before she kissed him, and her stomach floods with heat and longing and something not unlike agony. 

She opens the letter.

**8/14/2018**

“Is this a sex swing? If this is a sex swing, I’m going to kill you for letting me touch it _knowing_ that it’s a sex swing,” Finn is practically yelling at this point from inside the closet in the guest room of Rey and Ben’s house. She pokes her head into the room to see what on earth he’s talking about and finds him holding what is most definitely _not_ a sex swing. 

“That is a _hammock_ ,” she says with narrowed eyes. “And _you_ need to spend less time watching porn and more time outside.”

She dodges the halfway folded hammock when Finn throws it at her. 

“What are you going to do with all this junk, anyway?” Rose asks from where she sits on the guest bed. She’s surrounded by old photo albums and loose polaroids that they’ve found in various shoeboxes during this process. It keeps happening that way; they’ll get a good momentum going and it’ll start to feel like _maybe_ they can fit a baby in this room someday, and then they get derailed when they find relics of their old lives at Skywalker House and Hannah City High School. Rose has their senior yearbook propped open on her lap and she’s _truly_ not helping in the slightest, but it’s still fun to hear her commentary as she leaves through the pages. 

“Oof, Sarah Tymer. I wonder whatever happened to her. Remember when she used to burp on you all the time in Physics, Finn?” Rose asks as she snorts out a laugh.

“Do _not_ remind me.” 

Rey leaves the closet and surveys the room, trying to gauge if they’ve actually made _any_ progress. Rey's drafting table, her art supplies and Ben’s comic book collection have all been moved out to the garage, and she’s already convinced Finn to take the queen-sized bed for he and Poe’s guest room, which currently only has a twin-sized blow-up mattress. 

All in all, they’re getting somewhere, just...extremely slowly. As if to hammer home that point, Finn abandons his task of organizing the closet and joins Rose on the bed. He starts to sift through the photos that are strewn about on the comforter and then suddenly lets out a loud, happy squeal that causes both girls to jump. 

“What?” Rey asks, heart now beating a little quicker. 

“Look at this primadonna, diva, sassy _queen_ in her Homecoming dress!” Finn yells, laughing so hard to himself that he’s falling back against the pillows as he holds out the picture for them both to see. It’s a 5x7 print full of embarrassment and shame and Rey immediately groans at the sight. 

The spaghetti straps. The gauges in her ears. The fucking butterfly headband. And not to mention that toolbag Davis she went with that year. 

“God, no, it needs to be burned and the ashes buried,” Rey shouts as she reaches for it, but Finn pulls it back, holding it just out of her reach. 

Rey springs for it, knocking some of the other pictures off the bed as they wrestle. Eventually, Finn’s got the upper hand and he’s pinning her down and tickling her when someone’s cell phone starts ringing. Rey is laughing so hard that her sides hurt and she’s screaming for him to stop but neither of them can hear the other over their laughter when Rose finally shouts loud enough to get their attention. 

“Guys, shut up! It’s Han.” 

And they do, breathing hard as Finn releases her wrists and both of them sit up. 

“Sorry, these idiots are roughhousing like they’re twelve-years-old again. What’s up?” 

It’s quiet for a long moment, and then Rose’s hand goes to her mouth and Rey’s heart starts hammering in her chest. There are tight, hot knots forming in her stomach and she doesn’t know what’s happened but she can tell it’s something bad. 

Rose looks up at them with tears in her eyes and covers the mouthpiece of her phone with her hand. 

“Luke had a heart attack. He’s in the ICU.” 

\----------------------

They find Leia and Han in the waiting room of the ICU at Hanna City Memorial. Leia looks like she hasn’t slept in days and Rey knows that isn’t true because she was with her—with _them_ , just yesterday. She immediately bends down to hug her, squeezing her tight around her shoulders and letting herself cry for a few moments into Leia’s neck. Leia smooths her hair and whispers soothing words in her ear and Rey feels very small and young all of a sudden. 

She lifts her head eventually, rubbing at her running nose with her sleeve. “How is he?” 

“They’re prepping him for surgery right now. We won’t know anything for a while.” 

Despite her appearance, Leia is calm and collected. She comforts the others, giving them each long, warm hugs and patting their heads as they cry. 

Rey stands near Han with her arms folded over her chest, clinging tightly to herself. They both lean up against the wall of the waiting room looking down at their shoes. Han knocks his shoulder against Rey’s. She glances up at him and finds his eyes, sad but soft. 

“Timing is shit but. Leia told me. About the baby.” 

Rey stands up straight then. Han manages a smile that reminds her so much of Ben she’s nearly in tears again. “Can’t wait to see what kind of hell that kid’s gonna raise with you two as parents.” 

And then he’s pulling her into a one-armed hug that’s so very _Han_.

“I called in a favor with Ackbar and made sure Ben got word about Luke,” he says to her quietly. 

Rey stares at him for a moment and then nods gratefully. It’s almost unheard of for the Solos to utilize their connection with Colonel Ackbar, Snoke’s CO and the highest-ranking official in Jakku, for anything Starfighter-related. They’re old family friends and he’s been over for dinner at Skywalker House many times, but Ben has always been adamant about making his own way as a pilot, so they let him. 

The only other time Han’s called in a favor with Ackbar was on Rey’s 16th birthday when he managed to get Ben an extra phone call so they could spend an extra twenty minutes talking. 

This favor, this whole ordeal, makes that favor seem very juvenile and silly and _far_ , far away. 

Because right now, in this terrible, dreadful moment, Luke’s lying in a hospital bed in the ICU and no one can confidently say whether or not he’s going to make it through the night. 

It’s almost 1 a.m. and Luke still hasn’t come out of surgery. They’re all still at the hospital; Leia and Han are leaning into each other and Han’s eyes are drooping but he’s doing his damndest to stay awake. Rose and Finn are sprawled out over a couple of empty rows of chairs, looking spectacularly uncomfortable as they both try to sleep. Rey’s still against the wall but sitting now, her head resting on her kneecaps. 

“Rey, honey,” Leia says gently and reaches out to pat Rey’s shoulder. Rey picks up her head.

“Yeah?” 

“Go home. Take those two. They look like they’re about to fall off those chairs.” 

She looks over to them and shakes her head at the sight. “You sure? What if he—what if they get done soon?” 

“The surgery could take hours more. We have no way to know. You all might as well get some rest and come back fresh in the morning. Go to the house. It’s closer.” 

Rey’s too tired to put up a fight so she just nods and stands, stretching her arms out before walking over to Finn and Rose and shaking them both from their slumber. 

They pile into Ben’s truck and drive the fifteen minutes to Skywalker House where they’re greeted by Amilyn and Maz who both look about as tired as they all feel. 

Rey asks Finn and Rose to sleep with her in Ben’s bed because she doesn’t want to be alone. She doesn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night and remember suddenly that Luke could be dying and have to deal with that alone. They agree, and she thinks they both probably feel the same way. 

So they sleep, dressed in Ben’s old clothes, with Rey in the middle and Finn the littlest spoon. Rey does wake up in the middle of the night and remember, but she’s able to fall almost immediately back to sleep when she feels Rose’s strong, but tiny arms wrapped tight around her middle. 

\----------------------

There’s an almost-white morning light that has broken through the blinds of the window in Ben’s childhood bedroom and Rey finds herself squinting in her sleep, annoyed at the crack of daylight in the otherwise blacked-out room. She feels something suddenly that's incredibly odd and unsettling that makes her freeze in place. She’s constructing exit routes and already coming up with a list of questions that ask exactly _why_ Rose’s lips are on her neck when she hears and _feels_ a low, vibrating grumble that definitely does _not_ belong to her best friend. 

Rey reaches for the bedside lamp so fast she almost knocks it over.

She knows that grumble. 

She’s still lying down when she turns around, still wrapped up tightly in arms that she realizes now also don’t belong to Rose. What she finds makes her burst into tears on the spot, her face crumpling and her arms immediately reaching, wanting to touch and grasp every single inch she can get to.

“Hi, sweetheart,” Ben says softly, and she cries even harder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEN'S BACK BEN'S BACK BEN'S BACK BEN'S BACK


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL. 
> 
> Thank you so much for all of the amazing feedback on the last chapter. Your comments seriously make my day/night/week/life etc. I am so happy that you are all enjoying this story. It's honestly pouring out of me now and that's mostly because of you all, so thank you, thank you, thank you!
> 
>  **Big ups to Sam and Felicia for betaing this**!
> 
> A couple of things around this chapter:
> 
> *There's honestly not a ton of plot here. After writing it I realized that more than anything, it's just some (much needed) catharsis after all of the angst leading up to this point in both timelines. I hope that I've made it worth your while regardless! 
> 
> *I definitely kick it up to that E rating in this chapter. Also, heed the pregnancy kink tags. They are about to present themselves ;) 
> 
> *No one asked for this, but I am a visual aid kind of gal, so [here's](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/17/bf/42/17bf42f8055fe55cddfde0844b468320.gif) [what](https://66.media.tumblr.com/ba984a0fff2981b1a23c3ef5634f9e3a/tumblr_ov4gxvm4kl1vrqm9oo1_400.gifv) [2018 Ben](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/2e/71/71/2e7171c154820ac55f320a2d2b79132c.gif) looks like in my head when I write him. Peak Driver gorgeousness, IMO. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy and as always, come visit me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taylormaybe) <3

****

**8/15/2018**

“Oh my god,” is all Rey can muster before she’s pushing into him with force, clinging desperately and leaving no space between them as she sobs into his neck. 

Ben smoothes over her hair with his palm. “ _Shhh_ , it’s okay, baby. I’m here. I’m right here.” 

Rey coughs a little, the gasps and sobs hitching in her throat as she finally pulls back to look at him. Her face is completely wrecked; red, splotchy cheeks and sleepy eyes, but Ben doesn’t care. He’s staring at her like she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. 

“How?” she manages, voice raspy and broken.

He gives her an easy smile. “Dad called Colonel Ackbar and told him about Luke. He didn’t ask for anything except for them to at least _tell me_ but,” he rubs his warm, calloused palm up and down her arm. “They let me come home anyway. 48 hours. Just—just in case.” 

It slowly dawns on her as he trails off that Luke’s condition may be more serious than Leia and Han were letting on last night and that Ben’s here because there’s a good chance that he might have to say goodbye to his uncle before he goes back. Her heart hurts at the thought, and she feels a wave of guilt run through her core at how happy she is to see Ben given the circumstances.

Rey just nods. “Thank God for family favors.” 

“Yeah,” he says softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Her eyes close and she breathes him in, taking him deep into her lungs and letting the wave of calm rush over her that’s always associated with his presence. The thought of getting him back now only to lose him again in 48 hours seems impossible, but if she’s learned anything from her Milspouse groups on Facebook, it’s that she has to accept these moments for all that they are instead of despairing over what they can’t be. 

Ben’s not home for good, but he’s home now. He’s here, in her arms, and he’s _everything_. 

It almost looks like he’s glowing in the early light. His hair is longer than even the last time she saw him on Skype and his facial hair looks slightly unkempt. There’s a golden quality to his skin now after weeks of being out in the sun and she absently worries that he’s getting too much of it and not taking enough care to put on the globs of SPF his fair skin requires. 

“You’re staring.” 

Rey looks up and finds him smiling and can’t help the blush as it spreads on her cheeks. 

“Can’t help it.” 

His grin widens as he leans forward and kisses her, and it’s like everything just _stops_. She melts into him as his hand finds her cheek and tilts her head back to give himself easier access. 

They both start breathing harder when his tongue slides against her bottom lip and Rey lets him in without hesitation, wrapping one of her legs around his and pushing their pelvises closer together. He flips them and grinds into her in response, soliciting a moan from his throat that lands inside her mouth. She’s completely lost in him, just like she always is when they come together like this, and she’s reaching down to yank his pajama pants down when his hand reaches to catch hers. 

She lets out a little whimper and Ben chuckles, his forehead landing on hers. 

“I want to, Rey. You know I do,” his hand finds her cheek again and she leans into his palm. “But the kids are here and I don’t really want Maz to break down the door and start lecturing us about violating innocent ears.” 

Rey laughs because Maz would _absolutely_ do that, and then nods in concession. Ben stares at her for a few more moments and then pushes some of her hair behind her ear. When he speaks again, his voice is low, almost a whisper. 

“I want to make love to you in _our_ bed. In our home.” 

Rey can’t argue with that. She doesn’t even want to. 

\-------------------------------------

They find a scribbled out note on the kitchen table that says _SURPRISE!_ in bold letters and then ‘ _we’re heading back to the hospital but u 2 take ur time’_. Rey smiles and crumples the piece of paper in her palm and sits down as Ben pulls out his phone. 

He calls Leia and Rey can hear her happy cries on the other end of the phone. It makes her heart seize with joy, despite everything. 

Ben’s smiling as he talks. “We’re good here, just getting ready to head out. How is he?” 

A moment passes as he listens, face neutral.

“Okay. Yeah, we’ll probably head home for a bit. Change, shower, all that,” he says as he finds Rey’s eyes and winks suggestively at her. She can’t even _attempt_ to stop the grin that spreads on her face.

“We’ll see you up there. Let me know if anything changes.” 

Another moment. 

“Love you too, mom. Tell dad for me, too.” 

He hangs up and slides the phone into his back pocket. “He’s out of surgery but he’s still asleep. They said he did well through the night but it could be a while before he wakes up. So, we wait.” 

Rey nods, making her way over to the kitchen counter he’s leaning against. She’s flush against him with the post-it still crumbled in her palm and he’s looking at her through his long lashes, studying her face with a smile in his eyes that doesn’t quite reach his mouth. It’s a look she knows well; one that always has a tendency to make her knees go weak. 

She blinks lazily at him, biting her lip. “Let’s go home.” 

Ben just nods. 

\-------------------------------------

The truck door creaks shut and Ben slings his duffel over his shoulder with minimal effort. Rey’s got her face buried in her phone because despite all of Ben’s protests, she _does_ think that WebMD can sometimes provide good insight into things like _What to Expect After Heart Surgery_ or _18 Heart-Friendly Foods You Should Be Eating._

He just rolls his eyes as she starts listing them out, and she’s not even looking as he holds the door open for her and she steps through the threshold of their house, finding her way to the kitchen counter by muscle memory alone. 

She’s halfway down the list and telling him about the wonders of Fish Oil when he interrupts. 

“Uh, babe?” his voice is cracking oddly and her eyes lift at the sound. 

And then her gut starts to sink down to her toes when she realizes far too late that the mess she’d made with Rose and Finn in the guest room has spilled out into the living room, too. Ben must have followed the trail of empty shoeboxes and yearbooks into the room itself, where he’s now standing in front of one of the walls with his mouth hanging wide open. 

She follows after him and when her eyes find what he’s staring at, she wishes more than anything that she could rewind this moment and not be so goddamn careless. 

Because Ben shouldn’t have to find out she’s pregnant from a post-it that’s taped to the wall of their guest room that says, in Finn’s chicken-scratch handwriting: **_BABY HERE???_ **with a downward-pointing arrow signaling where they theorized a crib could sit. 

He’s turning around to look at her now and his face is a war of emotions. He looks scared and excited and confused all at once and she’s sort of paralyzed where she stands, waiting for him to land on something. He lets out a breath and runs his hand over his face before his eyes find hers again. 

“Are you pregnant?” Ben’s voice is thick and watery. 

Rey just nods because _her_ voice seems to have escaped her entirely. 

“Really?” he asks, his face transforming quickly into something so joyful that tears start forming in Rey’s eyes, and they’re already starting to fall as she nods again. Then he’s moving toward her quickly, lifting her up and crashing his body into hers as she wraps her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. 

He’s kissing her all over, and he’s crying, too, just like she knew he would.

“Oh my god, Rey,” he says through tears and watery laughs, all the while leaving no inch of her unkissed. 

Finally, she finds the words. “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this, I just—well, Finn and Rose were over here yesterday and we were doing all of this,” she gestures around the room with her finger. “When we found out about Luke. Didn’t exactly take a moment to clean up.” 

Ben huffs happily. “How long have you known?” 

“Got the official results from my gyno two days ago. She says I’m about three months along.” 

He’s still crying as he pulls her close to him, sniffling and continuously letting out happy little laughs of disbelief. Rey’s legs tighten around his waist as he hugs her.

“Holy shit, babe.” 

She leans back to look at him. “Yeah.” 

“We’re gonna have a baby?” 

Rey laughs. “Yeah.”

“We’re gonna have a baby,” it’s more of a statement this time but Rey’s nodding anyway, and then he’s backing them up against the wall where the post-it note still hangs and pressing his lips to hers. 

The kiss is charged with so many emotions that Rey feels lightheaded as his lips work over hers, his tongue finding its way into her mouth quickly. They’re melting into each other against the wall and they’re both still crying but they’re also laughing, so sublimely happy despite all the worry and terror that surrounds them outside of this room. 

Ben’s carrying her out of the guest room then, his mouth firmly slotted on hers the whole way to their bedroom. He’s got the door open and is walking her to the bed—which she thankfully made up before inviting Finn and Rose over the night before—and depositing her gently atop their comforter. 

He doesn’t let up or slow down; he’s crawling over her body and leaving a trail of kisses on her as he goes, his hand pushing up the worn material of the old t-shirt of his that she slept in. Rey sits up a little so he can pull it over her head and when he sees her bare chest for the first time since he left Chandrila, he looks like a man possessed. Immediately, he’s on her, pulling her legs tighter around his waist as he sucks an entire nipple into his mouth. His tongue is swiping back and forth and Rey’s back is bowing against the mattress as he works because holy _shit,_ she’s missed his fucking mouth. 

The same treatment is given to the other breast as he kneads the one that’s not occupying his mouth, the now-wet nipple being pinched and rolled between his deft fingers. Rey’s letting out all kinds of mindless moans as she writhes under him, the heat pooling in her stomach only getting hotter and leaving her underwear undoubtedly soaked. 

Ben makes quick work of their pajama pants, kicking both hers and his aside and leaving only his grey t-shirt and black briefs to separate them. She yanks it off of him impatiently, attempting to do the same to his briefs with her heels but failing. He’s laughing as he assists, the black material falling to his ankles, then he’s covering her entirely with his broad chest, propping his elbows up on either side of her head. 

They stare at each other, taking a moment to truly see each other as they lay like this, in their bed, in their house, with their _baby_ growing in Rey’s belly. 

“I love you,” Ben whispers. He’s so gentle with her as he cards his fingers through her messy hair that she aches from within, her gut and her cunt both clenching for him, yearning simultaneously for what they truly desire. Her eyes shut for a blissful second before finding his and seeing everything she’s ever wanted in the look he’s giving her. She loves him so much. 

“Make love to me, Ben,” she whispers back.

And he _does_. God, he does. The way Ben moves—how he sounds; it’s slow and sweet and so raw that Rey can hardly stand it. Her breath hitches in her throat when he slides into her for the first time and she swears that her bones have gone soft because she can’t hold herself upright, can’t keep her eyes from rolling back as he breathes hot and heavy in her ear, both of them sighing loudly when they’re finally completely joined. 

But he’s got her, because he always has her, and he keeps her steady and tight against his chest as he pulls himself all the way out of her only to slide slowly back in to the hilt.

“Fuck, you feel good. I missed you so much,” he says roughly before pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses to her jaw and neck. 

Rey’s so wet that he’s sliding in and out with zero resistance, evidenced by the insane sensation and the obscene squelching sound that follows each time. 

“ _Ben,”_ she moans and then he’s there, swallowing his name when he opens his mouth wide over hers to kiss her roughly, his tongue swiping against hers as they both breathe heavily through their noses. The sounds they’re making are rough and broken and beautiful and when he starts to fuck her in earnest, Rey feels like she may actually scream. 

“Oh my god— _oh my god_ , Ben,” she utters when he hits a spot inside of her that makes her clench around him, so tight that his breath stutters and he has to stop for a brief second, his head falling into the crook of her shoulder. 

“ _Baby_ ,” he wheezes, pushing his forehead further into her neck. “Fuck, I missed your cunt — how it feels around my cock —it’s _unbelievable_.” 

He’s always known how to talk to her, what filthy things to say to get her keyed up and dripping for him, and it’s clear that he has not lost his touch. Not in the slightest. 

“What does it feel like?” she asks, feigning ignorance. He’s told her hundreds of times, but it never ceases to turn her on. 

Ben lifts his head and finds her eyes. He’s got one arm wrapped up in one of her legs that he’s driving upward so he can hit her deeper, and he smiles when he pounds into her with force and causes her jaw to drop and a loud, guttural moan to sound in her throat. 

“It feels like home.” 

He’s never said _that_ , and Rey just nods because she can’t really muster up anything else, not when those words have lodged in her throat and tears are once again shining in her eyes. He’s slamming his hips into hers now and she can feel herself getting closer each time he pushes in as far as he can go, and suddenly Ben’s pulling her up by her arms, backing himself and her up to the headboard and sitting her on his lap, never once pulling himself out of her. 

“I can see you better this way,” he explains as he lifts his hips and presses deeper inside. Rey’s head falls back and her back arches at the feel of him from this new angle. Ben’s holding her around her waist, keeping her secure against him as they start to move together. 

She’s closing in on what’s sure to be an orgasm that she’ll feel echoes of for _days_. He’s always been able to do that to her; the pleasure he gives so raw and overwhelming that it’s almost painful. Ben’s close too, she can tell, because his upward thrusts are becoming more erratic and his breaths are coming out in small, uneven huffs. 

They stare at each other as they move together in silence, the only sounds in the room their breaths and the slapping of their skin as they rock against each other. 

“I can’t wait to see you when you get big,” he says in a half-whisper, one of his arms moving from her waist so he can palm her stomach, the planes of it still flat and toned. He sweeps his big hand over the expanse of it, staring at it with awe. “I can’t wait to see this, all round and stretched.” 

“Yeah?” she asks, breathlessly. She hasn’t given it much thought, but the idea of Ben being turned on by her big, pregnant belly does something to her that makes her cunt throb again, causing him to cry out. 

“Fuck— _fuck_ yes. You’re gonna be so big and so full of me. Full of our baby, Rey.” 

Rey’s nodding so she doesn’t have to articulate the thousands of thoughts that rush through her head as she bounces relentlessly on his cock. They’re both so close, the talk of the baby and her belly pushing them both exponentially closer to the edge and when Ben’s fingers move from her stomach to her clit, she knows she’s a goner. 

“Come for me, baby. Come on my cock.”

The feeling of her orgasm crashing through her as she clenches around him tighter than she ever has before is absolutely otherworldly. She’s transported temporarily into a space where there’s nothing but them; they’re surrounded by all this joy and raw, unfiltered love and Rey can’t see past this moment. Ben follows her seconds later and he’s gripping her hips tight enough to bruise as he slams into her one final time, his mouth slack at her jaw as he groans, loud and rough. He fills her up and it’s so hot and wet that she almost comes again just from the feel of being so _full_ of him. 

They collapse into each other with Ben’s back falling further into the headboard, both of them breathing hard as they start to come down. Rey’s mind is still reeling, unsure how it’s even possible for someone to feel as good as Ben makes her feel. She’s boneless and satisfied as she slumps against him, his fingers running absently through her sweaty hair. 

“That was…” she manages, but can’t quite figure out how to put words to it. 

“I know,” Ben says, and Rey feels relieved that she doesn’t have to try. 

They separate after a few long moments of just breathing together and Rey runs out to the kitchen to get her phone. She’s back in bed with him when she unlocks it, a slew of missed calls and text messages stacking up in her notifications. 

One, in particular, makes her entire body sag with relief and a stupid, joyful smile forms on her lips.

She turns to look at Ben, who’s staring at her curiously.

“Luke’s awake.” 

**NOVEMBER 2005**

It’s been a little over a week since Rey read Ben’s letter for the first time. Since then, she’s read it so many times that it’s starting to curl a little at the corners and she finds herself trying to flatten it out with heavy textbooks so it will keep its shape. 

She’s tried to start writing him back dozens of times since then, but every time her pencil hits a blank sheet in her notepad, no words come. There are a million things she wants to say to Ben, ranging from as angry as ‘Who the fuck do you think you are?’ to as mushy as ‘You had my forgiveness from the very first sentence’, or something dramatic like that. 

But nothing seems to suffice when it comes to what she’ll actually send to him. The first words from her that he’ll read since their fight. It feels too important to treat lightly, but right now, she’s not treating it at all. She’s got the worst case of writer’s block since she had to do a book report on _The Grapes of Wrath_ and cried into the pages out of sheer, utter boredom. 

(Ben helped her through that one. It was one of his favorites. She never let him live it down, harping on him for liking it as much as he did when it had bored her to literal tears. But, she also got an A on that book report and kissed him on the cheek when she presented him with the grade.) 

Leia’s left her alone for the most part, as promised. Rey’s still not okay with the idea of being nice to her, but she also hasn’t gone out of her way to be a total bitch to her, either. She even managed a curt little nod in Leia’s direction when she’d gotten home from school, which is massive progress in Rey’s book. 

Rey’s still staring at the blank notepad when she hears Han’s clunky work boots enter the girl’s room. Rose and Kaydel are working on a project together for Chemistry downstairs and the littler kids are all outside playing, so Rey’s alone with the empty page that seems to taunt her with its... _nothingness_. 

She glances up and finds him with his arms folded over his chest, looking gruff as ever.

“Hello,” she says, tilting her head curiously. 

“Hi.” 

Rey waits a moment and then raises her brows. “Is there something I can help you with?” 

Han shakes his head and then moves to sit at the edge of Rey’s bed, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. He looks like it’s literally paining him to get words out. 

She knows the feeling.

“You know, kid,” he starts, using his hands in a sort of shrugging motion before stopping and seeming to consider his next words carefully. He looks at Rey then, slapping his hands onto the tops of his thighs. “You are mighty stubborn. It’s something I like about ya.” 

Rey is genuinely puzzled by this interaction. “Thanks?” 

Han just nods. “Mhmm. Yeah. But listen, stubbornness—it only gets you so far in life. Trust me, I know better than anyone.”

It feels like this is gearing up to be a lecture of some sort and Rey can already feel her defenses starting to rise, preparing to deflect whatever it is he’s about to _suggest_. She thinks it must be about Leia since Luke did such a piss-poor job on his end trying to smooth things over between the two of them. 

But she’s wrong. 

“Look, I’m just gonna cut to the chase here. Ben calls us every Tuesday at six. You uh, you heard it the other day in the kitchen,” he gestures in the direction of the kitchen where she’d nearly lost her lunch when she realized that he was on the other end of the phone line. “If you hadn’t noticed, _today_ is Tuesday and it’s just about six o’clock.” 

Rey’s still confused, and her face must show it because Han huffs, clearly exasperated by this whole ordeal. 

“Leia wants to give you two some time to talk. If you want it.” 

That is definitely not what she was expecting. She can feel a bundle of nerves start to take root in her belly as she looks at Han. It feels much too good to be true and Rey’s not actually convinced that she’s hearing him right. Leia’s track record has been so marked up in red and black marks of shitiness that Rey can’t possibly imagine a scenario where she’s giving her something as precious as this. 

“The weekly call that you get with him. The _only_ time you get to talk to him all week. She wants to give it to me?”

Han just stares at her. “Seems so.”

She mulls it over silently as Han stands, preparing to leave. Rey’s honestly dumbfounded, too nervous to question him on the legitimacy of the offer. He must be able to sense her indecision and the confusion is probably plastered all over her face. He sighs when he stops in the doorway, leaning one hand against it. 

“Take it or don’t, it’s up to you. We haven’t told him anything. But make up your mind quick,” he warns, tapping his wristwatch before walking downstairs. 

She looks at her own watch. It reads 5:41 p.m., so she has nineteen minutes to figure out if she wants to hear Ben’s voice while simultaneously accepting a gift from Leia, which feels a little like vinegar being poured down her throat. 

Rey decides to read the letter again, and by the time she’s done and her eyes are scanning over the _Yours always_ part, she’s made her decision. 

It’s 5:58 when she walks into the kitchen to find Leia, Han and Luke all sitting around the table. Their conversation quiets when she steps into the room and walks over to the corded phone that hangs on the wall near the fridge. They don’t say anything and neither does she. 

Her heart is beating so loud that she swears she can see her chest actually moving and when the phone rings at exactly 6:00, Rey looks at it and swallows hard. 

On the third ring, she reaches for it, taking a deep breath before putting it to her ear. She sneaks a glance out of the corner of her eye and sees the three of them all staring at her, but it doesn’t matter anymore. 

“Hello?”

She hears a sharp intake of breath on the other end, and then it’s quiet for a few moments. 

Then, it’s Ben’s voice, surprised and thick and everything she’s wanted to hear for months. 

“Rey?” 

\-------------------------------------

After that, Leia lets Ben and Rey talk every other week, and even when it’s not technically her week, Han still ushers her downstairs to say hi to him before they hang up. 

Things are still not good, she’s not sure if they ever really will be, but they are better. 

Ben and Rey talk about everything. She takes the cordless phone out onto the balcony and sits with her legs spread out on their bench, a stupid grin on her face as he tells her about the Academy and how hard PT is there compared to home and how much he hates waking up at 4 a.m. every day.

When he tells her how much he misses her, Rey wants to cry. She doesn’t say it back; it hurts too much to put words to how she feels. She still hasn’t been able to write it, either. 

“I know I hurt you, Rey,” Ben says on the third Tuesday that they talk. His voice is quiet and it’s the first time they’ve actually addressed the rift between them head-on. 

They’ve spent so much time up to this point just catching up, so genuinely curious about each other’s lives. And anyway, it’s much easier to talk about the quality of pizza they have at the Academy than it is to talk about the gaping hole Ben left in Rey’s heart three months ago. 

She stays quiet, so he presses on. “I know I hurt you and I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I—” 

“Ben,” she tries to interject, not quite knowing how she’ll finish that sentence, but he stops her before she has a chance to try.

“No, Rey, I mean it. I was such a dick to you. I’m so fucking sorry.” 

Rey’s quiet again, staring blankly at where the night fades from blue into black. 

Then, like a dam breaking, she feels it flow into her, her nerve endings alight as the words finally form and tumble out of her mouth. 

“I forgive you, Ben. I forgave you the second I finished reading your letter.” 

“You did?” his voice is soft, like he doesn’t want to push her too hard in any direction by asking. 

“Yeah.” 

Ben doesn’t respond right away and they sit in silence together, their breathing the only sounds passing through the receiver. 

Finally, he lets out a heavy breath and then: “Thank you. I don’t know why you did, but thank you.” 

She almost laughs but stops herself. It’s _such_ a Ben thing to say. 

“I did because I love you, you idiot.” 

And then he’s laughing and maybe even crying, too, and Rey’s smiling so big that her cheeks hurt. 

“I love you too, Rey,” he replies, a little breathless. “I love you so much.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you haven't figured it out already, ben calling rey _baby_ is my love language


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so, so, much to everyone that is reading, commenting, sending me sweet notes on tumblr, and leaving kudos on this fic. It's such an amazing feeling to know how much you love and care about the story I'm telling. I can't wait to keep sharing it with you. 
> 
> Major thanks to Felicia and Sam for being awesome betas and talking things out with me at all hours of the night! 
> 
> My only note here is that I did up the chapter count again. Blame it on B & R being horny and me not having the heart to deny them. 
> 
> Come visit me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/taylormaybe) and let me know what you think. <3

**8/15/2018**

They hold hands the whole way to the hospital and Rey’s thumb rubs soft circles over Ben’s knuckles. The truck hums contentedly as it rolls down the highway, seemingly as happy as they are that they’re together. 

Luke’s sitting up and talking animatedly when they arrive. Ben greets both Han and Leia with long, tight hugs, and Leia’s crying when she pulls away from him. 

Rey’s at Luke’s bedside as quickly as she can get there. She plops down into the plastic chair that’s all hard edges and gives him a steely glare. 

His eyebrows shoot up. “I’m fine, thank you for asking.” 

Rey folds her arms over her chest, gaze locked on him as the Solos continue to visit behind her, unaware of the stare-down happening. She squares her jaw and then crooks an eyebrow. 

“I told—” she starts, but then suddenly gets so frustrated that she has to pause and take a deep breath. Her fists ball up and she looks away from Luke for a moment to gather her thoughts. After a beat, she turns back to him, her nostrils flaring. 

“I _told you_ to stop eating all that goddamn fried chicken!” 

The conversation behind them immediately screeches to halt. 

Luke looks a little dumbfounded, his jaw hanging slack as he stares at her. “Rey—” 

“No, Luke, I mean it! I’ve been telling you for _years_ that you need to stop eating shit like that and drinking all those goddamn pints of Guinness and _never_ exercising.” 

“Well, I—”

“Don’t you get it? You can’t _die_ , Luke! You can’t die. If you aren’t around when the baby—” Rey cuts herself off again, the thought alone enough to give her pause. Luke’s shoulders go suddenly tense and it’s too much to process; she thinks maybe this is what pregnancy brain must feel like because she wants to scream at him and hug him and slap him in his face all at the same time. After a few moments, she lands on: “You just can’t die. Okay?” 

Rey can see Ben, Han, and Leia out of the corner of her eye. They’re all staring at her, silently letting the tension between Luke and Rey unfold. 

Luke takes a breath and waits a moment, looking at her as if he’s gauging her face to see if it’s safe to talk. When he deems it must be, his voice is soft.

“I’m sorry I scared you, Rey. Really. But I’m okay. The doctors say I should be out of here in a few days, tops,” he tells her as he reaches out a hand, beckoning her to hold it. 

Rey stares at it for a second and then leans forward, taking it and letting her face finally crumple the way it’s wanted to since she walked into the room. 

Luke pets her hair as she holds his hand tightly in hers and cries quietly, angry with him and relieved and terrified all at once. 

Suddenly, she bursts up, sniffling with her splotchy face full of newfound conviction. “And I _know_ you’re still sneaking American Spirits on the balcony. Don’t even _try_ to tell me you aren’t—I’ve got the nose of a bloodhound and you _know_ it.” 

Luke’s head falls back onto the bed with his face in his hands as he sighs defeatedly. When he lowers them, he’s smiling at her and shaking his head. “You are a _menace._ ” 

The others start to make their way over to Luke’s bedside, Ben walking over to stand behind Rey and placing a heavy, comforting hand on her shoulder. She reaches for it with her own and grips it tightly, thankful beyond belief that he’s at her side. 

“Hi, nephew,” Luke says, smiling widely at Ben. Rey feels slightly guilty for getting to Luke before Ben could, but not guilty enough to feel bad about giving him the shit he deserves after _years_ of lecturing him to take better care of himself. 

“Hey, Uncle Luke. Glad to see you’re still alive,” he chides, lightly squeezing Rey’s shoulder.

“Same to you,” Luke nods and then peeks at Rey, tilting his head. “You tell him about _Unc_ yet?” 

It’s Rey’s turn to let out an exasperated sigh as she leans back in her chair and tilts her chin up to look at Ben. He already towers over her when she’s at full height, so when she’s sitting down she has to crane her neck almost all the way back just to make eye contact with him. 

“It appears that your family has no interest in letting our child utilize traditional nomenclatures such as,” she gestures to Leia, “ _grandma_ , or,” and then to Luke, “ _uncle_.” 

Ben looks amused. “And you?” he asks Han, who’s leaning against the wall near the bathroom with his arms folded over his chest. When they all turn to look at him, he shakes his head. 

“Don’t bring me into this. Kid’s gonna call me _Han_ and _only_ Han.” 

\-------------------------------------

They leave the hospital around 8 p.m. and it’s still a bit light out as they walk back to the truck, hand-in-hand. The sun is just beyond the horizon and the crickets are starting to chirp and it smells like the end of summer, like wet grass and charcoal grills. Rey breathes in deeply and smiles, an unmistakably happy sigh escaping her mouth when she exhales.

Ben turns to look at her as he opens the passenger door. She’s a mess; hair in her signature, effortless (literally) top bun, wearing a pair of holey black jeans and a Starfighter t-shirt that’s about two sizes too big, but he’s looking at her like she’s dressed to the nines. 

“So beautiful,” he says softly, leaning down to kiss her. 

“ _Pfft_ ,” she exclaims before kissing him back with a smile on her lips. “You’ve got deployment goggles on. I look like a bridge troll.” 

  
Ben rolls his eyes, then proceeds to smack her bottom as she jumps into the truck and Rey squeals with delight.

\------------------------------------- 

Rey hasn’t gone grocery shopping in _weeks_ and Ben is giving her shit about it as she sits on the counter closest to the fridge, legs dangling back and forth. 

She’s in the middle of defending her point that takeout _is, in fact,_ a perfectly acceptable form of nourishment and he’s not having it. 

“Babies need vitamins, Rey,” he cuts her off. “And good protein. And Omega-3s.” 

He’s mostly just grumbling now, looking around in the fridge and shaking his head when all he finds is a to-go box from the Italian restaurant down the street and a half-empty carton of oat milk. He turns to look at her, his arms still hanging on the fridge door. 

“We’re going to the store tomorrow.” 

She wants to argue. She really does. But Ben’s looking at her with his brows furrowed and his eyes keep flitting down to her tummy and she can’t help but feel a little guilty. It hasn’t been very long since she found out, but she definitely has not made _any_ improvements to her diet, so she just nods, looking down at her blue-painted toenails as her heels swing into the cabinets.

Somehow, because he’s Ben and he’s good at literally _everything_ , he pulls together some random items from their pantry and a block of parmesan that’s quality is questionable at this point and manages to create some sort of pasta masterpiece that’s got Rey’s mouth-watering as she watches him work. 

He looks good in the kitchen—always has. He’s got a dish towel hanging over his shoulder and he does little spins when he turns to get different spices and utensils. He looks comfortable in his house shoes and a soft-looking navy t-shirt that hangs perfectly over his big shoulders. 

He’s home. _Ben’s home_. 

They eat at the coffee table, Rey close enough to touch him on the couch as she moans in ecstasy over how delicious the pasta is. It’s lemony and garlicky and cheesy and she’s pretty certain by the time she finishes it that he’s a magician. How he turned a block of stinky cheese and their nearly-barren pantry into this delectable meal, she will never know.

They’re leaned back against the couch watching Shark Tank as their food settles and Ben’s got his arm wrapped tightly around Rey with her head resting against his neck. 

It’s perfect; she can feel his heart thumping in his chest and hear the sound of the dishwasher running and see the dirty plates on the table and it’s all just perfect because he’s _here_ and they’re _home_ and they’re _together_.

Someone’s pitching some sort of cream-cheese-stuffed-bagel thing that would normally have Rey’s full attention but right now, she’s got other things in mind as she looks up at Ben, biting her bottom lip. It takes him a second but then he’s tilting his head down to meet her gaze, already catching up with her without a single word exchanged between them. 

Rey slinks down the couch then, falling to her knees on the shaggy white rug that covers most of their living room floor. Ben’s quiet as he watches her move, her tiny fingers making quick work of his sweatpants. He lifts his hips when she tugs at the waistband and slides them gently down to his ankles. 

She looks up at him and finds him breathing hard, eyes hooded as he stares at her. Rey kisses his bare knee and then peppers a few more into his skin as she makes her way up his thigh. When she reaches his briefs, she finds them tented and immediately closes her mouth over the stretched fabric. 

“Fuck,” Ben hisses, hips jerking slightly upward. 

They don’t have all the time in the world and it’s been _far_ too long since Rey’s sucked Ben’s dick, so she doesn’t make either of them wait for what they want. She’s pulling Ben’s underwear down and sliding them over his knees to meet his pants and then she’s diving in, licking a long stripe all the way up the underside of his cock, holding it gently with one hand while the other rests against his hip bone. 

Ben’s letting out little puffs of air and grunts as she continues to lick stripes up his penis and when she finally takes the leaking tip in her mouth, his head falls back against the couch and he lets out a rough, shaky breath. 

“ _Rey,”_ he moans, his hips lifting slightly and shoving his cock further into her mouth. 

She plunges down, breathing through her nose as she takes nearly all of him on the first go. 

They’ve been together for over ten years. They’ve studied each other’s bodies like books that neither of them can put down. Like books that they always want to reread, finding new things they love each time they dive back in.

Consequently, Ben’s cock is a subject on which Rey is _very_ well-read. 

It took years and years of practice, but she can take him easily now if she breathes slowly and steadily enough while relaxing her throat. It’s all mental, really, and any discomfort that might come with it is trivial compared to how wet it gets her when Ben nearly chokes as her lips graze his pubic bone. 

Then she starts bobbing her head up and down with her lips pulled over her teeth, her hot tongue and his precome making him slick enough that he slides down her throat easily. 

“Baby, your _mouth_. I can’t fucking brea—” he attempts but is promptly cut off by his own groan when she hollows out her cheeks and sucks hard at the base of his cock before sliding all the way up and releasing him with a pop. 

She’s fisting his dick gently as she stares at him through her lashes. His jaw tightens when he meets her gaze and it sets her entire body aflame, the intense pleasure she’s giving him written all over his face. Her already damp underwear seems to soak as his eyes burn into hers and his hips push up softly into her hand. 

“What do you want, Ben?” she asks, knowing the answer but wanting to hear him say it. 

His eyes are hooded and his pouty red lips are parted, and when he darts his tongue out to wet them, she nearly moans. 

“Tell me what you want,” she asks again. 

He sucks in a breath, swallowing hard before speaking. “I want to fuck your mouth.” 

Rey nods slowly, leaning her head back down into his lap. 

“And I…” she starts, pushing an open-mouthed kiss to his cock. “Want to give you…” another kiss, this time at the tip. “Everything you want.” 

“Fuck, Rey,” Ben breathes.

Then she’s swallowing him again, holding herself about halfway down as she loosens her lips and stills her movements, giving him a little pinch on his hip bone so he knows she’s ready. 

His first thrust is gentle and slow, but he still sighs loudly as his hands immediately find her head. He keeps her still with his fingers secured in her hair while rubbing soft, soothing patterns into her scalp as he slowly starts to thrust back and forth into her waiting mouth. 

He’s a mess above her, the sounds coming out of his mouth too much to ignore and Rey can’t help herself; she moves to quickly unbutton her jeans before shoving a hand into her underwear, groaning against his cock when she brushes her clit.

Ben’s quiet for a second, and then: “Baby, are you touching yourself?” he asks roughly, and when she blinks up at him she sees him lifting his head to get a better view. 

Rey nods and hums in agreement, the vibrations from her lips hitting his dick. He moans, pushing into her mouth faster, rougher. 

“Are you wet from sucking me off?” he asks, his voice starting to break. She nods again, moaning in response as she manages to push two fingers inside her cunt. She’s warm and wet and so turned on she can barely think, and her eyes roll back in her head at all the sensations. She hears him gasp. “Fuck, Rey. You’re so beautiful like this.” 

Rey can tell he’s getting close when his thrusts become more shallow, his grip on her head tightening as he lifts his hips higher off the couch, gasping and moaning as he nears his edge. “I’m close. I’m so close,” he grunts. 

Rey pulls out the fingers that are deep inside of her and presses them immediately to his lips and he doesn’t even blink before sucking them into his mouth with a groan. Then he’s coming, hard and heavy, filling her mouth as she swallows down every last drop.

He’s breathing hard when she pulls off of him and he’s looking at her like he can’t possibly look anywhere else. 

“You’re amazing,” he says breathily, completely blissed out as he slumps into the couch. She’s got a cheeky smile on her face as she finds her place beside him again, sighing happily into his chest. 

It only takes him about three minutes to recover before he’s pushing her down onto the couch and making her scream as she comes on his tongue. 

\-------------------------------------

Their last and only full day together consists of visiting Luke again in the hospital, having lunch with Han and Leia, a slew of impromptu makeout sessions in the truck and on the couch (and possibly even in the bathroom of the restaurant), and an extensive grocery shopping trip where Ben insists on buying her salmon that’s already marinated and has very clear, easy directions on the packaging along with more bags of frozen vegetables than Rey’s ever seen in her life. 

When they get home he directs her on how to put together a simple, healthy meal made up of a bag of frozen broccoli that steams itself in the microwave and a couple of the salmon filets that she ‘ _literally just has to toss into the oven_ ’. 

It’s delicious, of course, and she gives him a stubborn half-smile when he raises his eyebrows at her clean plate. “Yeah, yeah. Gloating doesn’t look good on you, Solo.” 

Ben laughs. “Being _wrong_ looks fantastic on you, _Mrs._ Solo.”

Rey rolls her eyes and throws a balled-up paper towel at him. 

They spend a couple of hours in the guest bedroom, laying atop the bedspread and imagining how they can transform the room into a nursery. It’s bliss, really, being in his arms as he cards his fingers through her hair and presses soft kisses to her forehead while they talk about their baby. Ben’s hand seems to always find its way to Rey’s belly now; he’s got her shirt lifted up to just below her breasts and he’s rubbing circles on her skin, his hand able to almost reach each end of her waist. 

Eventually, his touches become less gentle and more deliberate. The two of them are breathing hard as he scrapes her skin with his short nails and pushes his hand closer to her breasts and mound each time he makes a new circle. After a few long moments of this, Ben rolls Rey over and pulls her pants down, sliding into her without preamble and finding her hot and wet. His head falls to her shoulder and he lets out a guttural moan. 

It’s not soft or slow like it was last night or when they first got home yesterday, but there’s still so much love in it. 

There’s love when he slams into her roughly and she’s crying out at the sensation, and when he lifts her up with his hand over her throat and pulls her back flush against his chest so he can pant hotly in her ear, her cunt gushing and clenching around him.

“You miss my cock when I’m gone, huh, baby?” he asks as he pounds relentlessly into her. His voice in her ear is rough, broken and so fucking hot that Rey swears her knees almost buckle. 

Rey nods, but she knows from experience that he’s not gonna settle for that. 

“Say it,” he commands.

She moans when his index finger finds her clit, the other hand tightening around her throat as he rubs slow circles over the bud. 

“ _Say it_ , Rey.” 

“I miss it, Ben,” she breathes out, her voice almost gone. “I miss it inside of me so fucking much.” 

Ben’s groaning against her neck as he starts to speed up his efforts on her clit and then Rey’s crashing, hard and fast as her cunt goes _impossibly_ tight around him. He follows immediately, his legs almost giving out as he floods her insides with his come, gasping for air above her. 

They shower together after. It’s almost eleven by the time they’ve cleaned up and brushed their teeth. A car has already been arranged to pick him up at six a.m. and will take him straight to the tarmac where his plane waits, so she won’t be able to see him off. Rey’s stomach is already tight with nerves at the thought of him leaving so soon. 

Home isn’t home without Ben. 

Ben _is_ home. He has been for almost her entire life. 

He can sense her wariness as he climbs into bed beside her, pulling the covers up over both of them as he pulls her into his chest. They stare at each other for a minute, over a decade of friendship and love and undying devotion living between them and Rey’s eyes are starting to cloud with tears. 

Ben just holds her. He holds her and strokes her hair and they fall asleep like that, Rey’s tears drying on her cheeks and her limbs tangled up with his. He never lets her go. 

It’s still dark out when Ben wakes up and Rey, who has always been a light sleeper, feels him shift against her. He’s sitting up then, swinging his feet over the mattress.

The only sounds to be heard are his deep, slow breaths. The sun is probably just starting to kiss the horizon and coat the world in a sheen of grey, so when Rey glances over at him she can just make out his shape in the darkness of their bedroom. His shoulders look tense and his head is hung; his elbows rest on his knees. 

Slowly, she sits up and moves over to him, crawling gently on her knees until her chest is flush against his back. Rey wraps her arms around his shoulders as he picks up his head, a heavy exhale escaping his lungs when he feels her touch. 

She can almost _hear_ the rush of his thoughts, so she presses a soft kiss to his temple and then lingers there, breathing him in.

They sit like that, in silence, for a long moment. Rey’s thighs are wrapped tightly around him and she feels his hands move to grip them as his head falls back into the crook of her neck. He sighs. When he finally speaks, his voice is raspy. 

“I don’t want to leave.” 

But he has to, and so he does, with a long, languid kiss on her lips to say goodbye and a promise to call her as soon as he’s back on base. 

**WINTER 2005**

Winter in Chandrila is abnormally, bitterly cold this year and Rey often finds herself thinking about how it can be possible for the city to be freezing to death while she feels warmer and brighter than she ever has.

She’s doing well in school. She’s finally branched into color with her art and has quite a few pairs of stained blue jeans to prove it. She’s steered completely clear of any and all football players this year and things are just, well. Things are better than they have been in a long time. 

Ben and Rey talk every week. The call Leia has designated as Rey’s that occurs every other week is thirty-minutes long, but Leia also leaves _her_ designated calls ten or so minutes early most of the time so she can vacate the kitchen and let Ben and Rey visit for a few minutes. No matter the length of the call or how inconsequential their conversation is, they always say that they love each other before they hang up. 

Rey’s so in love with Ben that her entire body seems to ache at the thought of him. She _misses_ him. 

Things remain somewhat icy between Rey and Leia, but with each passing week, the love that’s started to seemingly radiate off of Rey is so warm that it begins to thaw even the coldest rift, and at one point, Rey even meets Leia in the kitchen before she rushes out to leave the phone for the taking. She doesn’t do it on purpose, but she also doesn’t turn around and run in the other direction when she realizes it, either. 

Leia looks shocked, her mouth nearly falling open as Rey gives her a tiny, tentative smile. She hands the phone over slowly, still a bit in shock, before swallowing thickly and smiling back.

It’s not perfect; it’s not even good, yet. But it’s better. 

**SPRING 2006**

Rey gets her driver’s license when she turns sixteen and Ben arranges for a comically large pink bow to be secured to his old Saturn, which has sat untouched in the garage next to the Falcon since he left. Her face lights up when she sees it, so overcome with joy and gratitude that she hugs everyone standing in the garage with her, including Leia. 

Then, because she’s never broken her word before and doesn’t plan on starting, Rey starts hauling as many Skywalker kids as she can manage to ease some of the stress off the adults. She takes them to doctor’s appointments and soccer games and even drops them off at the movies some Friday nights.

She has fun with the car, too, of course, mostly driving around the canyons with Finn and Rose. They cruise down the winding roads with the windows down and the sunroof open and she thinks that this must be what freedom feels like; the wind beating tangles into her hair and her friends’ laughter echoing through the car as they drive and drive toward no destination. 

\-------------------------------------

It’s Sunday morning and Rey’s nursing her second cup of coffee at the kitchen table when Luke asks her about going on a ‘run’ for the first time. 

She knows for a fact that the man in front of her has never run for pleasure in his entire life, so she stares at him quizzically as he mulls over the crossword he’s been trying to finish for two hours. 

“Like a drug run?” she asks when he doesn’t immediately elaborate.

He snorts, finally looking up at her. “Hilarious.” 

She shrugs, taking a sip of her coffee. He finally expands, setting his pen aside before giving her a serious look.

“A run to check out one of the cases we’re working this month. A little girl—there’ve been some calls made from the home she’s staying in and we’re doing a wellness check this afternoon. Thought you might want to come, maybe see what it looks like from the other side.” 

Rey processes for a moment. It’s never been something the twins talk about with the Skywalker House kids—how they all came to be in this safe, warm house when they all started out in such dire places. 

She knows that Leia and Luke work often and have to go on frequent trips around the area that can sometimes keep them away for days, but Rey’s never been shown what’s _truly_ behind the curtain. It feels like she’s peeking at something she isn’t allowed to see. 

“Leia will be there?” she asks, and Luke just nods. 

Despite her immediate hesitation at his response, she still silently considers it as they sit together, the mid-morning light flooding into the kitchen through the bay windows. 

It’s a gorgeous day and Rey’s feeling light and awake and something in her gut rumbles at the idea of being able to help other kids that haven’t gotten as lucky as she and her friends, maybe even get one of them a spot here so they can grow up safe and loved and warm as she has. 

Rey tips her coffee cup back and downs the rest of the lukewarm liquid. She sets it down on the table with a clank and Luke just raises his brows, his expression still impassive as he watches her. 

“Is that a yes?” he asks. 

Before she can change her mind or even start to talk herself out of it, Rey nods. 

\-------------------------------------

“What was it like?” Ben asks as Rey sprawls out on the balcony bench, staring up at the purple and pink evening sky. 

“It was weird,” she replies, pressing the phone tighter to her ear. “I tried to get the little girl—Ashley—to come outside and play with me so we could talk to her away from her foster parents, but she wouldn’t come.” 

“Did it seem like she was okay?” 

Rey thinks about it for a minute, her face falling slightly. “Not really. But Luke and your mom brought her coloring books and markers and her face just... it lit up. She was so happy.” 

Ben’s quiet for a moment on the other end and Rey can almost hear him mulling over what she said, so casually mentioning Leia that it’s taken them both a little by surprise. 

“How are things? With—with my mom?” his voice is so hesitant that it squeezes Rey’s heart. She doesn’t want anything like this to push between them anymore, even if the thought of finally letting Leia back in causes fear to rise in her heart and throat.

“I don’t know. Okay, I guess,” she mutters, sitting up on the bench and pulling her knees to her chest. 

“Hey,” he says, seeming to immediately pick up on the tension that’s laced in her tone. “It’s okay if things still aren’t okay, Rey. What happened—it’s not something I’m expecting you to just get over. You could never get over it and it would still be okay.” 

“I think I might. Someday,” she breathes, hugging her legs a little tighter. She hears him let out a deep breath. 

“Take as much time as you need, sweetheart. We’re not going anywhere."

**WINTER 2007**

Assisting Luke and Leia on runs becomes a normal occurrence for Rey throughout her Junior year. She drives most of the time so the two of them can sit in the backseat and look over any pertinent paperwork and discuss their plan of attack before they reach their destination.

Rey’s seen a lot of things she’ll never be able to unsee in her time with them. The sheer number of kids in Chandrila—Hanna City in particular—that are either unsafe in their homes or have no homes at all is astounding. 

Even Rey, who grew up on the street begging unkind strangers for pennies, is awed at how many children seem to just fall through the cracks. 

They’re on their way back from a case in Nayli and Luke’s left Leia and Rey up front while he dozes off in the backseat. His rumbling snores can be heard over the soft hits playing on the radio as they drive through the rural landscape, nothing on either side of them but sprawling fields of green. 

It’s not an uncomfortable silence. They’ve been here before; Rey’s spent enough time with Leia over the past several months on these trips that they’ve learned to be in each other’s company without it feeling like the air has disappeared from the space they occupy. 

Rey taps her thumbs idly on the steering wheel to the beat of the music and Leia stares out the passenger side window, elbow propped up on the door and her chin resting in her palm. 

They usually don’t talk, save for a few bits of small talk here and there, normally about the cases at hand. So when Leia speaks, unprompted, it surprises Rey enough that she jumps a little in her seat. 

“You’ve got the heart for this,” she says quietly.

Rey doesn’t turn to look at her, but she can see out of the corner of her eye that Leia isn’t looking at her, either. Rey keeps drumming her fingers, keeping her hands occupied as she remains quiet, unsure of what to make of the statement.

“A helping heart, I mean,” Leia continues, “more willing and caring than most. The kind of heart that will save lives if you let it.” 

She doesn’t know what to say to that, so she continues to say nothing. Leia speaking so highly of her character is doing weird things to Rey’s gut that she’s not sure how to decipher. Leia is undeterred by her silence. 

“I used to think I had one, too. Until—” 

When she trails off, Rey finally sneaks a glance her way. She’s still looking out the window but Rey can see her lips push into a tight line and the bob of her Adam’s apple as she swallows heavily. 

“Until?” Rey asks. 

Leia looks at her then. “Until I broke yours. And Ben’s.” 

Rey’s face starts to heat as she turns back to the road, squaring her jaw. 

“I worked your case for almost a month, you know?” Leia asks, and Rey’s head jerks to look at her again, confused. Leia nods, and then: “Luke and I got word from another social worker in the area that there was a little spitfire kid who was living under a tarp in Sah’ot. Rumor was that she would beat you with a bat if you got too close to her or her stuff.” 

  
There’s a small smile on Leia’s lips as she continues. “We took a couple trips out there just to check out the scene, assess any potential threats, you know the drill now. Then we watched for a bit, just trying to understand what you were doing— _how_ you were making it through on your own.” 

There’s suddenly fat, wet tears filling up in Rey’s eyes as she stares out the windshield, the road ahead starting to blur slightly. 

“What I’m trying to say, Rey, is that you’ve never failed to amaze me. From the second I saw you in that awful place, guarding your meager possessions with your life and a look on your face that could make a grown man crumble, I knew you were special. And I’m sorry—I’ll never _stop_ being sorry for what I did.” 

The tears begin to fall now, tracing warm paths down her cheeks.

“Ben was my miracle baby. We didn’t think we’d be able to have any kids and I'd already started taking over Skywalker House when we found out I was pregnant. And he was...he was perfect. Ten fingers and ten toes and a full head of hair and _mine,_ ” she explains, her voice soft. “I was harder on him than I should have been because of it, but he never complained. Never yelled at me or talked back. He was perfect; an angel, really. Until we brought you in.” 

Rey sniffles and starts to shake her head, not wanting to veer down this path for fear of opening up wounds that had only just begun to truly heal. Leia notices her start to crumble and Rey sees her almost reach out to touch her, but she thinks better of it.

“Don’t misunderstand me, Rey. Bringing you in was the best decision I’ve ever made. It took me a long time to see that, but it’s clear as day to me now.” 

Everything feels heavy, from her limbs to her fleece hoodie to the foot she’s got pressed against the gas pedal, and she takes a deep breath before openly letting out a sob. 

“How can you say that?” Rey asks through her tears, finally breaking her silence. 

Leia gives her a knowing smile. 

“You brought him to _life_ , Rey,” she says. “I may have given birth to him, but you brought him to life.” 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always for all of your wonderful comments and feedback. It's truly so motivating and heartwarming. <3 
> 
> Thank you also to Felicia and Sam for being fantastic betas and talking everything out with me at all hours of the night, again. 
> 
> *****IMPORTANT*****
> 
> **Something happens at the end of this chapter that may be potentially triggering to those with Active Duty family members. Please see the end notes for more information.**
> 
> **Also, please read the tags - there is a very important tag that pertains to this chapter specifically that will hopefully help.  
> **
> 
> Let me know what you guys think. <3

**OCTOBER 2007**

Everyone is thoroughly enjoying Taco Tuesday at Skywalker House; Luke’s grilled chicken fajitas and Maz’s scratch-made tortillas are both sinfully good and Rey’s eaten so much that she’s leaning back in her chair and groaning in agony as she clutches her stomach. 

The rest of the table is conversing happily over chips and guac and Amilyn even made a pitcher of margaritas for the adults, so Leia’s extra giggly at her end of the table as she listens to Kaydel tell the story of how she pantsed a football player in the middle of a hallway for starting a nasty rumor about her.

“He stood there like a deer in the headlights. Completely frozen in place, pants around his ankles. It was _amazing_.” 

Leia laughs and reaches out to clink her margarita glass with Kaydel’s iced tea. “Atta girl,” she says as they cheers. “I hope it was cold out.” 

Rey helps Luke and Leia straighten up the kitchen after dinner while Maz and Amilyn sit on the balcony and finish what’s left of the alcohol; Leia’s putting away any leftovers into tupperware and Rey’s at the sink, passing clean dishes to Luke for drying. She’s nearly done scraping down a sheet pan with steel wool when she glances around the room and notices it’s just the three of them.

She’s been waiting for the right moment, and this one feels as good as any. 

“So, I um, I wanted to talk to you guys about something,” Rey announces nervously.

Neither twin stops what they’re doing but they both look up expectantly. Leia’s scraping guacamole out of a large silver bowl and Luke’s wiping down the dinner plates before placing them into their designated cabinet. 

“Two things, really.” She sets the sheet pan down and turns around after shutting off the faucet, wiping her wet palms onto her jeans. 

When they notice her position, they both stop their movements. Rey can tell that they’re already concerned by her tone and the serious look on her face and she wants to reassure them, but she might lose her nerve if she does and she’s been building herself up to this moment for too long to stop now. 

“I got into Takodana U.” 

Both sets of eyes go wide with shock. Luke nearly drops the plate in his hand and Leia sucks in a sharp breath and then they’re both clapping and cheering and shouting indiscriminately. Rey’s pretty sure they’re congratulating her but it’s hard to tell over the sudden cacophony that has erupted in the kitchen. 

When they both settle a little, Luke says: “That’s amazing, Rey,” and reaches out to squeeze her shoulder. “Close to Ben, too, huh?” 

Rey bites her lip and nods, glancing over to Leia. She doesn’t find any of the wariness or hesitation she feared and instead sees a smile full of pure, unwavering pride. It makes Rey want to tackle her into a hug, but she has more to tell them first.

“I’ve also decided to major in Social Work.” 

Luke actually does drop the plate then. It doesn’t shatter, thankfully, because the distance between his hands and the counter is minimal, but it does _clank_ against the marble and they all jump a little at the noise.

“Oh, Rey.” Leia tosses the spatula onto the counter and is suddenly rushing over to her, pressing two hands on either side of Rey’s face and guiding her head low enough so she can kiss each cheek. “That’s wonderful news.” 

Behind her, she can hear Luke sniffling. The _sap_. 

She peeks a glance at him over her shoulder and he’s grinning, his cheeks shining with freshly shed tears. “Oh, shut up, you,” he chides when he notices her looking. “You know I cry at everything.” 

Then, both of the Skywalker siblings are surrounding her—as if through some weird mental link they were able to coordinate this assault—and they’re wrapping her up into a tight hug. 

Rey’s rolling her eyes and laughing and crying all at the same time as they sway—as a unit—back and forth in the middle of the kitchen. 

\-----------------------------------

It’s Leia’s week to talk with Ben, but she only takes a few moments to tell him that she and Han love and miss him before handing off the phone to Rey with a wink. 

There’s still twenty-seven minutes left for Rey to talk to Ben and she’s so nervous to tell him about Takodana that she might actually vomit. 

Her anxiety might, hopefully, all be for naught. After all, they say they love each other every time they speak, they talk about things they’ll do together the next time they see each other and the outings sound very suspiciously like dates, _and_ on top of all that, Ben was _very_ obviously jealous and also infuriated when she’d told him about what happened at Sophomore Homecoming with Davis. 

But even with all of that, and even with the way Ben’s voice melts into something like honey when they talk, Rey’s still not sure where he stands. 

She’s still seventeen, after all. Less than five months away from eighteen, but still seventeen nonetheless, and Ben’s almost twenty-one now. For all she knows, he might be dating someone at the Academy who’s older and prettier and probably doesn’t have engine grease under her fingernails.

But she doesn’t know, because she’s too terrified to ask. 

So, naturally, telling him about the acceptance letter she got in the mail yesterday is working her nerves, because Takodana University happens to be only fifteen minutes from the Academy, and only twenty-five minutes from the Pilot Training program he’s planning to attend after graduation. 

It’s not that she chose it _because_ it’s so close to him, but she also didn’t seriously entertain any other options, either. 

There’s no question in her mind of where _she_ stands when it comes to Ben.

And if, after all of this, she finds that he doesn’t feel the same, they’ll still go to different schools, and Rey will just have to live in a dorm instead of the cozy little bungalow off campus she’s imagined they could share together. 

“Hi, you,” he says, and his voice sends a wave of calm through her in spite of everything. 

Rey’s staring at her shoes. “Hey.”

After they exchange pleasantries, she takes the cordless phone out onto the balcony and props herself up on the ledge, legs swinging over the side and her shoulder leaned up against the dusty brick. 

“Everything okay?” he asks when she’s quiet for a moment. Makes sense—any other evening besides this one, it’s hard for him to get a word in edgewise. 

She wants to rip the bandaid off. Get it over with—get it out in the open, and let it hurt if it’s gonna hurt. “I got accepted to Takodana U,” she blurts out. 

The silence on the other end of the call seems to stretch into eternity and Rey’s about two seconds away from hurling the phone into oblivion when Ben lets out a surprised but unmistakably happy huff of breath. 

“Takodana U...like the one that’s ten miles from the Academy?” he asks, a little breathless. 

“It’s actually 8.67 miles, but yes.” 

Then he’s laughing and it sounds so gloriously full of joy that Rey feels her heart soar. Her smile is so wide that it’s starting to hurt her cheeks and she’s swaying slowly side-to-side, shoulders light with relief. 

“Are you—are you gonna go there? Shit, I think it’s maybe fifteen minutes from here _max_ , and it’s not far from where I’m doing UPT—not that you’d go because of me or anything, but—you know, we could hang out a lot, maybe, once I’m out of here and can live off-campus and stuff. Only if you wanted to, obviously, I’m sure you’ve got other schools to consi—” 

“Ben,” she cuts him off. 

“Yeah?” He sounds nervous, and she wishes more than anything that she could see him and the little furrow of concern that’s probably taken root between his eyebrows. She wishes she could kiss it. Kiss _him_. 

“There’s literally no place I would rather be.” 

**MAY 2008**

The turnout for the Skywalker Seniors of 2008’s joint graduation party is surprisingly impressive considering Finn, Rose, and Rey are the only seniors in the house this year and they really only ever hang out with each other. 

They’re sitting at a table with enough pizza between them to kill a small animal and Rey’s about to take a massive bite out of her third slice when she hears Leia announce that it’s time for gifts. 

They attack Luke and Leia in a group hug upon unwrapping the gifts from them, which are three silver MacBooks that each have post-it notes stuck to them that read _FOR SCHOOLWORK_. They’re beautiful and lightweight and Rey clutches the box to her chest and sighs happily. 

Finn also gets a new speaker for his dorm, Rose gets a three-sided vanity mirror that lights up on either side, and Rey gets a set of gorgeous acrylic paints. She’s staring wide-eyed at them when Leia walks up and gently squeezes her shoulder. 

“I have one more surprise for you,” she says quietly. “Follow me.” 

Rey follows Leia out to the garage where there’s something against the wall furthest from the door that’s covered with a bedsheet. There’s a big pink bow stuck to it, much like the one that was on the Saturn when she turned sixteen, so she has a sneaking suspicion of who this might be from. 

“Go on, then,” Leia encourages. 

Rey walks over to it, noticing as she approaches that there’s an envelope sticking out under the bow. She reaches for it and opens it quickly.

_Rey,_

_You are my favorite person in the universe._

_Always remember you can do anything._

_Yours,_

_Ben_

She’s in tears as she recognizes the words as her own from all those years ago, but this time in Ben’s handwriting. She refolds the paper gently and places it in the envelope before sticking it in her back pocket for safekeeping. 

Whatever this is, as wonderful as it surely will be because it’s from him, Rey’s certain she would trade it in a second just to have him close. _Just a few more months_ , she tells herself as she pulls the sheet down with a gentle tug. 

Rey’s breath hitches once the gift is fully uncovered. 

It’s incredible. There’s no other word that can accurately describe how perfect the cherrywood drafting table before her is, and she’s completely stunned as she approaches it, carefully reaching her hands out to touch the smooth, shiny surface. There’s a large sketchpad too, opened to a fresh page, waiting for her. She’s overwhelmed in the best way and can feel a lump forming in her throat as she pulls out the matching stool and takes a seat. 

For a moment, she just stares. It’s everything she didn’t know she wanted and her fingers are already itching to draw as she sits there, thanking every star in the galaxy for bringing this, and Ben, into her life. 

“It’s so beautiful,” she breathes, her voice weak and shaky. 

“Even more beautiful than I remember.” 

Rey turns around so fast that she nearly falls off the stool. 

There, standing in the doorway between the garage and the house, all spruced up in his Academy blues and looking into her eyes for the first time in three years, is Ben. 

A smile spreads on his lips and deepens his dimples as they stare at each other for a moment, and then Rey’s on her feet, running toward him and jumping into his arms. Her legs wrap around his waist and he’s got one arm secured under her while the other wraps around her shoulders. 

“Ben,” she whispers. And then, because each time she says his name it feels more like this is reality and not some dream she’s going to wake up from any second, she repeats: “Ben, Ben, _Ben_.” 

Ben chuckles, his mouth close enough to her ear that she can feel his breath. 

“Sorry I couldn’t make it for your birthday,” he says, leaning back a little so he can look at her. 

“I don’t care.” And she really doesn’t. At all. 

Rey clings to him again, taking deep, long breaths of him in through her nose. Eventually, he sets her down, but his hand lingers on her arm as they stand in the garage facing each other. It’s only then that Rey notices Leia’s still there, leaning against the doorway and smiling at them. 

Rey’s eyes flit back to Ben, who she finds still looking at her. 

“Wanna go for a drive?” he asks. 

Rey’s glance immediately cuts to Leia because even though she’s eighteen now and this was definitely organized by the two of them anyway, she knows she probably shouldn’t straight-up _ditch_ the party that’s been graciously thrown for her just because Ben’s here.

But then Leia nudges her head and winks, silently giving her permission to do just that. Rey’s heart feels fit to burst.

She looks back to Ben and nods, her eyes bright. 

\-----------------------------------

Ben takes her to the canyon. _Their_ canyon.

They get there right before sunset and it’s all so achingly familiar that it’s as if no time has passed between them, yet Rey has reminders all around that it has, like Ben’s uniform that he’s unbuttoned so it’s not so tight around his neck, and her long hair, and the fact that she’s no longer fifteen. 

He’s bigger than he used to be, too. His shoulders are much broader and she’s almost certain that he grew at least a couple more inches, definitely over six feet now, and his hair is longer, completely covering his ears. 

It looks good on him, it really, _really_ does, but she can’t help but miss his boyishness just a little.

The sum of his parts is beautiful, even _sexy_ now after years of vigorous training at the Academy, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s so desperately loved _every bit_ of him since she was twelve-years-old. All his crooked, goofy smiles and long, awkward limbs and ears far too big for his head. 

She resists the urge to tuck his hair back just so she can see them. 

The picnic blanket Ben kept in the trunk of the Saturn is still there, so he lays it over the hood and they lay together, Rey’s head resting on his chest as they lean back against the windshield and stare up at the sky.

Dusk at the canyon is always a breathtaking sight, and this evening is no exception. The sky is almost teal as the sun sinks, and as she listens to the crickets and the sound of Ben’s breathing, Rey thinks that this must be what bliss feels like. True, pure, unfiltered bliss. 

“I missed you,” she whispers between them, tilting her chin up to look at him. 

She sees him flex his jaw, and then he’s turning too, locking his gaze with hers. 

“I missed you.” 

“How long do you get to stay?” 

Ben’s expression turns a little sad and Rey immediately regrets asking. 

“Just tonight.” 

Her heart clenches, but she nods. She gets twelve hours with him, and for that, she’s grateful. She would’ve been grateful for twelve minutes. 

They stare at each other and Rey watches with a racing heart as Ben’s eyes drift down to her mouth. She wants nothing more than to give in to the urge that’s telling her to fall, to melt into his kiss, to get lost and live there forever. 

But she doesn’t, because she needs to know. 

After what happened last time, she needs him to _say it_. 

“Ben—” 

“Me first,” he says, a question in his eyes. “Is that okay?”

She nods. 

“Rey, I—” Ben starts and stops, then takes a deep breath and gathers both her hands into one of his. 

“The way we left things...when we last saw each other. I think about that moment a lot. Do you remember what you told me?” 

Rey blinks at him; she said a lot of things that day, ranging anywhere from desperate and heartfelt to downright seething. He seems to sense her hesitation and—much to her comfort—answers for her. 

“You told me that you loved me. More than anything in the world. And that you knew I loved you, too. Do you remember?” 

Of course she remembers. His face when she practically screamed the words at him has been burned into her memory ever since. 

Rey nods. “I remember.” 

Ben nods, too. “Good.”

He stares at her for a long moment and then abandons her hands to press a lock of hair behind her ear. She watches his throat bob, her heart thumping loudly in her chest. 

“You were right. You were so right that it terrified me. I didn’t know what to do with everything I felt for you. It was like everything I’d ever wanted was standing right in front of me, but I couldn’t touch you. Couldn’t have you. But now—” he stops, pinning her with his gaze as they both breathe hard. 

“I want to be with you, Rey. I’ve never wanted anything else,” he tells her, looking straight into her eyes with his hand caressing her cheekbone. 

“Do you want to be with me, too?” 

It’s so gentle, so vulnerable when he asks that Rey almost breaks down into tears right then. She can feel them welling in her eyes as she considers the man before her—because that’s what he is now, a _man_ —and every part of her is vibrating, urging her to tell him yes.

Always.

_In this life and every life after_.

The word is perfect but heavy on her tongue, carrying the weight of a love story six years in the making. 

“Yes.” 

Ben lets out a breath she didn’t realize he’d been holding and then he’s leaning forward and slanting his mouth over hers. He slides his fingers into her hair and guides her gently until her back is flush against the windshield, Ben hovering over her, propped up on his elbow. 

Rey’s head is spinning. When they kissed at the fort three years ago, it was nothing like this. It was hurried and feverish and desperate. It was painful to think about, knowing what came after.

This kiss is something entirely different. It’s soft but insistent, gentle but intense, careful but strong. It’s everything Ben himself is, and Rey’s completely melting, fully and irrevocably lost in how much she loves him. 

She opens her mouth for him on instinct, remembering the way it made him shudder the first time, and she’s not disappointed. Ben moans into her open, waiting mouth before his tongue collides with hers. His hand starts to roam down her body, tracing paths down her arms and hips until he reaches one of her legs and pulls it up and around his waist. 

With him settled comfortably in between, laying almost flush against her, Rey can feel everything. His breath, his fingertips as they slide under her shirt, and the hardness that's pressed against her center. 

The feel of it leaves her hot and wanting and she can’t help the way she bucks her hips to chase it. Ben’s lips tear away from hers and he lets out a groan, suddenly relocating his mouth to her neck so he can press hot, open-mouthed kisses all over her skin. 

Rey sighs, her eyes sliding shut. “Ben,” she breathes, and Ben grinds into her, his erection pressing hard against her clothed cunt. Her vision nearly blacks out. It’s too much and not enough all at once, and she’s certain she’s never wanted anything more in her life than she wants him inside of her right now. 

She doesn’t even truly know what it means, what it _entails_ , to accomplish that, but every instinct in her body is yearning for it. Screaming, really. 

“Ben,” she says again, and Ben picks up his head to look at her. “I want you.” 

He slows his movements and props himself up, eyes tracing her face for any doubt. “You do?” 

Rey nods, her hands reaching to cradle his cheeks. His eyes flutter shut as he leans into her touch. 

“You have no idea how bad I want you. How bad I’ve _always_ wanted you,” he whispers. 

She smiles. 

“Show me.” 

\-----------------------------------

It’s not graceful or without awkwardness like it was in Rey’s fantasies. He doesn’t sweep her off her feet and carry her to a king-sized, four-poster bed where they can lay down and take things slow. 

In fact, it’s messy. Clunky. And above all else, it hurts.

At first. 

They’re in the backseat of the Saturn because their options are extremely limited otherwise and neither fancies the idea of Leia walking in on them a _second_ time. Ben’s expression is tight as he hovers over Rey’s naked form, straining with effort as he pushes into her as slowly as he can. 

Neither of them has done this before, so they’re both not wholly sure how to handle the other, but they’re kissing and Rey can feel the pressure build where he’s entering her and doesn’t know quite what to make of the sensation.

It pinches a little and when Rey winces, Ben freezes instantly. “Should I stop?” he asks, a little panicked. 

She shakes her head quickly and takes a deep breath in through her nose. “No, no. Please don’t. I just need—” 

She’s not sure how she planned on finishing that statement because she honestly doesn’t know what she needs at this point. The stretch isn’t so uncomfortable that she wants him to pull out, but it feels foreign, invasive and strange. She also feels _full_ , but that’s more curious a feeling than it is bad. 

Ben leans down to kiss her, keeping himself still as his tongue meshes with hers and Rey can’t help but moan at the added sensation. She feels herself grow wetter and Ben must be able to feel it too because he blows out a sharp exhale through his nose and breaks away from her, nosing at her cheek. 

“You feel incredible, baby. I knew you would.” 

It feels like her entire body floods with warmth at the endearment. He’s never called her anything but _Rey_ , or _kid_ , or a very rare _sweetheart_. _Baby_ is definitely new, and she finds that all she wants now is to hear him say it again. 

“I think you can move now. Just go slow.” 

He nods and then returns his lips to hers, sucking gently on her bottom lip as he pushes in another couple of inches. It’s still not without pain but it’s better now, the words and his tongue coating her insides with hot wetness that allows him to slide in more easily. 

Ben’s eyes shut tight as he continues on, and when he’s in all the way to the hilt and their pelvises touch, he pulls his mouth off of hers to let out a shaky gasp. 

“Oh my god,” he moans, and Rey tightens her grip on his shoulders. 

His forehead presses against hers as he tests the waters and pulls slightly out of her before gently pushing back in, eyes glued to her face the whole time. 

Rey just nods, because it’s definitely starting to feel like _nothing_ she’s ever felt before. She’s gotten herself off a couple of times in the shower, but it’s always quick and dirty and anything but delicate. This is something different entirely, and the feeling of Ben moving in and out of her while her cunt clenches around his impressive length is enough to suddenly make her eyes roll back in her head. 

He must take this as a good sign because he starts up a new rhythm then, pulling a little further out of her each time he rocks back, and then pushing back to the root, the two of them both groaning as he does.

It starts to feel good, then. Better than she could have ever imagined. Ben’s eyes are shut tightly above her as if trying to concentrate, and she reaches forward to press a kiss to his forehead. He lets out a sharp exhale and she sees tears in his eyes when he opens them. 

“Oh, _Ben_ ,” she rasps, pushing a hand into his sweaty locks and gripping tightly. 

“I love you,” he tells her, and her entire cunt tightens around him. Ben’s head falls forward and his eyes slide shut. “ _Fuck_ , baby.”

They move together and it’s unbelievable, the amount of sensation that’s coursing through her, but she knows from the little experience she does have that it might take more than this to push her over the edge. Slowly, she reaches for one of Ben’s hands and guides it down to her center.

“Touch me, Ben. _Please_ ,” she pleads as she uses her fingers to guide his in slow, gentle circles over her clit. He gets the idea quickly enough and takes over, panting against her neck as she whimpers at his touch.

The combination of his deft fingers, his breath on her skin, and his cock stroking in and out of her so deliciously is causing a wildfire to rage under the surface of her skin. It’s right _there_ , sitting at the bottom of her spine and she starts to chase it, unsure of exactly what will come of it in the end but desperate to know all the same. 

“Are you gonna come, Rey?” Ben asks, his voice almost shot. “Am I about to make you come?” 

He’s sweaty and beautiful and panting above her and Rey knows that she absolutely is. She’s going to come harder than she’s ever come in her life. 

His fingers pick up the pace when she nods frantically, biting into her bottom lip so hard that she almost breaks the skin. 

Ben’s lips are at her ear then, ghosting along the shell as he thrusts his cock in and out of her relentlessly, burning more pieces of her each time he hits the spot inside of her that seems to reverberate pleasure into every cell. 

“I can’t believe I get to be with you, Rey. To fuck you. To love you,” he’s breathing in her ear, hot and soft and she’s so close that her limbs are starting to shake. “I’ll never leave you again. I’m gonna love you forever.”

And then she’s coming, her vision going completely black as she cries out, her head flung back into the seat cushion and her eyes rolling back in her head. The moans escaping her lips are loud and filthy and incoherent. 

Ben thrusts into her once more and then he’s following, her pussy throbbing around him violently and milking him for every last drop as he spends into the condom. His forehead falls to the juncture of her neck and shoulder as he gasps for air, her name falling out of his mouth like a tired prayer. 

They lay in the backseat for a while after, Ben’s chest pressed tightly against Rey’s back in an attempt to squeeze them both comfortably in the cramped space. He traces little patterns into the bare skin of her arms and Rey hums contentedly, eyelids starting to droop.

The sky turns black eventually and reminds them of the hour. They drive back to Skywalker House holding hands, and Ben presses kisses to Rey’s knuckles every so often as he stares at the road ahead with a stupidly happy grin on his face. 

The porchlight and the string lights that hang from a couple of the trees are all lit when they pull into the driveway, and the scene they create as they shine looks nothing short of magical.

It’s such a funny feeling; she’s been in all of these places with Ben countless times before, but now, everything feels brand new somehow. The lights seem brighter, the colors more distinct and rich. There’s a warmth to everything that was once just angles and cold edges. Even the most commonplace of settings for them feels coated in possibility, like she’s seeing them through a different, better lens. 

It makes her feel braver than she really is. 

“Ben, I don’t want to live in the dorms at Takodana after you graduate.” 

Ben’s gaze cuts to hers. His eyes widen, but he doesn’t look upset, or angry, or scared. He looks... _awed_. 

“I was thinking,” she continues, spurred on by his expression. “That maybe once you’re able to live off-campus, that we could—” 

He cuts her off by pulling her face to his and kissing her. Their lips move together for a few achingly good moments and when Ben pulls away, he’s smiling. “Yes. Absolutely, yes.” 

Rey stares up at him, her eyes shining. “Yeah?” 

Ben huffs, his hands still holding her face. “Baby, _yes_. There’s nothing that would make me happier. I literally never want to be away from you again.” 

Rey laughs and then snakes her arms around his neck, pushing a sloppy kiss to his cheek as she clings to him.

_This is it_ , she thinks. This is the end of the life that she knows and the beginning of the life that she’s always wanted. The life she’s prayed for, cried for, _fought_ for, for so long. 

A life with Ben, at her side, forever. 

**9/13/2018**

It’s mid-evening on Thursday and Leia, Rose, Finn and Rey are all arguing about which shade of yellow to paint the nursery, with Finn and Leia leaning more toward mustard and Rose and Rey adamantly on the side of pastel. 

“Mustard is such a diverse color. It doesn’t have to _scream_ 'baby' in here just because it happens to be a baby’s room,” Finn expresses, fully of the mindset that Ben and Rey’s daughter would surely love to have a mustard-colored room far past her infancy. 

She’d learned of the gender a week prior and promptly burst into tears when Dr. Moretti told her, the two of them hugging for a long moment as Rey cried. 

She wanted a girl. More than anything—a girl that she could nurture and protect and show all the love in the world. 

A girl that would _never_ go hungry or wonder if her mom and dad loved her. 

Not with Ben and Rey as her parents.

He'd cried when she told him over Skype two days later. It was difficult for him to even speak, he was so overcome with emotion, which in turn had her sobbing, of course, because as happy as she was to see him and tell him, she wanted nothing more than for him to _be there_. To kiss her tummy and lay with her while they argue over names and godparents. 

“I can’t believe it, baby,” he’d sighed, shaking his head. “A little girl.” 

Leia, Luke, and Han all cheered when she told them, Luke louder than the others because apparently he guessed right and won the fifty dollars they’d bet when they found out she was pregnant.

They had finally begun the real nesting process, beginning with really and truly clearing out the guest bedroom and lining the walls with tape and the floors with a tarp so they could paint it. 

“I think I’m coming around to it,” Rey muses, earning a disgruntled glare from Rose.

“Traitor.” 

Rey sticks her tongue out at her. 

“Alright then, c’mon. Walls aren’t gonna paint themselves,” Leia says. 

So they paint and paint and paint some more, well into the night. They’re full of pizza and breadsticks and only halfway through the third coating when Rey’s phone rings from inside her back pocket. She sets the roller down in its tray and fishes the device out, seeing an unknown number populated on the screen. 

It’s late and she doesn’t think Ben had any intention of calling tonight, but she feels excitement rising in her gut even still, knowing it could be one of those sneaky calls he makes from the sat phone when no one’s around.

She’d love to hear his voice right about now, so she hopes and hopes as she unlocks the phone and presses it to her ear. 

“Hello?”

“Hello, may I please speak to Mrs. Rey Solo?” a man’s voice asks, and everything around her comes to halt. 

Rey suddenly can’t breathe, but she somehow manages: “This is she.” 

Leia, Finn, and Rose must hear the sudden shakiness of her voice and that, coupled with the late hour, has the three of them looking at Rey with concern etched on their faces. 

“Mrs. Solo, this is Colonel Jay Snoke. I’m Lieutenant Solo’s Squad Commander. I’m so very sorry to have to tell you this, but earlier tonight, your husband’s X-Wing was shot down in enemy territory while performing an unsanctioned retrieval mission. We don’t have confirmation of a K.I.A. yet, but unfortunately, at this point, it’s only a matter of time. I’m—I’m very sorry, ma’am.” 

The phone falls out of her hand and crashes into the tarp below. 

Rey falls to her knees and screams. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the end of this chapter, Rey finds out that Ben's X-Wing was shot down in enemy territory after a failed rescue mission. Snoke does not confirm that Ben is dead, but implies that he probably will be soon. 
> 
> Read the tags, friends. **_Read the tags._** It's gonna be okay.
> 
> p.s. I've already written half of the next chapter so you will not have to wait long after a cliffhanger like _that_ , I promise.
> 
> MINI GLOSSARY (just in case):
> 
> UPT = Undergraduate Pilot Training  
> KIA = Killed in Action


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised you wouldn't have to wait long!
> 
> Thanks as always to Sam and Felicia. <3
> 
> Let me know what you guys think!
> 
> Also, come hang out with me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe)

**9/13/2018**

The world stops turning. 

How Rey manages to stand, gather herself, get into a car and get over to Skywalker House, she has absolutely no clue. 

She’s not quite certain she would be able to tell you her name if asked right now. 

The world has stopped turning, and she’s going to be sick. 

It happens in flashes, the next couple of hours. Rey blinks in and out of full consciousness and sees a multitude of things, out of focus as they may be: Leia’s red face, hair a mess but shoulders still strong, Rose patting her forehead with a cool washcloth, Luke crying in the corner. 

Nothing feels real, or permanent or actual. Everything that surrounds her feels terrifyingly meaningless, from words to eyes to smells and the only thing that seems to keep her rooted to the ground is the fact that she can’t stop vomiting. 

She’s bent over a small silver wastebasket, coughing up only bile at this point when Finn appears next to her with a glass of water.

“Drink, Rey,” he commands gently. Rey obeys. She doesn’t know how to not. 

She doesn’t know how to _anything_. 

She drains the water and hands the empty glass back to him. 

Rey’s brain feels like it’s been set on fire; a nasty grease fire that someone keeps throwing water onto, the flames bursting through every nook and cranny of her being.

But something—she’s not sure what—nags from within, fighting tooth and nail to push through the heat. It bellows underneath heavy, suffocating layers of grief.

It gets louder.

_We don’t have confirmation of a K.I.A. yet, but unfortunately, at this point, it’s only a matter of time._

_We don’t have confirmation of a K.I.A. yet, but unfortunately, at this point,_

_We don’t have confirmation of a K.I.A. yet, but unfortunately,_

_We don’t have confirmation of a K.I.A. yet,_

**_We don’t have confirmation of a K.I.A._ **

When she finally hears it, her gaze cuts to Finn abruptly, her eyes wide. 

“We need to talk to Poe. _Now_.” 

Finn blinks at her. “Rey, we can’t ju—” 

“Finn, we have to talk to him. He can tell us what’s really going on.” 

Rey watches their faces fall. Watches them lose hope that maybe she’s come back to some sort of reality.

It makes her want to throw things. Break things. 

She doesn’t want to have to explain herself—they’re running out of time.

**_We don’t have confirmation of a K.I.A._ **

“Rey, sweetie, Snoke said that—” It’s Rose this time, and if this were literally _any_ other situation, she might feel bad about what she says next. 

“I swear to fucking god, if you try to tell me that I should just sit here and take what he said lying down, I am going to go absolutely apeshit on you, Rose,” Rey nearly screams. 

The room is fuller than she realized, her clouded vision starting to clear. Leia, Han, Luke, Rose, and Finn are all there, looking at her with so much sympathy and sadness that Rey feels her stomach turn again. 

“I’m not gonna do that. I’m not gonna just _accept_ that Ben’s — ” a sob escapes her throat before she can stop it; it’s wretched from her and it _hurts_ to let go of. She nearly doubles over with the weight of it. 

“He’s not dead,” she gasps as more shoot through her chest. “He _can’t_ be dead.” 

Rey’s panting, trying to recover from the onslaught of pain that just wracked through her when she feels Finn’s hand at her back. Her eyes shut tightly at the sudden contact.

“Please, Finn. Please.” 

She doesn’t look at him, but she feels him squeeze her shoulder gently.

“Okay. Okay, I’ll get ahold of him.” 

\------------------------------

It’s easier said than done, getting in touch with the Blue Squadron. Rey knows better than anyone that it’s almost impossible to make outbound calls to the base; they don’t have cellphones or any surefire way to get someone on the line. 

But it doesn’t stop them from trying. 

Han tries to call Colonel Ackbar but finds regretfully that he’s on an international flight for the next eight hours, which means that not only is he completely unreachable, but that Snoke is now the highest-ranking officer on the base in Jakku. 

The number that Ben’s called her from on the sat phone doesn’t even ring when they try to call it back. 

They exhaust every option. They reach no one. 

Finn’s sitting in front of his laptop, watching the screen intently as the Skype ring echoes through the room, an endless trill with no one to pick up on the other end. 

Rey hears its sad chirp for probably the fiftieth time. 

_Poe Dameron is unavailable right now,_ the screen reads. 

Han and Leia’s large bedroom has become a makeshift operations base of sorts, with Rey and Rose on the bed dialing Paige and Hux relentlessly, undeterred by the endless ringing on the other end and the voicemails they’ve hit dozens if not _hundreds_ of times by now. 

Finn’s at the dresser with the laptop, staring sadly at the picture of Poe as he launches another attempt to call him. 

Leia, Han, and Luke are in the sitting area. Leia looks dazed; she’s been watching all of this unfold with an eerie calm that isn’t wholly unsurprising but concerning nonetheless, and Han’s got his arm wrapped around her shoulder and his lips at her temple. She looks the way Rey feels. Numb. 

Luke is a wreck. He’s always been the most emotional person she’s ever met, and this is no exception to that rule. He’s had to leave the room every couple of hours to go to his own, just to cry. He returns every time though, with red cheeks and a stuffy nose and asks how he can be of service. 

The love for Ben in the room is palpable. 

Rey knows that when she tells him of this mission they’ve conducted to get to the truth that he’ll be proud. He’ll smile and maybe tear up, thinking of Rey and his parents and his uncle and his friends all moving mountains for him. 

Or at least trying. 

He’ll love hearing about it. He’ll probably make fun of Luke for not being helpful because he couldn’t stop crying for ten minutes. 

He’ll love it because he’s going to come home and hear all about it.

He’s going to come home because he’s not dead. 

There’s no planet, no fucking galaxy in the universe where Ben is dead and Rey’s not. It just doesn’t work that way. She refuses to let that be her reality.

After another unanswered call ends on Finn’s laptop, he turns to look at Rey. His eyes are sadder than she’s ever seen them. 

“Rey…” 

She shakes her head.

“Keep trying.” 

\------------------------------

The sun is out. It’s been seven hours since she got the call from Snoke and not one of them has slept. There are birds outside that are chirping happily, accompanying the day as it begins, in stark contrast to the sharp, desperate tones of everyone in the room that remain empty-handed.

Rey’s laying down with her phone next to her head as it trills, ringing Hux over and over again and echoing his voice message. 

_This is Armitage Hux. You know what to do._

The beep sounds, and Rey hangs up. She sits up slowly and looks around the room, seeing that not much has changed in the past five or so hours that they’ve been at this. The fire that burns within her to get to the truth and confirm that Ben is alive and in need of rescuing is still burning, bright and red and angry, but the tired looks on the faces of all those she loves the most in the world tear at her heart. 

It’s possible that they don’t believe it. That they’re doing all of this to appease their friend, their pregnant, widowed friend, who just lost her husband and isn’t ready to accept it yet. 

She thinks she might be sick again but manages to hold it together, and for the first time since she got to Skywalker House, she stands up and makes to leave the room. Everyone turns to look at her. 

“I, uh—I need some air.” 

They all nod. Rey leaves and heads for the balcony. 

She sits on the bench and pulls out her phone. Her fingers hover over the first name on her favorites list, the one that’s flanked with heart emojis. 

💖💖 ** _Hubs_** 💖💖 

Rey taps the call button and holds the phone to hear, hand shaking so violently that she has to steady herself with her other hand so the phone doesn’t fall. 

It rings. And rings. And rings. 

Eventually, it stops, and then: 

_You’ve reached Ben Solo. I’m either unable to answer my phone or I don’t want to talk to you. I’ll let you decide which is more plausible. Leave it at the beep._

Rey’s mouth opens in a silent scream when she hears his voice. She clutches her abdomen, unaware that it was possible to feel such a sharp, textured pain that seems to have _layers_ to it. Grief, agony, fear, anger. It hits her like a bucket of acid poured onto bare skin and she can’t breathe or think or make any sound.

They find her like that out on the balcony. It could have been minutes, hours or even days since she came out here; she has no way to know. 

It’s Han that reaches for her, his touch achingly gentle, and Rey crumples as soon as his hand touches her shoulder. She screams, out loud this time. Everyone moves in and Han acts quickly, hauling her up into his arms with one strong arm under her legs and another at her back. 

Rey sobs into his neck as he leads them all back to the bedroom. He lays her down and smoothes her hair out of her face as she cries and cries and cries. 

She can’t see through her tears, so she closes her eyes and welcomes the blackness, the absence of light and color mirroring everything she’s feeling inside. 

The images that assault her mind are uncaring of her emotional state; they attack her relentlessly, showing her in full high-definition all of the memories of him that she’s held so dear, all the moments that have made up their life together.

Ben helping her with a book report, his voice soft and gentle as he explained foreshadowing and symbolism better than any of her teachers. 

Ben showing her his favorite Talking Heads albums and rolling his eyes but relenting nonetheless when she asks if they can switch to Fall Out Boy. 

Ben’s face in the crowd when she graduates from college, smiling wide and so fucking proud of her that it brings tears to her eyes. 

Ben holding her as they sway in the kitchen of their first apartment, dancing to no music as the light from the open fridge illuminates the room.

Ben down on one knee at the canyon, looking up at her with nervous but hopeful eyes as he asks her to be his wife. 

Ben waiting for her at the end of the aisle, handsome as ever in his dress blues, tears slipping down his cheeks when he sees her in her wedding dress for the first time.

Ben’s smile when she tells him they’re having a baby girl. 

They play on an endless loop in her mind and she wants to claw them out, to exorcise them from her heart and her brain alike so that she doesn’t have to feel anything anymore. She can’t face a world where these memories are just that, _memories_ , relics of a time when she was happy. When Ben was alive. 

At the thought of Ben being alive only in the past tense, Rey's body crumples forward and rasping, agonized sounds escape from her throat. 

“No, no, no, no. I can’t—I can’t— _please_ ,” she wails, and it’s Leia who’s at her side now, and she’s wrapping her small arms around Rey and they’re clinging to each other as tightly as they can manage and they both cry, loudly and painfully, the sound hanging heavy in the room.

“Leia, I—” Rey coughs out as she pulls back, her eyes red and throat completely wrecked. Leia looks similar, and she’s staring at Rey with heartbreak etched in her features. Rey shakes her head. “I can’t. It can’t be real. It can’t be Ben—he’s, he’s not—not Ben. Not _my Ben_.” 

Leia’s face twists up in agony as she pulls Rey back in. The tears are still spilling down both of their cheeks but they’re quieter now, and Rey thinks that the silent cries hurt more than the loud ones; they’re much deeper, more rooted in the heart and stomach and filled with incomparable, unimaginable sorrow. 

The sound of ringing that echoes loudly from the laptop cuts through the room and they all turn to look at it. It’s such a happy melody, the Skype ring. Finn runs to it, a heavy sigh of relief falling out of him when he bends down to look at the screen. 

“It’s _Poe_ —it’s him, he’s calling me.” 

Rey and Leia separate and both sit up a little taller, and then Rey’s crawling across the bed to be closer to the screen as Finn clicks the ‘answer’ button. Poe’s face appears, looking wrecked as hell, but he doesn’t look sad. There’s no grief in his features at all. There’s something else—something simmering and dangerous. 

He takes a moment, seeming to survey the room that’s staring back at him. After a heavy exhale through his nostrils, he leans forward.

“Let me talk to Rey.” 

Finn nods and lifts the laptop from the dresser, handing it to Rey wordlessly. 

They stare at each other through the camera and Rey’s shaking, barely keeping it together as she waits for Poe to tell her what she needs to hear. 

To tell her if her life is about to be broken in half. 

To tell her if her husband, her partner, her best friend, is dead. 

Poe glances over each of his shoulders quickly, and then: 

“It’s been almost twelve hours since he went down and we still don’t have confirmation of a K.I.A., which is a good sign,” he tells her quietly. “He went back for Snap. That idiot was trying to establish air superiority over one of the most dangerous villages in Jakku and got shot down and Ben...he wouldn’t leave him. He—” he stops for a second and takes a deep breath. “He disobeyed a direct command from Snoke. We were ordered to leave Snap, that there was too much risk in going back into the airspace knowing they were waiting for us to do just that. But Ben did it anyway.” 

Rey’s eyes fall shut. Of course he did. He wouldn’t be _Ben_ if he hadn’t. 

Stupid, idiotic, brave, kind, selfless Ben. 

“Jakku’s military are a bunch of cocky showboaters, Rey. They love to advertise it to American troops when they kill one of ours. The fact that they haven’t yet means to me that he’s not dead. Neither of them are.” 

The room is quiet. They’re all staring at Rey as she stares at Poe. She takes a deep, uneasy breath and then nods. 

“What now?” she asks Poe. 

He sighs, running a hand over his face. “I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you. Snoke is doing everything he can to stop us from going back in. He’s ready to call it on Ben and Snap and tell his COs they were careless flyboys that weren’t worth risking the entire Squadron over.” 

Rey’s nostrils flare. Ben’s told her enough about Snoke that this doesn’t surprise her, but it makes her blood boil all the same. 

This is the same man that’s tried to smear the name of the Red Squadron after half of them _died_ fighting for their country, and the same man that had the gall to tell her _over the phone_ that Ben was shot down during an ‘unsanctioned’ mission like it was a natural, expected, even _welcomed_ consequence of disobedience. 

Poe leans closer to the camera, looking over his shoulders once more before locking his gaze to hers. It pins her where she sits, full fire and strength and courage. 

“I called to tell you that we’re gonna do it anyway.” 

**03/19/2018**

Sunday mornings are Rey’s favorite. 

Every Sunday morning, she wakes up before Ben (the one and only day he will ever allow himself to sleep past 5 a.m.) and slips into her favorite robe and slippers before walking into the kitchen to put the coffee on. 

Once the blinds have been opened, the morning light floods the room. Their kitchen isn’t luxurious by any means; the design of it is clean and modern, with dark grey concrete countertops and fixtures made of iron. There are personal touches sprinkled throughout the space, little bits of Rey and Ben that make the otherwise hard edges of the space a little softer. 

It’s Rey’s favorite room in the house. It’s where they cook, where they share a glass of wine as Rey sits on the countertop and Ben vents about work or talks about ‘the genius that is Breaking Bad’, where they dance sometimes, barefoot and in their pajamas, holding each other and swaying back and forth to nothing but the sounds of the air conditioner and the hum of the fridge. 

It’s a rare Spring morning in Chandrila where it’s not raining _or_ humid, so Rey opens the windows and relishes in the feeling of the crisp, cool air as it flows into the house. She’s standing there, looking out at their not-so-shabby view with her coffee in hand when she feels Ben’s arms wrap around her middle. 

Rey’s eyes slide slowly shut. That feeling never, _ever_ gets old.

“Morning,” she whispers, leaning her head back to rest against his shoulder. Ben presses his lips to her neck, cheek, temple. 

“Hi,” he breathes. Rey turns around in his arms and kisses him, softly and briefly, before walking over to the coffeemaker to pour him a cup. 

They sit at the breakfast nook together and sip from their mugs as Ben does the crossword and Rey reads. Their feet are propped up on the same chair and they tangle together, rubbing up against each other gently, absently. 

Rey often wishes that every morning would be like Sunday mornings. Quiet, sweet and soft, spent together and unhurried. 

Ben’s phone rings from the bedroom and they both glance up. He taps her foot with his once more before going to grab it. 

She hears him answer it and can tell that it’s someone important or at least higher up by the way his voice changes. It gets deeper, more succinct, instantly. 

What she doesn’t expect to hear is the sound of their bedroom door shutting. 

Rey’s heart starts to thump a little harder in her chest as she sets her book onto the table, sitting all the way up and glancing over to confirm what she heard. 

The door is closed completely, but she can hear Ben’s muffled voice from where she sits. He stays in there for at least five minutes and Rey kind of just stares, unsure of what to make of such a strange action. Why wouldn’t he want her to hear? He’s never kept anything from her before—definitely not something important enough to close a door _over_.

When he finally opens the door, she stands and plans to meet him halfway as he walks back toward the kitchen. 

“What was _that_?” she asks, a little more venom in her voice than she intended. 

Ben looks up and his face is hard, worried. When he sees her, he softens slightly, but his brows are still knit together and she’s suddenly and immediately nervous. 

“What’s going on?” She’s anxious now, moving more quickly toward him so she can reach out and smooth her hands over his arms. “Who was that?” 

“Snoke.” 

Rey’s heart is hammering in her chest. There’s a handful of reasons why Snoke would be calling on a random Sunday morning, and none of them are good. 

“And?” 

Ben takes a deep breath and looks her in the eye. “Red Squadron is being pulled out of Jakku. They were doing an ex-fill and got ambushed two nights ago. There were—they lost some people. A lot of people.” 

The words look like they hurt him to speak. Rey knows that Ben has friends in Red Squadron. Friends that might not be coming home. 

“That’s not why he called me, though.”

Some of the air in the room seems to leave at that moment as Rey processes what he’s about to tell her. She knows, deep down, what he’s about to say, and it’s making her lungs feel heavy, weighed down by sudden terror. 

“They need bodies in planes in Jakku. The war isn’t slowing down because Red’s coming home and,” he pauses, bringing his hand to Rey’s face to push a piece of hair behind her ear. “And Blue’s next in line.” 

Rey lets go of a sharp and deep breath before she backs away from him, shaking her head frantically. 

“No. No, you can’t go there, Ben, listen to what you just told me!”

“Rey,” he pleads, holding his hands out in front of him. “You know I don’t have a choice. Starfighters get deployed, baby. It’s part of the gig.” 

And she knows that’s true. Everything he’s saying is true, and it’s not like she hasn’t known that this was possible. They’ve talked about it here and there, but it’s always felt like something that would just remain a _possibility_. That Ben and Blue Squadron would always stay in Chandrila and never be shipped off to some war-torn country where so many never return from. 

“How long?” she asks shakily, trying to hold it together and failing miserably. 

He stares at her for a beat. “Six months.” 

She lets herself cry then. There’s no point in trying to stop it and it’s not like she can ever hide anything from him, anyway. Rey’s palms are pressed hard against the edge of the concrete countertop and her head is hung, tears streaming fast and hot down her cheeks.

Ben’s there within seconds. He’s pulling her into his arms and lifting her up off the ground and she’s wrapping herself tightly around him, crying quietly into his neck. He rubs a hand up and down her back and soothes her silently, but she can feel the tension that hardens the muscles in his back as she runs her hands over them. 

They stay like that for a while, in the middle of the kitchen, clinging to each other and not saying a word. 

**05/26/2018**

“I don’t want to do this. I can’t talk about this right now,” Rey snaps. 

“We have to talk about this, Rey. Please, just sit down with me for a minute,” Ben begs, sitting at the edge of their bed on a rainy Saturday morning. 

But she can’t. Ben’s leaving in just over two weeks and there’s no way she’s going to be able to sit there and have a conversation with him about the possibility of him dying in Jakku. No fucking way. 

“Ben, no. We’re not going to do this. We’re not going to entertai—” 

“Rey!” he shouts, probably much louder than he meant to, because he _never_ shouts at her, and she can see his chest heaving as his cheeks go pink. “Please. I need you to listen to me. I can’t go over there without saying what I need to say.” 

She stands stock-still for a second, her palms starting to sweat. When Ben’s eyes find hers, he looks broken. “Please, baby.” 

She goes. They sit close and Ben holds both of her hands, dwarfing them with the size of his. 

He takes a deep breath. “Blue is _good_ , Rey. They’re smart and strong as hell. We’re cohesive—the way we communicate and work together, it’s good. It’s really good.” 

The _but_ coming up in this conversation is the part that’s making Rey’s mouth go dry with anxiety. The _but_ is the part that’s going to give her fucking nightmares. 

“But if something does happen, I need you to promise me that you’re gonna be okay.” She tries to cut in and argue immediately but he raises a hand to stop her. “I’ve got some money put away. It should be enough to pay off this house if that’s what you decide you want to do with it, and probably enough to get a more reliable car than the truck, or—” 

“Ben, please,” Rey’s eyes squeeze shut and she shakes her head. Every word he says, every possibility he describes where she’s making these decisions without him is like a jab of searing pain into her skin. 

“Rey, I’m begging you right now. Promise me that you’re going to try. Just _try_ , that’s it.”

“Try _what_?” Rey’s starting to cry and Ben reaches for her hands again. He picks them up and presses a few soft kisses to her knuckles before looking at her.

“To move on. Not right away, but eventually. Try to _live_. Try to be happy again.”

She looks away from him, unable to hold his gaze with the weight of his words sitting on her chest and making it hard to breathe. 

The possibility of his request doesn’t seem plausible, but she can tell how important it is to him by the way he’s holding her hands so tightly in his and his shoulders are starting to shake with tension. 

“Sweetheart, _please_. Please tell me that you will.” 

Rey sniffles and picks up her chin, and then musters up some of the courage that she admires so much in him. 

“Okay. I’ll try.” 

**09/14/2018**

It’s been hours since the call with Poe ended and they’ve yet to receive word from anyone on the status of the Blue Squadron. 

Colonel Ackbar is made aware of the situation as soon as he lands and sends military police to Jakku’s base to arrest Snoke. Han assures Rey that he’ll be court-martialed for negligence and likely dishonorably discharged.

“If Gial has anything to say about it, this will haunt that fucker for the rest of his life. There’ll be no coming back from what he did,” he tells her, bristling with anger at the man that left his son for dead.

They’d remained in Han and Leia’s bedroom for an hour or so before dispersing, deciding as a group that it would be easier to try to keep themselves busy than to sit around and wait for the phone to ring again.

Han drives Leia and Rey to see Dr. Moretti. They explain the situation as gently as they can and Rey gets checked out along with the baby. Dr. Moretti orders her to rest, hydrate and to try to get something in her stomach. 

“Call me if you start to feel any sort of discomfort. Or _anything_ weird, really. Just call. I’ll pick up,” she tells her, and Rey’s grateful for the reassurance. In all of the chaos of the past twenty-four hours, Rey’s body has been through a ringer of vomiting, crying, sweating, and struggling to breathe. It hadn't taken much coaxing from Leia to get her to Moretti’s office. 

Rey heeds the advice. They take her back to Skywalker House and set her up on the couch with a blanket and a Camelbak full of water with some electrolytes sprinkled in as well as a sleeve of saltines that she’s somehow managing to keep down. 

Everyone else trickles back into the house slowly and finds a place closeby. Finn’s on the other end of the couch with her feet in his lap and he’s rubbing them through her socks. Rose is curled up on the floor below Rey’s head. Han and Leia share the large loveseat adjacent to her and Luke’s leaning against the wall closest to the door, arms folded tightly over his chest. 

They’re all treating her like she’s glass, tiptoeing around her with gentle touches and hushed voices and it makes her want to scream, but she knows that screaming will lead to crying, which will lead to hyperventilating, which may lead to more vomiting, and she can no longer afford to only think of _her_ own heart and body anymore.

She’s got her daughter, _their daughter_ , in her belly and she’s going to do everything she can to protect her, to shield her from this absolute nightmare. 

It takes all the strength she has left to try to not think about Ben, to not let the hundreds of scenarios run through her mind where he’s alive but he’s barely holding on, or he’s not there at all and they have to keep looking for him, or he’s just _dead_ and all of their hope has been catastrophically misplaced. 

She can’t think like that. She has to be the shield. 

She _has_ to protect her child from her racing mind and her breaking heart.

They’re all watching but not really watching The Price is Right. It’s loud, loud enough that when the audience cheers it’s almost deafening. 

Thankfully, Rey’s phone is much louder. 

It rings with an unknown number and they all turn to look at it, sitting untouched on the coffee table. Han shuts off the television and everyone stands except for Rey. She swings her legs from Finn’s lap and plants her feet on the ground before reaching for the phone. 

It’s heavy in her hand. She looks around the room for a second, her breath caught in her throat, and answers it.

_This is it,_ she thinks. This is the moment where the life that she knows, that she’s always wanted, that she prayed for, cried for, fought for, for _so_ long, could end. 

Life with Ben at her side, forever. It could all be gone. Forever could end right now, right here, with this one phone call. 

“This is Rey,” she manages quietly. 

It’s loud on the other end, a rumbling sound echoing through the speaker that she thinks must be an engine of some sort, but she can still hear him when he speaks. 

“Rey, it’s Poe.” 

Rey just breathes. In and out, in and out. It’s all she can remember to do at this point. “Hi, Poe.” 

And then, because he must want to torture her for some hellish, unknown reason, he says something he should have said the _second_ she picked up the phone. 

“ _We got him_ , honey. He’s okay.” 

Tears fall down her cheeks quickly, spilling onto her neck as she lets out the breath she’s been holding for who knows how long.

She looks around the room, knowing they are all waiting for her to tell them if Ben, the man that is her husband, but also their _son_ , their _nephew_ , their _friend_ , is alive. 

“He’s okay,” she repeats breathlessly, and Leia wails, instantly falling into Han’s arms. Rose and Finn embrace and hold each other tightly and Luke bursts into tears, sliding down the wall until he’s fully seated with his face in his hands.

“He’s—he’s with you now?” she asks Poe.

“Huh?” Poe grunts, and Rey’s confused for a moment but then he keeps going and she realizes quickly that he’s not talking to her.

“He is? Really? He’s _asking_? Well, hot damn, Tico, just a sec,” Poe continues, and then must finally turn his mouth back to the receiver because he gets louder. _Vibrant_ , even. 

“Sounds like someone is awake and wants to talk to you, babe.” 

Rey’s hand goes to her mouth and her eyes squeeze shut. Everything inside of her, every iota of her being is screaming, praying to every god that has ever existed or will exist that this is _not_ a dream.

It’s silent for a long moment on the other end of the phone, and then: 

“Rey _.”_

His voice is scratchy and tarnished. He sounds weaker than she’s ever heard him sound but it doesn’t stop her from letting out a sob at the sound. 

“Ben,” she says in between the gasps for air that wretch from her chest. 

Everyone in the living room moves closer. They all stare at her with tears in their own eyes and smiles creeping onto their mouths. _He’s alive_ , their faces say, and Rey is maybe, finally starting to believe it too. 

“Are you okay? Did they hurt you?” she asks, desperate to hear it from him. 

A low, watery chuckle escapes his mouth and Rey’s heart feels like it’s been catapulted into the stars. There’s no one name for the feeling that’s enveloped her entire being; it’s such an odd mix of relief, love, terror, and pain. 

“I’m okay, baby,” he says quietly. 

And then, “I’m coming home. We’re all coming home.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poe for president amirite


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy that you guys enjoyed the last chapter. It was a tough one to write, so I'm relieved to know that it hit all the points I wanted it to. Putting Rey and everyone through that was not fun. :( But again, yeah, Poe for president. I'm obsessed with him and Luke in this fic. They snuck up on me as faves and I now must protect them, always.
> 
> I admittedly have not cried through writing any of the chapters until this one. Twice. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. Thank you again to Sam and Felicia for being superb betas. 
> 
> Come visit me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) and/or [twitter](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe)!
> 
> ALSO, I started a new fic! It is a Summer Camp AU that is a love letter to the summer camp I grew up going to and also the story of a summer love that we ALL DESERVED TO HAVE. Rey's a counselor from the UK in America for the first time. Ben's the prickly new Summer Camp director. Deep in the heart of the Texas Hill Country, where we lay our scene... hehe
> 
> [Check it out! I'd love to know what you think. :)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23626507/chapters/56701978)

**9/15/2018**

It takes the Squadron thirty-six hours to get back home and Rey doesn’t talk to any of them again until they land on U.S. soil. They fly back in a Starfighter transport aircraft that gets them to Chandrila quicker than a commercial airline would, and Finn, Rose and Rey are able to meet them all on base as soon as they arrive.

They're buzzing with anticipation beside Rey as they wait on the tarmac. With everything going on, it’s been easy for her to forget the fact that _their_ people are coming home, too. Finn hasn’t seen his husband in months; Poe didn’t get to come home midway through his deployment like Ben did, and Rey knows that Rose cries herself to sleep far too often thinking about Paige. 

But all of that seems very far away now, as Blue Squadron’s plane slowly rolls to a stop and the cabin door hisses open.

Poe’s the first one to poke his head out. He’s in fatigues and his hair and beard are much longer than Rey remembers. The smile that splits his face when he spots them is nothing short of incredible.

Finn starts running. 

Poe races down the loading stairs and meets him halfway and the two collide into each other in a blur of messy kisses and tears and amazed laughter. Finn holds Poe’s face in his hands and stays like that for a moment, just taking him in. 

Rey watches with a hammering heart—so grateful for this moment, for Finn, and for the man that made sure her husband made it home. Tears well in her eyes as she considers that fact—she will _never_ truly be able to repay Poe for what he’s done. What he's given her. 

The rest of the group closes in on Poe as Finn releases him, and when he spots Rey in the crowd, a strangled, broken noise escapes her throat. She’s fully crying as she wraps her arms tightly around his shoulders and Poe returns her embrace with equal fervor. 

“Thank you, Poe,” she says as she soaks his uniform with tears. “Thank God for you.” 

Poe chuckles as he runs a hand over her hair. When he pulls back to look at her, his smile is soft and kind.

“He would’ve done the same for any of us.” 

Rey nods as tears flow down her cheeks, and then her eyes flit to the cabin door where Hux and Paige are helping Ben down the stairs.

And then it’s her turn to run. 

Rey doesn’t let him get halfway. As she gets closer, she can clearly see that Ben is hurt. His face is bruised and bandaged and he’s walking with a slight limp, so Rey doesn’t tackle him into a hug like she would under any other circumstance.

Instead, she slows down as she approaches him, her expression fierce and raw as they lock eyes. Paige and Hux continue to walk forward, leaving them alone to take each other in. 

Ben moves first. He reaches out and pulls her tightly to him; his lips are at her head and he’s smoothing his hand over her hair as she sobs, violently into his chest. 

Rey’s knees buckle and Ben goes with her. Her throat is sore from crying but she can’t _stop_ and she’s clinging to him, unable to process anything but the feeling of his arms around her again. 

He’s alive. He’s okay. He’s _here_. 

“I’m here, baby.” He whispers over and over again, and she nods as she lifts her head and finds his eyes. 

“Ben, I don’t know what I would’ve do—” she cries, but Ben’s shaking his head and interrupting her before she can finish the thought. 

“It doesn’t matter, sweetheart. I'm okay.” He pushes a lock of hair behind her ear. 

She kisses him. 

It’s rough and wet and when her eyes flutter open she sees that he’s crying, too. She tightens her grip around his shoulders, her fingers finding their way into his thick hair. 

They’re both still on their knees on the tarmac when they finally break apart. Ben pushes Rey’s hair back and gives her a half-smile, one of his classics, before he presses a soft kiss to her forehead. 

“Let’s go home,” he whispers. 

\------------------------------

Ben’s quiet for most of the drive home, but he holds Rey’s hand tightly in his. When she has to make a sharp turn at one point and needs two hands, he releases it, but then grabs it again immediately once she’s done. He rubs soft little patterns into her skin as he sits, staring out the passenger side window in silence. 

The truck grumbles as it eases into the driveway that’s attached to their three-bedroom bungalow. It’s a mild Saturday afternoon and there are children playing in the street, their laughter and screams echoing through the Chevy’s open windows. 

Rey puts the truck in park and notices Ben looking at their house. The hand that’s not holding hers is clenched into a tight fist in his lap and he's breathing a little heavily as he stares at the front door. 

It’s bright red, one of Rey’s favorite features of the house, and right now it’s home to a large yellow ribbon that hangs high and proud at its center. On the ends that hang down, there is bold black cursive writing that’s easy to read, even from the driveway. 

**_LAND OF THE FREE_ **

**_BECAUSE HE IS BRAVE_ **

She sees his jaw clench and his nostrils flare as he reads the words. His grip on her hand tightens and Rey angles her body slightly so she can see him better. 

“Ben?” she says softly. He doesn’t move.

After a few long seconds, he lets out a shaky breath and then turns to her, his lips forming into a tight smile. The look on his face is unreadable, his grip on her hand tighter still.

When he looks at her head-on like this, it takes every last vestige of Rey’s composure not to burst into tears, or scream, or break something. 

His left eye is a darkish purple and green and almost completely shut. His bottom lip is red and split and there are white butterfly stitches on his right cheekbone that are a stark contrast to the bruising underneath that spreads almost all the way to his jaw. Not to mention the fact that he’s still having trouble walking and she's not sure why.

She's sure of something, though.

They hurt him. They hurt him so badly. 

Rey wants to kill them. She wants to kill them _all_ ; the bastards that did this to him, Snoke for letting it happen, Snap for getting him into this in the first place. 

She wants to take away every last bit of his hurt and level them all with it—force it back onto them with her fists and her furious heart.

The rage starts to slowly settle as they continue to sit, and Rey finally breaks the heavy silence that hangs between them. 

“Do you wanna go inside?” she asks, because right now, with the way he’s looking at her, she can’t really tell. 

Ben just nods. 

\------------------------------

The quiet follows them into the house. Rey brings his duffel inside and sets her purse and keys on the counter like she always does with Ben following closely behind, looking around like it’s the first time he’s ever stepped foot in the space. 

They stand five or so feet apart in the kitchen as he surveys their house. He’s tan, she notices, darker than the last time she saw him, and his hair is almost at his shoulders now. Rey sets the duffel down gently onto the kitchen floor and moves closer to him.

When he sees her approaching, his shoulders sag with relief and he lets out a heavy exhale. Closing the distance completely, Rey gently places her hands on his chest, reveling in the feel of his thumping heart under her fingertips. 

At this point, it’s obvious to her that he’s not ready to talk, so she decides quickly on an alternative that she hopes he won’t deny. 

She tilts her head up to look at him with a sweet, kind smile on her lips and in her eyes. 

“Do you want to take a shower?” 

Ben just nods. 

**WINTER 2009**

“Rose, you don’t understand. She put a target on my back the first week of class after I corrected her grammar in front of everyone,” Rey gripes as she walks into the apartment. She throws her keys and book bag haphazardly onto the kitchen table, walking straight to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water. 

“You did _what_?” Rose asks.

Rey’s gripping the bottle as she flails her hand out in frustration. “It was wrong! She put an apostrophe in the word Tuesdays when it was not possessive, and it was in the _syllabus_!”

Rose chuckles lightly. “So, then, what? You think she sabotaged your grade as a final _fuck you_?” 

Rey sees Ben on the couch and he gives her a sweet smile as she charges in, taking off her jacket and tossing it carelessly onto an armchair. The smile she returns is tight-lipped and doesn’t reach her eyes, and she’s so annoyed with the situation that she doesn’t even stop to kiss him on her way to the bedroom. 

“Well, I just don’t see how else I could’ve made such a lousy grade!” Rey groans as she walks into the room, pinching the bridge of her nose and huffing in frustration. “I studied so hard for this and now it’s going to bring down my GPA and I just want to—ugh, I don’t _know_. I’m so fucking frustrated.” 

Rose gives her a second to breathe. “Sweetie, it’s okay. You’re taking a full course load _and_ interning with Boys & Girls Club this semester. That’s a _lot_. Plus, dude, you have like a 3.9. You’re gonna recover from this in no time.” 

Rey’s quiet for a minute before she lets go of a deep sigh. “You’re right.” 

“I am right, yes. Plus, the semester is over now and you’ll never have to see her again. So, go take a really long, really _hot_ shower, and then make Ben give you a foot massage after pouring you a _very_ big glass of wine.” 

She agrees wholeheartedly before thanking Rose and hanging up. The shower heats quickly and Rey strips after chugging most of the water, still unable to stop thinking about the D she just got in Psychology and her professor’s merciless response when she tried to argue it.

It’s bitingly hot when she steps in and steam is already covering the entire bathroom mirror and the glass paneling around the shower. Rey breathes deep and walks under the spray, letting it crash hotly against her skin as she closes her eyes. For a few minutes, she’s still, hoping it will wash over her and take the shitty day along with it.

She feels Ben before she sees him. It startles a breathy gasp out of her when his arms snake around her middle and his chest presses flush against her back, but it only takes a few seconds before she’s completely melting into him. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks in a low voice, his lips ghosting the shell of her ear. 

Rey’s eyes slide closed. She can feel every part of him—his powerful legs and arms, his sturdy and broad chest, and his cock, semi-hard and warm as it presses against her back.

“I fucked up on my Psychology final,” Rey tells him as her head falls back onto his shoulder. Her nose nuzzles his neck. “I’m sorry I didn’t say hi when I came in.” 

Ben hums against her skin. “Don’t apologize. You’re frustrated.”

She nods. Ben tightens his grip with one strong arm while the other ghosts down her middle until his thick fingers land at her center. He traces a barely-there line up her slit and Rey sighs. The water beats down onto them as he starts to swirl his middle and index fingers over her, swiping her clit every few seconds as he works. 

The sensation of his calloused fingers on her cunt and the spray of the hot shower hitting her bare breasts is overwhelming; Rey bites her bottom lip as she breathes, heavy and hard through her nose. When he dips just the tips of his fingers inside her, she lets go of her lip and cries out, her head falling forward. 

Ben’s free hand moves to her neck, pulling her head back onto his shoulder so he can speak directly into her ear. “You want me to fuck you, baby? Will that help you relax?” 

If she wasn’t falling hard enough already, Ben’s voice is like quicksand. It’s ragged and deep and _hot_ against her skin.

“Yes,” she sighs. Ben sinks down and presses his cock into the seam of her ass. 

“Yes, what?” he asks, his fingers diving deeper inside of her as his thumb moves to her clit.

“Yes, I want you to fuck me, Ben,” she breathes, moving with him as he slides in and out, his panting echoing in her ear. “Please, _please_ fuck me right now.” 

Suddenly, he’s turning them around and lifting her up, his arms settling her under her ass as she wraps her legs around him. The tip of his cock pokes at her center and Rey’s head falls back against the tile wall when she feels it push slowly inside of her.

“ _Ben_.”

He fucks her good and long, moaning against her neck as the water goes cold. She comes on his cock twice, gripping him so tightly that he almost chokes, and he almost drops her when he comes so hard that his knees nearly buckle. 

“Fuck,” he whispers after, still nestled inside of her. 

Rey laughs. “Yeah,” she says, boneless and sated in his arms. “That _did_ help.” 

**9/15/2018**

Rey’s never been more grateful for the bench in their shower. 

She’s grateful for the closeness it’s allowing them to have as she sits in Ben’s lap, running her fingers through his wet hair as the handheld showerhead washes out the last bits of his shampoo. 

She’s discovered that the source of his limp is his left ankle, which is littered with dark grey bruises and isn’t able to hold much of his weight without pulling a hiss from his teeth. But like this, sitting down under the hot stream with his hands resting softly on Rey’s hips, Ben’s breathing is even and he looks at peace for the first time since he’s been home. 

She pumps a quarter-sized amount of conditioner into her hand and massages it into the ends of his hair before leaning forward to press a kiss into his brow, which bears no wrinkles of worry or frustration or fear. 

Ben wraps his arms around her when he feels her lips hit his skin. 

He’s been so _quiet_ since he landed and Rey doesn’t know exactly what to do, so she relies purely on her instincts, which are screaming at her to care for him and be _gentle_ with him. To comfort him and protect him from any further harm. 

She starts moving to wash out the conditioner when he squeezes her tighter. Rey looks back down and finds his eyes open and looking at her, sad and tired, but burning. 

On another wave of pure instinct, Rey wraps her arms around Ben’s neck and holds him as tightly as she can. He returns her embrace and buries his face in her neck, so his voice is muffled and broken when she finally hears it again.

“I came home, baby,” he says into her skin. “I came home to you.” 

\------------------------------

It’s evening by the time they’re clean and dry and in comfortable clothes laying atop the comforter on their bed. Ben is propped up on his elbow, looking down at Rey as his hand rubs soft circles over her belly. 

“How is she?” he asks quietly. 

Rey smiles. “She’s good,” she tells him, her hand landing on top of his. “I went to see Dr. Moretti after I talked to Poe and—” 

She stops because it’s a lot, remembering the past few days and the whirlwind of emotions she’s felt. They hold each other's gaze while Rey collects herself.

“She’s good. We’re both good.” 

He nods. He doesn’t look at her when he speaks again, and his voice is thick and raspy. 

“All I kept thinking when I was down in that hole—” he starts, and Rey can’t help her sharp intake of breath at his admission. It’s the first time he’s said anything about what happened. He glances up at her briefly, and then returns his eyes to her stomach. Rey squeezes his hand, encouraging him. 

“All I kept thinking about was getting back here. To you,” he looks at her again. His grip on her stomach tightens. “And her.” 

When they fall asleep on top of the covers, Ben cradles her belly with both hands.

\------------------------------

It’s not the sound of the bedside lamp shattering or the skid of the bed frame across the hardwood floor that jolts Rey awake at 1:07 a.m.

It’s the scream. 

Ben’s scream. 

The sound cuts through the quiet house like a knife through butter and Rey shoots up, everything happening so quickly that she barely has time to register that Ben is already out of bed, hunched over with his hands on his knees as he gasps for air, leaned against the bedroom wall to support his weight. 

“Ben!” Rey springs up and runs to him in the dark, the moonlight through the bedroom’s sheer curtains the only light source. He’s clear enough in front of her that her heart is racing at the sight of him, sweaty and pale and shaking. 

“Baby, baby, look at me,” Rey says gently, her hands reaching out to grip his biceps to pull him to full height. He lets her guide him, and when she can finally see his face, his bottom lip is trembling. Rey cradles his face in her hands.

“You’re okay, Ben,” she whispers, her thumbs smoothing over his cheekbones. “You’re home and you’re safe.” 

Ben stares at her for a few seconds and then his face twists, crumpling completely as he lets out a harsh, strangled sob from the back of his throat. Rey reacts immediately, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. 

He cries into her shoulder, repeating her name against her skin like a prayer.

“I’m here, baby,” she says into his hair. “You’re not alone.” His knees give out at some point and Rey follows him down, shushing him gently, telling him over and over again that he’s _here_ , he’s _home_ , he’s _okay_ and she’s got him. 

She’ll never let him go. 

**05/22/2015**

“Please, please, _please_ tell me where we’re going.” 

“Rey, if I told you where we were going, that would literally ruin this entire plan. Why would I _blindfold you_ and then _tell you_ where we’re going?” Finn gripes from the driver’s seat. 

Ben and Rey have been back in Chandrila for a few months now and hanging out with Finn and Rose has become an almost daily occurrence. Rey thinks Ben must be used to it by now, coming home and seeing them sprawled out on the couch or huddled around her in the kitchen as they attempt to follow some elaborate recipe Rose found on Pinterest. 

She’s home alone this weekend while he’s on an assignment up the road in Coruscant with Poe, so when Finn and Rose show up at her house and ask her if she ‘trusts them’, she nods, a little reluctantly.

Then Finn pulls a red bandana out of his pocket.

“What are you doing with _that?"_ Rey asks nervously. 

“Do you not remember five seconds ago when you said that you trusted us?” he responds, already frustrated with her. 

She’s confused as shit, but she goes with it. They’re probably gonna take her to one of those weird, niche restaurants where you have to be like, _initiated_ before you can eat and you get a gold-plated membership card at the end or something. Whatever the case may be, she’s bored and it’s Saturday night and she _does_ actually trust them implicitly, so she goes with it. 

But that doesn’t mean she’s not going to pester them with questions the whole way. 

They’ve been in the car for about fifteen minutes when it feels like Finn is turning off, and Rey wiggles her eyebrows under the bandana. 

“Ooooh, are we here? Have we arrived at the secret club?” she asks mischievously. 

“You’re such a dingus,” Rose mutters from the backseat. “But yes, we are here.” 

“Do _not_ take off that blindfold, Rey Johnson. I’m on my way to help you.” Finn demands, and she hears him unbuckle his seatbelt and slam the driver’s side door shut. 

She unbuckles her own seatbelt as Finn opens the passenger side door, and she’s about to step out of the car to meet him when she feels Rose’s tiny hand on her shoulder. 

“What is it?” Rey asks. 

Rose is quiet for a second. “I love you, Rey-Rey. I really do.” 

Rey snorts, her face twisting in confusion. “Random, but I love you, too, Rosie.” 

Rose squeezes her shoulder and then Finn practically yanks her out of the car. She’s about to yell at him when she notices the crunching of rocks under her feet. 

“What the _fu_ —Finn, where the hell are we? The _woods?”_

He laughs, but it’s quiet and soft, an unexpected contrast to their conversation up to this point in the evening. He doesn’t answer the question, though, and Rey’s getting more annoyed by the second.

“Finn?” she asks again as she follows him, blindly, by the hand.

After a few more steps through the gravel, they stop. She feels Finn turn toward her, and he squeezes her hand before letting out a long exhale. 

“You ready, Rey?” he asks, his voice quiet and inexplicably gentle. 

“What the hell is going on, Finn? Ready for what?” 

He lets go of her hand then and steps around her before untying the blindfold. When he removes it and tells her to open her eyes, Rey’s breath hitches in her throat. 

Her palms start to sweat and she can hear the blood rushing in her ears. For a second, she swears she blacks out, and when she comes to, the world seems _brighter_.

They aren’t at some niche restaurant. 

They aren’t in the woods. 

They’re at the canyon.

And so is Ben. 

He’s standing twenty feet away from her, surrounded by hundreds of white lilies, and the sun is just about to set. 

When her eyes meet his, it feels like her entire body is consumed with a warmth that hums and radiates and vibrates under her skin. Dumbstruck, she turns back to look at Finn, who gives her a brilliant smile before nudging her slightly in Ben’s direction. 

And then she’s walking. She’s walking toward Ben, who’s waiting for her in the spot that’s been theirs for over ten years. He looks incredible in dark jeans and a light grey button-down that’s rolled up at his elbows, and he’s looking at her like she’s the answer to all his questions, his wishes, his dreams, his hopes. 

As she walks, she hopes that her face says the same to him. Because he _is_. God, he is. 

The distance between them is narrowing and Ben is— _finally—_ close enough to touch. His smile is so soft and sweet that it pulls at her heart, and she opens her mouth to say something when Ben holds up a hand to stop her. 

“Me first?” he asks. It’s so familiar and yet so far away, this conversation. Rey smiles at him, like she did on that summer evening just like this one in 2008, and nods. 

Ben takes a step closer to her and takes both of her hands in his. He stares at their joined hands for a moment before meeting Rey’s eyes with his own. They’re bright, golden even, against the setting sun. 

All at once, what’s about to happen truly hits her. Her mouth goes dry and her eyes start to feel heavy with unshed tears.

“I’ve loved you since I was fifteen-years-old." He starts, after a deep breath in through his nostrils. "I knew even then, on some level, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Ben rubs his thumbs over her knuckles and cracks a crooked smile. “I don’t know if it was always romantic; I just remember knowing right away that I never wanted to leave your side. I wanted—so badly—to always be the person that made you laugh, that kept you safe, that held you when you cried. You were alone for so long and all I wanted was to make sure that you never were. Ever again.”

The sound of Rey’s heart thumping in her chest is echoing loudly in her ears, but she can’t take her eyes off of him. Not for one second. 

“I didn’t know for a long time—too long—what it really meant. I just knew I needed you, and I wanted you to need me, too. But then I figured it out. I figured it out the _second_ I lost you. I was surrounded by people but I’d never felt more alone. It took me breaking your heart—and my own—to realize something I should have understood much sooner.”

Rey bites her lip and tears start rolling slowly down her cheeks. Her grip on Ben’s hands tightens as he continues, his own lip starting to tremble. 

“I realized that I was, I am _,_ and I always will becompletely in love with you, Rey. I’m in love with your heart, your mind, your spirit. The way you fight—the way you fought so hard for me when no one else did. I never really felt like I was worth anything until you decided that I was your _everything_.”

One of Ben’s hands moves to Rey’s face and he cradles her cheek. She leans into his touch and watches as his eyes start to shine with tears.

“I want to be that man for you, baby. For the rest of my life, I want to be the man that’s worthy of being your everything. Because _you_ , my sweet, beautiful girl, deserve…” he leans forward, pressing his forehead against hers. “Absolutely... _everything_.” 

Ben backs up, still holding onto her left hand as his right disappears from her face and into his pants pocket. Rey feels like she might vomit, or scream, or jump up and down but she’s paralyzed where she stands.

“I want to give it to you. I want to give it all to you, forever, if you’ll have me.”

And then he’s bending down on one knee and holding up a little black box that’s been opened to reveal a gorgeous, light pink diamond ring that sparkles as it moves in Ben’s shaky hand. Rey swallows hard as she stares at the man before her. 

_Her_ man. Her person. The love of her life. 

“Rey, will you marry me?” Ben asks her.

She’s crying and laughing at the same time as she nods, over and over again.

As if it was ever a question.

As if she would ever be anything but _his_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Rey's engagement ring](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/a9/e5/d5/a9e5d50a174f988c48cc5e2d66514cef.jpg)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay _so_ , there is definitely going to be one more chapter after this one, and then more than likely an epilogue following that. 
> 
> Thank you to Sam and Felicia for helping me through this chapter, which was surprisingly tough to write. 
> 
> I would love to know what you guys think!
> 
> Thank you as always for the comments, kudos and messages. They really do mean the world to me. 
> 
> Come hang out on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) and/or [twitter!](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe)

****

**SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2018**

The days following the night terror incident are not easy. In fact, they’re some of the hardest days in Ben and Rey’s marriage to date, and by the time Poe comes around to pick up Ben for their first group therapy session as a squadron, Rey’s so exhausted that she almost breaks down into tears when he hugs her. 

“He’s not okay,” she whispers. Poe grabs hold of her shoulders and pushes her back so he can lock eyes with her. A look of sheer determination that she’s seen many times before etches into his features, followed by a reassuring smile. 

“None of us are, honey. That’s why we’re going.” Rey’s gaze falls to her shoes as she nods and he squeezes her shoulders tighter, beckoning her eyes to meet his. 

“Your husband is the strongest man I know. He went through some scary shit over there, but nothing so scary that he’s not gonna get to the other side of all this. Ben’s not that breakable. Never has been.”

She wants to argue with him, to let her tears fall and sob as she screams into his chest that he’s wrong, that while Ben is incredibly strong, he is _still_ breakable. Rey doesn’t know if he’s broken, but she also doesn’t know if he’s not. 

Because Ben is different. 

He wakes up every night, multiple times a night and has no idea where he is. The first couple of times, she had no clue what to do, so she just held onto him as tightly as she could until he returned to himself. When he finally did, he would hug her, sobbing into her neck as apologies fell out of his mouth in between ragged gasps for air. 

Two days ago, when they were in the parking lot of the grocery store and a car backfired near them, it took almost an hour for her to get him to speak, or look at her, or even really move. He was paralyzed in the passenger seat, breathing heavy through his nose as his jaw tensed and his fists clenched hard enough that his nails cut into his palms. 

“Sweetheart, you’re okay,” she’d whispered into his ear over and over again, and eventually, he let out a deep exhale and turned to look at her. Rey reached for him and held him tightly for what could have been hours, not giving a damn about the ice cream melting in the backseat. Her heart hammered in her chest as she listened to his breathing even out, and she didn’t let him go until he finally spoke again. 

“I’m okay,” he’d said, but they both knew that he wasn’t. 

The scariest of it all is the night before Poe shows up, when she wakes to an empty bed and panic set in immediately as she jumps up, running into the bathroom and then out the bedroom door when she doesn't see him. When her eyes land on him in the kitchen with a large chef’s knife in his right hand, it takes everything she has not to scream. 

“Baby, what are you doing with that?” she asks gently, her hands out in front of her body as she slowly approaches him. He turns quickly in her direction, and it seems like he might be looking at her, but Rey can tell he doesn’t see her. Not really. 

“I can’t be here. I need to get home to my family,” he replies, his voice low and harsh. When his gaze lands on her, the look on his face sends a chill down her spine. 

“Ben,” Rey says softly. “You are home.” 

He shakes his head rapidly. “No, no—you don’t understand. I have to get out of here. It’s not safe for them. My wife and my daughter—it’s my _job_ to protect them.” He’s stiff where he stands except for the knife, which he thrusts out with each word, his fist shaking. 

After the last incident in the bedroom, she’d looked into ways to help him during an episode. Rey takes a deep breath and steps a little closer. 

“Baby, look at me, I’m Rey. I’m your wife. I’m okay, and so are you. We’re at home and we’re not in danger.” 

He stares at her for a moment, his fist clenching and unclenching around the knife.

“Tell me what you see, Ben. Look around the room and tell me what you see.” 

Ben doesn’t move for a solid minute. His lips are still curled angrily over his teeth as he looks at her, which levels her heart like a fucking bulldozer. Eventually, he listens. She watches his eyes dart around the kitchen, his breathing growing heavier by the second. 

“It’s a kitchen,” he says through gritted teeth.

“Good. What else?” Rey keeps her voice as steady as she can manage. Her hands are shaking at her side and the knots in her stomach are making her nauseated, but she keeps her voice calm. For him. “Do you see the island, where we usually eat dinner? And the breakfast nook where we drink coffee and do the crossword on Sunday mornings?” 

His mouth starts to relax, very slowly. She can see his nostrils flare as he starts to crane his neck to take in the rest of his surroundings. It only takes a few seconds more before she sees the spark of recognition in his eyes. Ben drops the knife onto the tile and covers his face with his hands. Rey runs to him, and he shakes violently as he sobs into her neck. 

The next day, Ben calls Poe and tells him to fasttrack the group therapy sessions. 

  
  


\------------------------------

  
  


By the start of the third week of sessions, Ben is better. Things aren’t back to normal; Rey’s not sure if they ever will be again, but they’re adjusting. 

Leia agrees to take on Rey’s current cases so she can take time off, and it’s helping, her being around the house with him all day. They do menial tasks together, like deep cleaning the kitchen and organizing the pantry. They go to department stores and pick out a crib and rocking chair and a diaper genie and it all feels good and right to have him with her as they build their daughter's room. They cook together and catch up on The Handmaid’s Tale and cuddle on the couch. 

The episodes slowly start to become more infrequent. When a dumpster truck slams into a brick wall a few houses down one afternoon and makes an incredibly loud, startling sound, Rey’s instantly afraid that it will set him off. They’re in the kitchen eating stir fry and her eyes cut to him immediately.

Ben looks tense, but he doesn’t shut down right away. He holds his fork tightly in his hand, and she can see the way his jaw clenches and unclenches as he tries to breathe through it. After a few moments, he lets out a deep breath. 

“You okay?” she asks quietly. 

He picks his head up to look at her. 

“I’m good, baby,” he whispers, and when she sees the dimple on his right cheek deepen from the half-smile on his lips, Rey’s heart warms and her shoulders sag with relief. 

The furthest thing from normal at this stage in Ben’s recovery is their sex life. Between his night terrors and the utter exhaustion that seems to plague his muscles and bones, they haven’t exactly gotten back into a good rhythm again, yet. The first night he was back, when they crawled back into bed after his first episode, he’d tried, but fell asleep before he could finish. Now, it’s almost like he’s afraid to try again. He makes her come on his fingers and his tongue a few times, but every time she tries to urge him back up her body to do more, he hesitates. He stares at her with a silent apology in his eyes, unsure of himself in a way she’s never seen him be. 

“I want to,” he says against her lips. “I just—”

The look on his face is full of unsteadiness. _I don’t trust myself anymore_ , it says. 

She gives him a reassuring smile and runs her fingers through his thick hair. 

She won’t push him. Ever. 

“It’s okay. Just hold me.” 

**11/09/2015**

After three different Saturdays and three exhausting experiences at boutiques around Hanna City, it is decided among Rey’s wedding party (all two of them) that they must venture out of town if they are ever going to find the perfect dress. The dress that will make Rey’s eyes fill up with tears as soon as she sees herself in the mirror. The dress that will, as they say, choose _her_ , and not the other way around. 

At this point in the search, Rey is willing to call bullshit on the entire thing. It doesn’t really matter to her if the dress feels absolutely positively perfect—so perfect that she can’t possibly wear _anything_ else—because she knows that Ben will think she’s beautiful even if she walks down the aisle in a burlap sack. 

But Finn and Rose are as adamant as they are (and always have been) stubborn, so Rey humors them and gives them her honest opinion about everything she tries on. Not one dress has earned more than a halfhearted “I like it”, which is _wholly_ unacceptable to her co-maids of honor.

Rey invites Leia along on the road trip to Coruscant, which is thankfully only a couple of hours away. They take Finn’s fancy new SUV because it has the most room and _heated_ leather seats, and they snack on chips and candy bars from the Quickie Pickie. 

The Graham Boutique, located in the heart of downtown Coruscant, is nothing like the stores they’ve gone to at home. Those shops are almost rinky-dink compared to this, with its white walls and carpets and its impeccably dressed staff. They’re paired with a consultant named Jenna, who dons a perfectly tailored charcoal pantsuit and smiles with all of her teeth as she welcomes them.

Jenna gets the high-level version of Ben and Rey’s story, their price range, and a basic idea of what Rey could potentially be interested in. Because Rey doesn’t have much to go on or really any idea of what she actually wants to look like on her wedding day, Jenna is forced to kind of wing it. 

She guides the group into a large sitting room with a horseshoe-shaped white couch at its center and urges them to sit and make themselves comfortable while she starts her search. Another woman comes in with flutes of champagne for everyone shortly after that. 

After twenty minutes or so, Jenna is back and Rey is ushered to the adjoining dressing room and presented with five options. They vary in length, style and color and they’re all definitely beautiful, but Rey’s eyes are immediately drawn to the one at the end of the rack, which is far and away the simplest of the bunch. Jenna follows her eyes and nods knowingly, reaching for the dress at the end and holding it up for Rey to see.

The straps are thin and there is virtually no back to it, but it’s gorgeous in its simplicity; the way the satin flows and shines is completely captivating.

When Rey tries it on and turns around to see herself in the mirror, she immediately wants to run outside and apologize to Finn and Rose for ever doubting them. She probably would, too, except she can’t move her feet. Or her arms. Or anything, really, as she stands before her reflection and somehow just _knows_ that this dress is perfect.

Tears are rolling down her face as she nods, realizing that this dress, with its clean lines and small but beautifully flowing train, is the dress that’s been waiting for her since she walked into Skywalker house thirteen years ago.

This is the dress she’ll wear when she marries the love of her life, when she slides a gold wedding band onto his finger and promises to love and cherish him for the rest of her days. 

She’s crying and laughing at the same time as she hugs Jenna, who starts to lead her out of the dressing room to show everyone. 

“We got lucky, folks. Only had to try on one,” Jenna tells them as she steps out of the way for Rey, who stands with splotchy cheeks in front of her best friends and mother-in-law.

“Oh my god,” Finn whispers. 

“Oh, Rey,” Rose says, her hand immediately at her mouth as tears well up in her eyes.

Leia looks equally as taken as them but says nothing as she stands and makes her way over to Rey. She holds both of her hands and Rey’s fighting back another wave of fresh tears when she sees Leia’s slowly starting to fall down her cheeks. They hold each other’s eyes for a moment and then Leia pulls her in for a tight hug, and Rey can hear her sniffling.

“You look absolutely perfect, my beautiful daughter,” she says, voice ragged with emotion. “My son is the luckiest man alive.”

**10/13/2018**

Snoke gets dishonorably discharged and arrested on charges of criminal negligence. When the squadron gets word, they coordinate a dinner at Poe and Finn’s house and invite significant others to join. Rey sits between Finn and Ben and demolishes an entire plate of chicken parmesan with spaghetti, as well as almost half a loaf of garlic bread. 

When she comes up for air at one point, she finds the two of them staring at her in awe. She’s reaching out for a second helping of chicken as she rolls her eyes. 

“Screw off, like I _wasn’t_ going to gain a million pounds while being pregnant.” 

Finn just scoffs and turns back to his plate, but Ben gives her a soft smile. Any irritation melts away quickly when she feels his hand squeeze her knee under the table. 

Poe’s at the head of the table with Finn to his right and Rey watches as he takes a long pull of his Heineken before standing up and tapping the bottle with his butterknife. The chatter starts to die down in the dining room when Poe clears his throat. 

“I just wanted to take a few moments and talk about our Flight Lead, Lieutenant Benjamin Solo.” 

The table goes completely quiet. Snap, who was much worse for wear than Ben was when they were rescued and still has the evidence of it on his face, sits across the table from them. Rey watches his nostrils flare as he glances back at Ben, who is tense at her side. She reaches down to the hand that’s still on her knee and squeezes it, interlacing her fingers with his. He squeezes back. 

“He’s the reason why we’re all here right now. Ask anyone in the Squadron, especially this idiot,” he points to Snap, who huffs out a laugh. “They’ll all tell you the same thing. He was never afraid out there—not for one second. Even when he was scared shitless.” 

Ben doesn’t move. He stares, unblinkingly, at Poe, who’s been looking around the table at the group but now turns his gaze directly to Ben. Rey sees tears shining over his dark brown eyes.

“We may have rescued you, Ben, but you rescued us first. Every single one of us, in one way or another. I got to come home to my husband because you covered us, you comforted us, you protected us. No matter what.” 

A tear falls down Ben’s cheek and his hand is squeezing Rey’s so tight that it hurts. The emotion in the room is palpable; everyone’s sniffling as their gazes cut from Poe to Ben and back again. Snap’s fully crying now, too, and Poe puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. Snap’s hand meets his, holding it tightly. 

“That motherfucker deserves everything he’s going to get in prison for the next twenty years for trying to split us up—for trying to stop us from protecting you the way you always protect us. He can rot and die in that cell.” 

The Starfighter battle cry sounds in the room and Rey hears their class rings knocking against the table rapidly in agreement.

“So here’s to Solo, and the Blue Squadron,” he raises his beer. “We’re stronger than we were yesterday. We’ll never stop getting stronger, as long as we’re together. We’ll follow you into hell, Ben, because we know you’ll always keep the flames off our backs.” 

A pause, and then: “To Ben.” 

The table repeats the sentiment as they raise their glasses and drink. Rey leans over and kisses Ben on the cheek, and her lips taste the wet saltiness of his tears. He nods, squeezing her hand once more and then he’s up, walking over to Poe and pulling him into a tight hug. Ben’s shoulders start to shake and Poe just holds him. 

**2/10/2016**

“I can’t steal my vows from the internet! They’re my _vows_!” Rey shouts to Luke from across the kitchen. 

Luke rolls his eyes. “If you’re not gonna steal ‘em, you’re gonna have to actually _write_ them at some point. Aren’t you getting married in like a month?”

The thought of it sends a wave that is equal parts happiness and nervousness through her and she nods, absently circling the rim of her coffee cup with her index finger. They’re in the kitchen at Skywalker House on a weeknight because Ben’s out of town for work and Rey has a tendency to hang around the twins like a lost puppy when he’s gone. 

“Better get to work, Rey-Rey.” Luke says, and she glares at him with a _thank you captain obvious_ look in her eyes that has him throwing up his hands in surrender. 

“I'm trying, obviously. But it’s like every time I sit down and try to condense everything I feel into a few measly sentences, nothing comes out. I draw blanks. I’m a shit writer, always have been.”

“It’s not about being a good writer. It’s about speaking from the heart, which I know you can do. Start with something easy that you know really well, like, what are some of the things you love about Ben?”

Rey tilts her head, considering him. “That’s definitely gonna take more than a few sentences.” 

Luke huffs. “Humor me.” 

It’s not like she can’t think of anything. Once she gets started, she’s unsure if she’ll ever be able to _stop_ talking about all the things she loves about Ben. 

“Ben is...kind. He’s intelligent, resourceful and he never does anything half-assed. He’s fiercely loyal. To me, his family, the squadron. He’s extremely protective of all of us, too. I love that he’s a good friend. I love that he’s the guy people call when they need help. I love that he’s a guy that holds doors for people and puts away stray shopping carts. I love that he takes care of me—that we take care of each other. Always have. I love his heart and how he listens to it in every decision he makes.”

By the end of it, she’s not even sure what the point of the conversation was, but her heart feels lighter regardless. Talking about Ben, _gushing_ about him, has always been easy for her. 

When she looks back to Luke, he’s got an eyebrow quirked up and a smirk on his lips.

“What?” Rey asks.

“What do you mean _‘what?’,_ you dingus?" he laughs. "You just _wrote_ your damn vows!”

**10/13/2018**

After dinner, they lay in bed side-by-side, holding hands in the darkness. The moon is bright enough that Rey can see the way Ben’s chest rises and falls as he stares up to the ceiling. 

“Poe was wrong, you know.” 

She looks at him curiously before turning onto her side and propping up her elbow. It’s the first time since his first day back that he’s talked to her about Jakku. She hasn’t prodded or pushed him, and much like with the sex thing, she’s been fully content to let him take things as slowly as he needs to. Ben looks at her for a moment and then turns back to the ceiling. 

“I _was_ scared. When I went back in, for Snap, Snoke told me over the radio that I was as good as dead because they weren’t going to come back for me. My X-Wing was shot to shit but I could still hear the comms from him as I tried to land it. He was just... _screaming_ at me as I went down. I figured I was either going to die once I hit the ground, or get captured and killed with minutes. I was fucking terrified.”

Rey’s stomach turns. The thought of Ben’s plane going down and the sound of Snoke’s snarling, pathetic jabs flooding into his ears as he fell from the sky makes her feel sick. 

Ben clears his throat before continuing. “They have uh, they have holes for their POWs in that village. We raided a few in the surrounding areas and the cells were always shoddy and full of piss and shit, but I’d never seen actual _holes_.” Ben breathes deeply, moving his arm to rest over his forehead. 

“Snap was in one of them. They put me in one a few yards away. After the first full day, I had a half-baked plan to get us out of there. Snap was in bad shape and wouldn’t last another two rounds of interrogation, so the next time they pulled us out, we’d break free and make a run for it. I saw a potential route after my first round and was sure that if we could just get out of that fucking _room_ , we could do it. But we didn’t get very far.

“They almost killed Snap right in front of me when they caught us. I got lucky—I got so fucking lucky that the squadron showed up when they did because they were going to kill me, right then and there. I have no doubt in my mind that if Poe had landed two minutes later, they would’ve blown my brains out and then posted a video of it on the internet.” 

He’s breathing harder now. Rey scoots closer to him and wraps her arm over his middle. Ben turns to look at her and his features soften, the wrinkles between his eyebrows smoothing as he takes her in. 

“I don’t know if you wanted to know all of that, but I wanted to tell you. I’m sorry it took me this long.” His voice is quieter now. He reaches his arm out so she can move into him, resting her head on his chest as he wraps it around her, his big hand splaying out gently on her belly. 

“I want to know everything that you want to tell me, Ben,” she says into his chest as she covers his hand with her own. “Whenever you’re ready to tell me it. There’s no rush.” 

When she feels Ben’s lips at her forehead, her eyes slide closed. He breathes against her skin. 

“Thank you.”

Rey lifts her head so she can look at him—really look at him. She reaches up to place her hand softly against his cheek so she can caress his face with the pad of her thumb and Ben’s eyes flutter closed.

“Don’t thank me. You’re my best friend. I’ll never stop being there for you. Any way you need me.” Rey tells him wholeheartedly, her lips curling into a smile as his eyes open slowly. They hold each other’s gaze for a few long moments.

And then Ben kisses her.

It sends a shock through her, this kiss. It’s warm and slow but insistent in a way that she hasn’t felt since he’s been home, and she knows as soon as he licks the seam of her mouth to gain access to her tongue that this kiss is different. It’s full of promise and trust, and Rey breathes deeply into it, chasing that feeling and wanting to swallow it whole.

Ben’s hand finds her cheek as he deepens the kiss even further, rolling her over so she’s straddling him. He’s hard already and when his hips shift slightly, his cock rubs just right against her center and Rey has to break the kiss to let out a gasp. It’s a feeling she’s missed so much, electric and staggering and literally breathtaking, and when she opens her eyes to look into his, she knows it’s the same for him. 

Rey pushes her hips lightly into his, testing, searching for more friction but not wanting to rush him or push him to do something he’s not ready for.

But then he’s pushing up on his elbows and his lips are on hers again, devouring her this time, the little sounds of pleasure that escape his throat sending jolts of arousal into her belly and soaking her cunt. He damn near growls when she licks his bottom lip and sucks it into her mouth, and Rey feels his cock twitch against her clit. A loud, filthy moan falls from her lips and into Ben’s mouth. 

He breaks away from her to press his forehead to hers and they’re panting hard, both completely overwhelmed with the current that’s flowing between them. The hand on Rey’s face smooths some of her hair back and she shuts her eyes, relishing in all of her senses being taken over by him. 

Ben leans forward and starts to press hot, open-mouthed kisses into her neck as she settles further into his lap. He lifts her t-shirt over her head and then his hands immediately move to her belly, rubbing gentle patterns over her skin like he likes to, but with more purpose this time. He leans her back carefully so his lips can reach the stretched skin there; Rey’s lean frame has had no bearings on the size of her pregnant belly, which Dr. Moretti says is “quite sizable” for five months in. 

Stretch marks are already visible across her freckled skin and she’s been somewhat insecure lately about how they look, all weird and pink and streaky, but Ben couldn’t care less. He’s always touching her there, protectively and reverently. He talks to their daughter, too, whispering to her and telling her how much he loves her with his cheek against Rey’s belly.

This time, there’s something else underlying in his movements, and the sensitive flesh of her stomach seems to sing as he mouths at her, his tongue and lips following the trail of his fingers.

“I love you like this,” he says softly. He moves back up her body slowly, taking his time with her belly before turning his attention to her oversensitive breasts, which have also gotten considerably bigger. Ben loves them, too, and he shows Rey just how much as he gives each one its due, sucking on her nipples with the perfect amount of roughness. When he takes control of her hips and grinds her center roughly and purposefully down against his cock as he works, she can’t possibly be held responsible for the sounds she makes. It’s been so long. 

“I want you,” Ben says into her neck, followed by more bites and sucks and kisses to her skin. 

Rey picks her head up and her hands move to hold each side of his face. They’re looking at each other again when she says, “You _have_ me. All I am, all I’ll ever be. I’m yours, Ben. Forever.”

She watches tears well up in his eyes as he nods, leaning forward to slot his lips over hers again. It takes only seconds before he’s got her seeing stars, and the hand on her face leaves to reach down to pull her underwear down. Rey swings her legs over his so he can dispose of them completely.

His white t-shirt and boxers are still present but it doesn’t seem to phase him as he reaches his hand back down and runs his thumb over her slit. A grunt falls from his lips when he feels how wet she is for him. 

Then he pulls his cock out of his boxers and rubs it against her dripping folds. Rey’s head falls back and her back bows, pushing her breasts and belly further into his broad chest. She’s missed him inside of her so much she can barely see straight. 

“I missed this,” Ben says roughly as he backs them up so he can settle against their headboard. Rey nods frantically, wanting to agree but having considerable trouble with saying actual words. She tilts her hips up to feel him against her again and Ben groans before lifting her up and positioning himself. Slowly, he lowers her back down, watching with rapturous eyes as his cock disappears into her hot cunt.

The feel of him stretching her, opening her up and filling her completely, has Rey’s eyes rolling back in her head. Finally, she finds her voice, but it’s rough, _ruined_ even when she lets it out.

“ _Ben_ ,” is really all she can manage. 

When she’s fully seated on him, they’re both breathing hard, and she can see how tense he is, how his shoulders are starting to shake as the sensation washes over him. Slowly, he starts to lift her up, pulling slightly out of her before pulling her back down all the way to the hilt, the wetness of her cunt allowing him to slide in and out with zero resistance. 

“ _Fuck_ , baby, I missed you so much,” he utters as his head falls back against the headboard. His jaw is slack and his eyes are screwed shut as she rides him, sheathed so deep inside of her that it’s hard to know where he stops and she starts. 

Rey is mesmerized by the sight of him. He looks fucking _wrecked_ as he thrusts into her. His big hands splay out possessively on her belly as she slides up and down, fucking herself with his cock. She swears her vision whites out at one point.

The longest they’ve ever gone without sex before Ben’s deployment was somewhere in the vicinity of fourish days when Rey had to go out of town on a case with Luke. Now, it’s been almost two _months_ since they last made love, and they’re both already dangerously close. 

Rey can feel Ben’s approaching orgasm in the way his hips start to stutter, and her own is evident at the base of her spine, gearing up to be something, unlike anything she’s ever felt before. It feels like a tidal wave churning under her skin, each bump of his thick cock against her cervix sending her closer and closer to the awaiting oblivion.

Ben leans forward and wraps his arms around her to hold her in place so can he slam into her cunt with everything he’s got. 

“I love you so much, Rey. I love you more than anything in the entire fucking world,” he wheezes, moving relentlessly as Rey wraps her arms tightly around his neck, holding him close. Her moans cross into something like sobs and all of a sudden she’s crying; tears are falling onto her cheeks and Ben’s kissing them, his own eyes shining as they look at each other.

Ben's eyes burn into hers as she comes, her back arching and her mouth falling open in a silent scream as her legs start to shake violently. Her vision is dotted and blurry as pleasure overwhelms her entire body and once she can finally catch her breath, she’s screaming. Her cunt tightens around him, possibly harder than it ever has, and she relishes in the feeling of coming apart all over his hard cock. 

The impossibly tight grip sends Ben over the edge quickly, and he buries his face in her neck and lets out a long, broken moan against her skin as he pulses inside of her. The heat of his come filling her up sends her catapulting quickly into a second orgasm, not as earth-shattering as the first but powerful beyond measure in its own right, and they’re sobbing as she clenches around him again, milking him relentlessly for every last drop. 

“Oh my god,” she gasps, her pussy still throbbing as she holds him, her fingers finding their way into his hair as he comes down, breathing hard against her neck. 

Once they’ve both landed back on earth, Ben picks his head up to look at her and he looks more relaxed than she’s seen him in months. Rey can’t help the smile that spreads on her face, all blissed out and weak-limbed in his arms. He smiles back. 

They’ve made intense and passionate love before, full of pleasure so great that it echoes in them both for hours after, but it’s never been quite like _this_. The afterglow of this feels different, because they’re both home, _truly_ home, for the first time in a long time. 

In this moment, secured safely in his arms and his heart, Rey knows that as long as they have each other, everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Rey's wedding dress](https://66.media.tumblr.com/82a401d5fae000b896fb61b6b34c7590/a21cac7cd7b27d6c-bd/s540x810/12e6a17172ed9cc777f49433eebb5da03689ffb4.jpg)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, y'all. It's the last chapter! 
> 
> This story has been such a joy to write and share with all of you. I can't tell you enough how much I've loved getting your messages and kind words throughout this journey. 
> 
> This is the first multi-chapter fic I've finished since 2006, so I'm extremely excited that we made it!
> 
>  **MASSIVE SHOUT TO SAM AND FELICIA** for sticking with me throughout this process. You guys are so sweet and I love having you to talk to and work things through with. 
> 
> And to all the sweet people that have been reaching out and expressing how much this story has helped them during these wild times, or how it's something they can relate to because they have loved ones in the military or have been through something similar: I see you and I appreciate you sharing your stories with me. To think that I have created something that you not only enjoy, but also can use as an outlet during this impossible time brings me an unparalleled sense of joy and pride. 
> 
> I'm honestly going to miss the Ben and Rey of this story so much. They are so warm and safe and care so much for each other that it felt so nice to jump into their world every week. I hope that we all get (or already have) a love like theirs someday. :')
> 
> I do plan to write an epilogue for this story soon, but this is the actual end. I truly hope you all like it. <3 
> 
> Come hang out with me on [tumblr](http://solosheart.tumblr.com) and/or [twitter](http://twitter.com/taylormaybe), and if you'd like to read more of my writing, [check out my second multi-chapter fic!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23626507/chapters/56701978)

**03/04/2016**

“These two have been inseparable since the day they met—what was it, fourteen years ago?—and let me be clear, by _inseparable_ , I mean Rey basically refused to let Ben out of her sight. Ever. She used to follow him around like a lost puppy. Oh, and the _angst_ they went through when they were teenagers. Absolutely exhausting. We wanted to stick them in a room together and force them to deal with all of their _feelings_ so we wouldn’t have to see all the damn sulking.”

Luke is about four glasses of Prosecco deep as he stands at the front of the private dining room they’ve rented out for the rehearsal dinner. Much to Rey’s chagrin, his speech is a hit with the table, and they’re all practically doubled over with laughter. 

He’s got a cheeky as hell grin on his face, but when his gaze finally lands on Ben and Rey after the chuckles die down, it slowly fades into something uncharacteristically tender. 

“Look, all jokes aside, I can say with full confidence that I’ve never seen two people as in love as you guys are. You’re soulmates, if I’ve ever seen ‘em.” 

Under the table, Ben tightens his grip on Rey’s hand. 

“To my nephew, and to the stubborn-as-a-mule girl that’s never left his side,” Luke raises his glass, and everyone else follows suit. “To never giving up on each other. To showing everyone at this table what it means to love someone fiercely, wholly, and unconditionally.” 

There’s a lump forming in Rey’s throat as he speaks and as soon as she sees his eyes go shiny, she’s an absolute goner. The tears fall of their own accord and all she can do is be thankful she had the foresight to put on waterproof mascara. 

Luke sighs happily, and then: “To Ben and Rey.” 

“To Ben and Rey!” the table repeats. 

Everyone sips their champagne as Ben leans forward to kiss her, chuckling lowly when he sees the wetness on her cheeks. 

“Don’t worry. He got me, too.” Ben tells her with a wink, and then walks over to his uncle and embraces him for a long moment.

“I love you, kid,” Rey hears Luke tell Ben. “Always knew you two would end up here one day.” 

The dinner winds down after everyone is stuffed full of lemon cheesecake and a couple more drunken speeches are made. Truthfully, Rey’s absolutely dreading getting up and leaving the restaurant. She doesn’t want the night to be over because she doesn’t want to go home without Ben, which she’s somehow been convinced to do by her co-Maids of Honor. 

  
_It’s tradition_ , blah blah. _Absence makes the heart grow fonder,_ yadayada.

All of that aside, she hates sleeping without Ben if she doesn’t absolutely, positively _have_ to, so she’s going to pout about it. 

And pout she _does_ as they stand in the parking lot giving everyone goodbye hugs. Poe pats Ben on the shoulder and tells him he’ll wait for him in the car, and Rose and Finn take the keys to the Chevy to wait for Rey.

Then it’s just the two of them standing in the bluish glow of the restaurant’s neon sign. Ben looks at the downturn curve of her lips and smirks, moving closer until she’s within arm’s reach. Her face softens when he pulls her into him and she’s enveloped by his warmth and delicious smell. Rey tilts her chin up to look at him as she rests her hands on his chest, all taut and perfect under his white dress shirt and black sport jacket. 

She stares unabashedly into his honey-brown eyes, admiring—not for the first time that evening—how handsome her fiancé is. He looks _damn_ good. It’s really making this whole not-seeing-each-other-until-the-wedding nonsense even more annoying. 

“I don’t want to go home without you,” Rey whines, and it is truly a _whine_ if she’s ever heard one, so she can’t fault Ben for the little laugh he gives her after. 

“Less than twenty-four hours, baby.” He pulls her in tighter, leaning down to press a soft kiss to her lips. It lingers for just long enough to make Rey whimper when he pulls away to press his forehead into hers. They breathe together for a minute. 

Ben beams at her. “Less than twenty-four hours until you’re my wife.”

\---------------------------------------------------

They only invite fifty or so close friends and family, wanting to keep the event as intimate as possible, so the backyard of Skywalker House is just big enough for the wedding.

If Rey could have had it her way, they would’ve been married at the courthouse months ago, but Leia wouldn’t hear it—and because she’s Leia Organa-Solo and Leia Organa-Solo _always_ gets what she wants, when she offered to pay for and host the small, quiet affair, Rey relented without much of a fight. 

They’ve decked it out beautifully. There are beige, chic-looking chairs that line each side of the aisle, which is covered by a beautiful white runner that stretches all the way to the door they’ll use to exit the kitchen. Honeysuckle borders the runner and stretches out beyond the chairs and into the archway that Ben and Rey will stand under, and there are string lights sparkling between the trees. There’s a pianist and a violinist playing soft, peaceful melodies as guests start to take their seats. 

It’s absolutely magical. 

The makeup and hair folks help Rey get the dress and shoes on, and when she finally turns to look at herself in the mirror, her breath hitches in her throat. Slowly, she takes in the simple but elegant makeup that brings out her cheekbones and makes her eyes pop, and the beachy waves in her hair that are partially pinned back by a delicate French braid with dainty-looking pearls and jewels scattered throughout to give her just a touch of sparkle.

Tears well quickly in her eyes. The makeup artist, Renee, is kneeling down by her train to smooth out any wrinkles when she notices Rey’s expression.

With a reassuring smile, she says, “Don’t worry about crying, honey. I waterproofed those eyes so well, you could be getting married at Niagara Falls and you’d still look flawless.”

At that, Rey laughs and blinks out a few fat tears. When she walks out of the bathroom and everyone in the dining room sees her for the first time, there is a collective gasp. Rose and Finn’s faces both crumple. Maz and Ami are slack-jawed. Leia stands near the backdoor next to Han, both of them smiling proudly. 

“You look absolutely radiant, Rey,” her future mother-in-law says. 

Rey beams.

It’s almost time. Only minutes to go now.

The pianist and violinist start the song that will accompany everyone down the aisle, and Rey’s heart starts to race. Leia sends a couple of the youngest Skywalker kids out the door first to toss flower petals, with Maz and Ami following them on the short walk to the front of the aisle. Then it’s Leia and Han’s turn, and they both kiss Rey on the cheek before leaving. 

Then it’s just Rose, Finn, and Rey. The trio. The three idiot musketeers. Her ride-or-dies for life. They wrap her up into a group hug and Rey sighs happily. 

“I love you guys,” she says into Finn’s shoulder. They both rub her back and she can hear them sniffling. 

“We love you, Rey-Rey,” Rose says, voice already wrecked from crying.

They leave her then, and she watches as Luke approaches the door, all dapper in his suit and tie and that ever-present Skywalker smirk. 

“Glad to see you showered for this,” Rey jabs.

Luke huffs out a laugh. “Ditto.” 

He holds out his arm and Rey walks toward him. The honeysuckle fills her nostrils as she steps outside, heels dipping slightly into the dirt as she grasps Luke’s arm to steady herself. After a deep breath, she looks at him and nods. 

She’s ready. 

Together, they slowly approach the top of the aisle as the music begins to crescendo. Rey’s heart is in her throat, and her arm tightens around Luke’s. When everyone stands, he leans over to her. 

“Don’t look at them,” he whispers. “Look at Ben.” 

And when he’s finally within eyeshot, she does. 

_Oh,_ she does.

There aren’t words beautiful enough to describe the look on Ben’s face when he sees her. His hand covers his mouth immediately, and his eyebrows knit together as he stifles a sob. 

She wants nothing more than to run to him. 

Rey drags Luke along a little quicker and ignores his chuckle when he feels her tugging at his jacket. People surround them on either side and there are tears and sniffles and smiles, but a freight train could pass by right then and Rey wouldn’t notice. 

She only sees Ben. 

He looks breathtakingly handsome in his dress blues. The tears streaming down his cheeks are visible as they close in on him, and when they finally are within arms length, Luke lets go of Rey so he can reach for Ben. They hug for a moment, and then Luke kisses Rey on the cheek before leaving to take his seat next to Han and Leia. 

It’s just the two of them and Poe now, who was only ordained online last week but looks like he’s had an illustrious career of officiating weddings. 

Ben leans forward to kiss Rey on the forehead and she almost loses it, but by some miracle keeps it together as they turn to face their friend who is grinning widely at them with shiny eyes. 

Poe claps his hands together. “Hi, guys.” 

The next twenty minutes are a blur of so much love and beauty that Rey can hardly think straight. Poe reads _Sonnet XVII_ by Pablo Neruda, and Leia reads E.E. Cummings’ _I Carry Your Heart with Me_ , and before she knows it, it’s time for the vows. 

Rey reaches behind her to Rose, who hands her the folded up sheet of notebook paper she used to jot down her final draft. When she looks up, she sees Ben doing the same with Snap. 

She goes first. It’s not a good speech by any means, but that doesn’t matter in the slightest. Every time she looks up from the paper to Ben, the look on his face tells her that it’s everything he needs to hear and more. She tells him all the things she loves about him—all the ways he makes her weak in the knees. She tells him that she’s never felt safer than when she’s in his arms. 

“I’ve known I was going to marry you since I was twelve-years-old,” she says toward the end. “You’re the love of my life, Ben. The man of my dreams.”

Ben ducks his head to hide his crumpling face.

When it’s his turn, Rey makes a small mental note to tip Renee at least 30% because she is fully sobbing after the first sentence. 

Ben tells her that she’s the center of his universe. He tells her that she’s the strongest person he knows, and that he never thought it would be possible to love someone as immensely as he loves her.

“It’s abundant. Endless. It will follow me from this life into the next, and I know it’ll guide me to you, wherever you are. You’re my home, Rey. My light in the darkness.”

They’re both crying as they move on to the rings, and Ben’s breath shudders when Rey leans down to kiss his wedding band after she slips it on.

They stare into each other’s eyes for a long moment and then Poe clears his throat before turning to look at Rey, and there’s an unmistakable shakiness to his voice when he speaks again.

With a smile, he begins. 

“Rey, do you take Benjamin Organa Solo to be your husband, and promise to be true to him in good times and bad, in sickness and health, to love and honor him, all the days of your life?” 

Rey’s never known an easier answer.

“I do.” 

Poe beams and turns to Ben.

“Ben, do you take Rey Johnson to be your wife, and promise to be true to her in good times and bad, in sickness and health, to love and honor her, all the days of you—”

“Absolutely, I do.” Ben cuts him off, earning watery laughs from Poe and Rey and the guests.

“Then, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Solo, you may now kiss your bride.” 

Ben’s hands move to cradle Rey’s face as he leans in. Rey can see tears drying on his cheeks and his eyes are full of beautiful, endless emotion. He presses a soft kiss to her lips and they linger like that for a moment before Rey pulls on his tie to bring him closer. The world goes quiet around them as warmth blooms between his lips and hers, sparking a quickly unfurling desire in her belly as he darts his tongue out to lick the seam of her mouth. 

Poe’s voice cuts through the haze.

“Alright, alright, you two. Save some of it for the honeymoon.” 

They break apart but keep their foreheads pressed together, both a little breathless. When they turn to face the crowd, everyone is clapping and smiling and crying and Rey thinks that she’s never been so happy. Ben interlocks their fingers and guides her down the aisle. They stop and kiss a few cheeks on their way back inside as Poe directs everyone to the makeshift dance floor and tables located at the other end of the yard.

When they finally make it into the kitchen, Ben is on her before the door is even fully shut. He crowds her against it, his hands back on her face as he leans down to slot his mouth over hers.

It’s a dizzying kiss, the dangerous kind that leads to something, and Rey can feel the anticipation bubbling up under her skin. Ben licks into her mouth and Rey moans; the feeling of his tongue finally freely caressing hers is pure bliss. She winds her arms around his neck and he lifts her up, taking care to hold her at the small of her back so her dress doesn’t wrinkle.

They finally break for air after at least two minutes of devouring each other, and Ben’s eyes are closed, but he’s smiling.

“Did we just get married?” he asks softly as he nuzzles her cheek. 

Rey smiles. “We did. You’re officially my husband.” 

The words are strange but welcome as they tumble out of Rey’s mouth and the grin that follows splits her face in half. _Ben is her husband_.

Ben nods, slowly opening his eyes. When they land on hers, they’re bright—blinding, really—full to the brim with adoration. He sighs happily. 

“And you’re my beautiful wife.” 

**FEBRUARY 2019**

Rey is very, very pregnant. It’s past the point of being cute or fun or any of the other nice things associated with pregnancy and it’s reached the stage where she’s just constantly uncomfortable. She tosses and turns at night trying to find a position that doesn’t push on her bladder or make her back hurt. She waddles around the house instead of walking like a normal person, and she struggles with getting up from any place she decides to plop down. 

For a girl that has always been lean and quick on her feet, it’s a nightmare. 

For Ben, it’s been the perfect opportunity for him to flip on his helicopter mom switch and hover around her constantly, waiting to pounce at any sign of discomfort with ice, or pickle juice, or a warm washcloth. 

It’s sweet, truly. It’s so _classic_ Ben.

It’s also driving her absolutely bonkers.

Thankfully, it’s Sunday, which means it’s family dinner night with the Squadron. The tradition became a tradition not long after they returned from Jakku; a rotating dinner every Sunday, and everyone can either Venmo the host to chip in for groceries or bring wine. It’s become one of their favorite parts of the week, and even in her balloon-like state, Rey is excited to go.

Ben’s waiting for her on the couch when she waddles out to the living room. He smiles at her as he stands, walking over and meeting her in the kitchen. His big hands palm her enlarged belly, holding it gently and caressing it with his thumbs.

“You look beautiful, baby.”

“I’m _so_ sure.” Rey snorts as she presses a kiss to his cheek. “Let’s go, loverboy. Poe’s making enchiladas.” 

\---------------------------------------------------

“Sydney?” Finn asks as he dips a tortilla chip into the vat of queso at the center of the table. Everyone is looking at them with expectant, excited eyes. 

In the nine months that Rey’s been pregnant, they’ve managed to keep their daughter’s name under wraps from their friends. It has not been their most popular decision to date, but what their friends _don’t_ know is that they didn’t tell them the name because up until a couple of days ago, they didn’t have one. 

Truthfully, they did find Sydney a bit early on in their search and loved it immediately. It felt almost too good to be true, how perfect it felt, so they tucked it away for safekeeping and kept tossing around other options to see if anything would stick.

When nothing did, they realized quickly that it was because Sydney was just...the _one_. Always had been. It was almost like she picked it herself.

She’s not even out of Rey’s tummy yet, but Sydney Hope Solo is who she _is_ , through and through.

Their daughter. Their baby girl. 

“Sydney it is.” Ben confirms, squeezing Rey’s knee under the table. She just nods, happy to keep focusing on her second helping of enchiladas as he handles the questions.

“Sydney Solo.” Finn tries it out, a smile following as he repeats it again. “Sydney.”

Everyone at the table is beaming. Rey manages to smile back at them all despite her mouth being full of cheese and tortilla. 

Next to Finn, Poe sighs contentedly. “It’s perfect.”

\---------------------------------------------------

Rey dozes on the way home and Ben wakes her by gently rubbing her shoulder, and then offers to carry her into the house but she refuses, citing that she did not want him to crumble under the metric ton of weight she’s gained over the past nine months.

“I’m basically a beluga whale,” she remarks as she trods toward the house. 

Ben follows closely behind and laughs. He’s inserting the house key into the deadbolt as he says, “Go lay down, okay? I’ll bring you your tea in bed.”

Rey nods as she walks inside. She turns back quickly to push onto her tippy toes so she can reach Ben’s mouth, and he leans forward eagerly to press a soft kiss to her lips. His lips are warm and full and his mouth always tastes so damn good, and as much as Rey would like to continue down this path, she has to pee. 

Again.

Ben’s in the kitchen putting water in the kettle as Rey changes into a big t-shirt and heads into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She’s just squirted a dollop of toothpaste onto the brush when she feels and hears the rush of water against the tile floor. 

At first, she thinks she’s peeing herself, which would be gross, but not altogether surprising considering how often she almost _does_ pee herself.

But when she looks down, she realizes very quickly that the clear liquid at her feet is definitely _not_ pee. Rey’s heart starts to thud in her chest.

“Ben!”

“Yeah?”

“Ben, come here. Hurry.”

She hears him flick the burner off and within seconds, he’s there. Rey looks at him and then back down to the puddle, which has drenched the floor and part of the bath mat. Ben’s eyes follow hers and then go wide with panic.

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah.”

“We gotta go.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” 

Ben flips the helicopter-mom switch off and flips the Combat Flight Lead switch _way_ on and immediately marches over to Rey and holds her face in his hands. 

“We got this. The bag’s already in the truck with the pillows and blankets. Let’s get you dressed and we’ll get out of here, okay?”

Rey nods and follows him out of the bathroom. She changes into sweatpants and a less enormous t-shirt and slips on her flip flops, and then Ben’s back, jacket on and truck keys in hand. He guides her out of the house and presses a kiss to her forehead once he’s got her buckled into the passenger seat. 

“We’re gonna have a baby,” he says against her skin. 

Rey nods, choking out a little sob, and she’s suddenly terrified down to her bones of what’s about to happen. There are endless worst-case-scenario thoughts racing through her head, and she’s trying her hardest to maintain her breathing despite the sharp, heavy pressure settling in her abdomen. There’s a full-on panic attack brewing right under the surface of her skin, and despite her best efforts to ward the bad feelings off, she’s a sobbing, nervous wreck. 

But then Ben’s opening the driver’s side door, and he reaches for her hand as soon as he’s settled in, and his skin on hers brings the world back into focus. It grounds her, as it always has. She opens her eyes to see him looking at her, his own worry and fear written all over his face. Rey bites her lip when Ben manages a brave smile.

“You can do this, baby,” he tells her with conviction, and Rey knows right then that as long as she’s got Ben holding her hand, never leaving her side, she definitely _can_.

She can do anything.

\---------------------------------------------------

Sydney Hope Solo is born on Monday, February 25, 2019 at 1:52 p.m. in the pediatric ward of Hanna City Memorial Hospital. She weighs six pounds, eleven ounces, and has ten fingers and ten toes.

Once things actually start happening and they’re no longer sitting around in the hospital room waiting for Rey to be fully dilated, everything goes _very_ quickly. Rey’s pushes with Ben at her side, holding her hand and dutifully letting her squeeze as hard as she wants. 

Through gritted teeth and labored breathing and a hell of a lot of encouragement from the medical staff, Sydney emerges without any complications. 

As soon as she’s far enough out to open her mouth and take her first breath, she’s screaming bloody murder. They place her on Rey’s chest immediately, and the feeling of holding her child for the first time is unlike anything she’s ever felt. It’s like everything bad or cruel or hopeless in the world is better somehow, more soft, because nothing so bad could exist at the same time as this beautiful thing. This beautiful, magical thing.

Tears flow freely down her face, and despite the blood and sweat and the desperate exhaustion that courses through her system, everything feels completely perfect.

Ben stands over them completely awestruck, and when he leans down, Rey can hear him choking out soft, quiet sobs. They lock eyes over Sydney’s head and share a moment for just the two of them, staring at each other in wonder as their child cries between them. 

She looks like her daddy, with fair skin and a full head of dark, wavy hair. She’s also got his long legs and fingers, but her eyes, bright and golden-hazel, are all Rey.

Rey presses her lips to Sydney’s forehead and laughs as her cries start to wane. Ben leans forward to press a hand into Rey’s sweaty hair and she leans into his touch.

“This is your daddy,” Rey breathes into Sydney’s skin. Ben brings his other hand to gently cradle her tiny head and smiles brilliantly as he holds them both.

His wife and daughter.

His _family_. 

**03/05/2016** ****

Because they both grew up at Skywalker House, Ben and Rey both know exactly where the best places are to get busy without anyone ever knowing about it. There’s a medium-sized supply closet right by Maz’s room on the second floor that hardly ever gets any attention, except on Sundays when the cleaning crew comes.

It is in this very closet where Ben is balls deep inside of Rey, who is hoisted up against the door with her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. 

Her wedding dress has been secured and hung up and she’s changed into the white two-piece set that she chose for the reception, the bottom half of which is a skirt, the very same skirt that’s been lifted up over her hips and now sits ballooned around her waist as Ben fucks her.

It’s not graceful or gentle. It’s hard and sweaty and loud and Rey is so fucking blissed out of her skull that she’s starting to see double. They are both close after a frighteningly short time, but it doesn’t matter, because they’re _married_. Husband and wife. 

It’s one hell of an aphrodisiac for both of them.

“My _wife_ ,” Ben breathes against her neck as he slams up into her. “My hot, sexy, beautiful wife.”

The sound of his ragged voice saying those particular words makes Rey come on the spot. Hard. 

She grips Ben so hard with her cunt that he has trouble pulling out, which causes him to tumble over the edge with her. “Oh, fuck, baby. _Fuck_. I can’t even move, you're so tight.”

Rey nods desperately as she groans, the orgasm surging through her with an unparalleled force that causes her back to arch and her mouth to hang wide open for a long, long moment.

After, when they’ve come down and their breathing has returned to normal, Ben chuckles against Rey’s shoulder. 

“We’re gonna be late to our own reception.”

Rey laughs as she gently cards her fingers through Ben’s sweaty locks. She sighs, leaning her head back against the door with a euphoric smile on her face.

“ _So_ worth it.”

\---------------------------------------------------

Before they walk back out into the backyard, their clothes and hair are thoroughly checked for any telltale signs of canoodling. They hold each other’s hands tightly and Ben kisses Rey on the forehead before he leads her outside.

The evening air is crisp and coated still with all the honeysuckle and the scene before them is beautiful. More string lights than she can count illuminate all of the tables and the dance floor, which sits in front of a band that is playing a loud, celebratory song as the newlyweds step into the yard.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time...” the lead singer says into the mic, and everyone is turning to look at them excitedly. “Mr. and Mrs. Solo!”

There’s whooping and applause and Rey shoots her fist up in the air in celebration with a big, cheeky grin on her face as they approach the dance floor.

Then the first notes of their chosen song sound through the yard, and that same shit-eating grin starts to melt away very quickly. Rey knows instantly that she’s not gonna make it very far through this dance without becoming a blubbering mess.

Ben wraps her in his arms and holds her as close as he possibly can. He’s bent forward enough that he can rest his cheek against her temple as they start to sway. He guides them across the dance floor and Rey feels weightless in his arms. The singer starts the first verse.

_Something in your eyes_

_Makes me want to lose myself_

_Makes me want to lose myself in your arms_

_Something in your voice_

_Makes my heart beat fast_

_I hope this feeling lasts_

_The rest of my life_

Rey chose the song for them a couple of weeks ago and knew it was _the one_ when Ben cried in the car after hearing it for the first time. Everything about it just screamed _them._

_If you knew how lonely_

_My life has been_

_And how long I’ve been so alone_

_If you knew how I wanted someone to come along_

_And change my life_

_The way you’ve done_

Suddenly, she’s twelve-years-old again, and Ben’s sixteen, all awkward limbs and hard, gangly edges and they’re right here, in the backyard, moving with each other. Not dancing, but running, or drawing, or pointing out the constellations in a summer sky.

He’s right there with her, just as he always has been. 

Next to her. Protecting her. Loving her.

_It feels like home to me_

_It feels like home to me_

_It feels like I’m all the way back where I come from_

_It feels like home to me_

_It feels like home to me_

_It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong_

To Rey, the girl who grew up alone, dressed in rags and dumpster diving for food before she knew how to ride a bike, no truer words have ever _existed_.

She belongs—always has belonged—right here.

In Ben’s arms. 

**02/29/2019**

It’s 2:31 a.m. when Rey jolts awake before the cry even leaves Sydney’s mouth. 

A few silent seconds pass and she wonders if maybe they’ve gotten lucky, but then it happens; a thunderous howl echoes throughout the house, followed quickly by an even _louder_ one. Rey’s just about to sit up to make her way to the nursery when she feels Ben squeeze her shoulder. He leans forward to press a kiss to Rey’s cheek. 

“I got her.”

He’s been so good to her since they got home from the hospital, not that it comes as much of a surprise. Ben’s been a father for four days and it’s obvious already that he was born to be one. To love and cherish and nurture. 

The cries die down soon after he leaves, and Rey can’t help but get up and tiptoe her way to Sydney’s room, where the door is cracked and she can hear a faint hum from a deep, soothing voice. Ben is facing away from the door when Rey pushes it open a bit further. He doesn’t see her, and she’s glad for that, because the feeling that’s lodged in her heart at the sight of her husband and their daughter is nothing short of incredible.

Sydney’s cradled against his chest, quiet and cooing and already so in love with him. Ben sways her gently back and forth and hums a sweet, soft melody. Her eyes are starting to droop, but Ben keeps her close, content to keep holding her even as she sleeps. 

Rey leans against the doorframe and takes them in. The two most important things in her world, warm and happy in this home they've built together.

In this moment, she’s thankful for every moment, every decision, every step she's taken that led her here. All the tears and heartbreak and loss and terror were just winding, broken roads to this destination. All that time spent alone, hungry and scared, and this was what was always waiting for her on the other side. She’d do it all over again and wouldn’t change a thing, as long it got her right back here.

With this man, _her_ man, her beautiful, complicated, magnificent man, and their little girl, safe and sleeping in his strong arms.

Rey knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that she is exactly where she’s supposed to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sonnett XVII by Pablo Neruda](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/49236/one-hundred-love-sonnets-xvii)
> 
> [I Carry Your Heart with Me (I Carry it in My Heart) by E.E. Cummings](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/49493/i-carry-your-heart-with-mei-carry-it-in)
> 
> [Rey's reception dress](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0053/2142/5007/products/Lace_Short_Reception_Wedding_Dress_Bateau_Neck_Short_Sleeves_Two_Piece_Bridal_Dresses_2_250x250@2x.jpg?v=1583119527)
> 
> [Ben and Rey's first dance song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQtrs2vhYCE)


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day, I bring you an epilogue full of fluff. 
> 
> <3
> 
> Love you all!

**SEPTEMBER 2026**

_seven years later_

“Please, please, please, _please,_ with a cherry on top and sprinkles and those little nuts you like!”

They’re sitting at the kitchen island in front of Ben’s laptop and Sydney is staring at him with the puppiest of puppy dog eyes—rivaling even the ones that stare back at them from Hanna City Animal Shelter’s website. 

“You know mom already said no. Why are we looking at this website again?”

His daughter’s hopeful face starts to transform into a pout, which pulls at his heart far more than he should allow, but he’s a weak, weak man that’s been wrapped around her finger since the day she was born, so he says: “Alright, don’t get pouty. We’ll talk to mom about it when she and your sister get back from running errands.”

“You already know what she’s gonna say, daddy,” Sydney mutters.

“I do,” he nods. “But the pros and cons list is new. Maybe she’ll appreciate your creativity and change her mind.”

Sydney sighs, sinking a little lower into her barstool.

“Doubt it. All mom wants is more babies. No puppies.”

Ben can’t help but laugh at that. It’s true, for the most part, but hearing it come out of his seven-year-old’s mouth is priceless. 

He also can’t argue with her. Rey _loves_ being a mom. 

She’s still the stubborn, feisty, funny, sexy woman that used to drink him under the table and once shotgunned a bong hit from his mouth without coughing, but she’s also now an incredible mother that’s completely devoted to her daughters. She’s playful. Kind. Patient, but firm. It amazes him every day. 

They knew from the moment they brought Sydney home from the hospital that Rey was never going to be okay with just _one_. They talked about it a lot before they started trying again, listing out a thousand possible outcomes and scenarios for how they wanted their lives to look in ten years, and no matter what, Rey always wanted more kids. 

By the time Sydney was talking, they were trying again, and not long after that, Rey was pregnant with Elliot. 

It’s not that Ben doesn’t want more; he absolutely does. But Rey—his sweet, fierce, Rey, was getting to right the wrongs of her parents every single day by being the mother she always wanted. One night, when Sydney was two or three and sleeping between them because she’d had a nightmare, Rey looked over at him over their daughter, whose tiny arms were wrapped around her pregnant belly, and smiled brilliantly, lighting up the otherwise dark room. 

“I never knew it was possible to love so much,” she’d said as she stroked Sydney’s hair, and Ben could feel his heart swell in his chest. In that moment, he knew that he would give Rey ten kids if she wanted, as long as it meant that she always felt that kind of love. 

The love she deserved. Whole, bright, safe and endless. 

“C’mon, baby. Don’t be a grouch.” Ben reaches over to Sydney and ruffles her hair. “You’re excited about having a new sister. You told me so yesterday.” 

“Yeah, but, _dad_ ,” she whines, already _far_ too good at saying the word ‘dad’ like that. “I can want a new baby sister and _also_ want a puppy. It’s not—what’s that thing you taught me the other day?” 

Ben’s eyes soften as he looks at her. “Mutually exclusive. It’s not mutually exclusive.” 

“Yeah. That. I can want both.” 

Ben chuckles. “You sure you’re only seven?” 

“Seven- _and-a-half_ , daddy.” 

“Right, right. Sorry. Seven-and-a-half.” 

It’s nearly five p.m. when Ben looks at his watch, and he stands up from the barstool and lifts Sydney off of hers before shutting the laptop.

“I bet setting the table could help your case, too.” 

Sydney considers this for a moment and then agrees with a nod. She marches determinedly into the kitchen and grabs her step stool, setting it in front of the cabinets that house all of their cups and plates. Ben helps her by putting out napkins and silverware, and by the time they’re done, Rey is pulling into the driveway. 

“Quick, go get her a sparkling water out of the fridge,” Ben tells Sydney, who runs at his command back into the kitchen. 

“Hello, hello!” Rey says in a sing-song voice as she opens the front door, their two-year-old, Elliot—El for short—propped up on her hip. 

El is quieter than Sydney ever was, and she’s been given the misfortune of inheriting Ben’s ears, but she’s a smiley, happy kid that’s _also_ got him wrapped around her finger.

He never stood a chance, really. Not with any of them. 

“Hey baby.” Ben meets Rey halfway from the door to the dining room and presses a quick kiss to her lips, and then reaches to take El from her, who giggles and squeals as he lifts her up into the air and blows raspberries on her tummy. 

“Hi _you._ I missed you,” he tells his daughter as he hugs her to his chest.

Sydney comes galloping out of the kitchen to meet them, black cherry-flavored sparkling water in tow in her tiny hand. 

“I got this for you, mommy.” She hands Rey the can, and then rocks back and forth on her heels with a proud smile plastered on her face.

“Well, thank you,” Rey says, and glances over at the dining table. “Oh, wow, _and_ the table’s already been set?” 

Sydney nods quickly, still grinning. 

Rey eyes Ben suspiciously, and he feigns ignorance as he presses soft kisses into El’s temple. “Casserole should be just about done,” he says, nodding toward the oven. 

“Uh-huh,” Rey says, narrowing her eyes at him. 

Ben goes to set El in her high chair just as the oven timer starts beeping. They sit and eat the broccoli, cauliflower and chicken casserole he’s prepared, and right around the time when he can tell by Rey’s softening features and shoulders that she’s had just enough to eat to make her slightly more agreeable, he gives Sydney a wink. 

The tiny brunette pulls a folded up sheet of notebook paper out of her back pocket and opens it, flattening it out on the table dramatically before clearing her throat. 

“Mommy.” Sydney calls her attention with her chin raised in the air and Ben has to hold back the laugh that threatens to escape his lips at the sight.

Rey glances up from a bite that’s halfway to her mouth and notices her daughter’s posture and face before seeing the paper. Her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. 

“Yes?” 

“I would like to spend the next five minutes going over the pros and cons of us getting a puppy. I want to say first that there are many, _many_ more pros than there are cons. Daddy helped me add a few before you got home.” 

Rey’s eyes cut to Ben, whose own eyes widen a bit at the admission. He grimaces a little before stuffing his mouth full of casserole to avoid having to speak. 

Rey takes a deep breath in through her nose and then lets it go. She folds her arms gently over the table and then nods. “Alright, go ahead.” 

\---------------------------

Ben reads _Ferdinand the Bull_ to El and Sydney before bed, and they’re both out like lights by the time he’s done. 

He finds Rey in bed already by the time he makes it to their bedroom, as comfortable as she can be at six months pregnant with her iPad in hand, reading glasses propped up on her nose and her ankles crossed atop a couple of their stiffer throw pillows. 

“You are such a sucker, you know that?” she says before he gets through the door. 

He just laughs, because _of course_ knows that. 

“Yeah, yeah. Look, you’ve gotta applaud the dedication. She spent a whole two hours coming up with that list.” 

Rey scoffs. “Do you remember what it’s like to have a newborn? I know it’s been a couple of years. Do you really want to have to change dirty, tiny-human diapers while also having to deal with puppy pads and chewed up shoes? What if it gets a hold of your _watch_ collection? Did you add that to your cons list?” 

Ben finds his place on his side of the bed and stretches his legs out before flipping over onto his stomach. He reaches out a hand to touch Rey’s belly, which is nearly-bare save for the lightweight silky camisole she’s got on over it. He pushes it up and rubs soft patterns over her skin, forever in awe of how beautiful she looks like this.

Three of his babies have grown this belly. He can’t help but lean in and press a kiss to it. 

“My project’s already starting to ease up a little, and you know I’m going to take that extra-long paternity leave,” he says softly into her skin. 

Despite her mild irritation, Rey’s hand has found its way into his hair, her long, manicured nails lightly scratching his scalp. Ben hums contentedly and leans his head against her stomach, happy to be close to her after a long day of being apart. 

“We don’t have to, baby. I just—” he trails off, absently tugging at a pillowcase. “I love making her happy.” 

Rey’s hand stills, and Ben looks up to find her eyes. The irritation in her face has disappeared completely, replaced with something much softer. 

“I know you do. She loves you so much, you know. We all do.” 

Ben smiles. Rey tugs then, and Ben gets the message clear as day as he leans up to press his mouth to hers. They stay like that for a moment, relishing in the feel of each other’s tongues and the quiet moans that escape Rey’s throat when Ben bites her bottom lip. 

“Three girls,” she says when they break apart, shaking her head in wonder. “Sure you can handle another one, daddy?” Rey asks as she places her hand over his large one that’s still protectively holding her belly. 

Ben huffs and then presses another kiss to the lines of stretch marks that trail over Rey’s hips. “There’s nothing in the world I want more.” 

She hums, and then looks at him expectantly when he picks up his head again. “Except _maybe_ a chocolate lab.” 

Rey snorts. “You’re terrible.” 

He laughs, and they’re centimeters away from kissing again when he hears a small, high-pitched voice coming from the doorway of the bedroom.

“Daddy?” Sydney says blearily, rubbing her eyes. 

She’s got on her favorite purple unicorn pajamas and her hair is already wild despite having only been asleep for an hour. Ben sits up and walks over to her, scooping her up into his arms. He notices when she’s at eye-level with him that there are tears running down her cheeks. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” 

Her frown deepens, and a couple more tears slip from her eyes as he holds her. Ben squeezes her tighter. 

“Bad dream.” 

“Ah,” he nods, and walks her over to their bed.

Rey’s already setting down the iPad and turning onto her side to lift up the comforter so he can slide her in between them. It’s not often that she does this, but every once and awhile, she’ll get a nightmare so bad that she wakes up in tears. It makes Ben’s heart ache, and he never thinks twice about letting her sleep in their bed afterward. The closer she is to him, the easier it is to hold her, to protect her as much as he can from the darkness that occasionally plagues her dreams. 

“I’m sorry you had a nightmare, pumpkin,” Rey says softly, running her fingers through Sydney’s hair. She already looks more relaxed, and once Ben’s settled in next to her, he reaches over to wipe away the still-wet tears that sit on her cheeks. 

“Will you tell me a story?” Sydney asks them through sniffles. 

Ben smiles. “Sure, which one do you want to hear?” 

Sydney considers it for a moment, pursing her little lips. She looks so much like Rey when she does it; it makes him warm all over. 

Suddenly resolute, she says, “The one about how you met mommy.”

Rey chuckles a little and lets her shaking head fall back. They’ve told her this story dozens of times, but it never seems to get old. 

Ben huffs through his nose with a smile and nods. “Alright, but you’re gonna help me with the first bit. I know you know it by heart by now.” 

She nods excitedly. “I will.” 

“Okay.” He sits up a little, reaching over to grab Rey’s hand, and smiling at her brightly when she squeezes back. 

In unison, he and their daughter begin. 

_“It all started with an ear of corn.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you don't think that Benjamin Organa-Solo would be the most incredible girl dad, you're lyin to yourself
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this little addition! I will miss this story so much. Please let me know what you think!
> 
> Also, check out my [Summer Camp AU](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23626507/chapters/56701978) if you haven't already!


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